Further thoughts. Notably in the Nora wandering down the hospital hallway scene and in the Lisa looking at her attic scene there are wasted Renders. The VN uses too many images. They don't convey motion or a sense of dynamic transitioning action, its like a comic. You want to use the jumping of images to convey action and character smoothly so that each new image feels fresh and an evolution of the old. Condense your image count. Use less but with more quality, more dramatic changes between images to reduce the stale feel of looking at the same picture 15 different times. In that vein, the bursts of text. There are these short injections of prose text into scenes and it shares the same problem. Your breaking up what should be combined.
There's space on the bottom of the screen, give me paragraphs. Describe carefully and fully what is happening that is interesting. Be it horror or sexual content. And use Pov's more. Focus in on character emotions and personality, give me the perspective of that bloodline. What do they feel as they are touched, what are they thinking as they fuck their daughter or are in a orgy? Describe, detail, express. Use verbs to convey a sense of physical action. Build up the described arousal from the Pov of the characters.
And be more creative with the slut stuff. Why do vampires like cum? What does it taste like for the girls, what is the texture and warmth, how does it make them feel in their minds? What use is cum to a vampire as they can't breed? How does it humiliate and dominate? I like how the Vampires are twisted parodies. They love their families still, they keep their jobs, and they show attachment to friends. Add onto this more warped power dynamics, how do they control each other sexually? Where's the domination and submission, the bossy vampire woman and the commanding vampire men breaking the minds of girl vampires?
This gets into the dirty talk. More energy to this. There is little drawn out pacing, push further into imaginative langauge for how the woman are sluts, humiliating admissions that cement this. I rather like the Ben talking to Terry scene. There's good ideas here, but they need more fleshing out. She could have posed for him, spread her legs while he complemented her cunt and degraded her in other ways. Show control, the vampire woman being enslaved to the cruel men.
And learn more varied language for your transformation scenes. These piece by piece mentions of ears and tits isn't strong writing. Use decent sized paragraphs. Describe the whole transformation process in one go and with more thought. Physical changes should be tied into mental and emotional alterations described by the POV.
I really like Nicholas running into the woods and feeling like a failure scene. More psychological character writing like this
