We'll brainstorm with the writer on this. Thank you. This is super valuable
After some thinking about it:
1: During the introduction the mc was scared to return home.
No reason given.
It make's me wonder how bad the writter's releationship is with there own family that there this scared to return home.
If i needed a to return home after my girlfriend dumped me and i coudnt get a job i would feel confident in the knowledge i could go to my mother or sisters and i would be welcomed.
I would be expected to look for my own place to live ofcourse but i woudnt feel fear of returning home.
More of a sense of relieve knowing i can always rely on my family when needed.
Just like they can rely on me.
2: Impied student that rented the mc room was kicked out and his stuff stolen overnight.
I know this wasnt the goal but that was the first thought that came too mind.
That is both illigal and immortal.
3: Too much internal dialog.
The mc is insufferable.
I shoudnt but i do.
It is perfectly normal.
Just shut up and let me the player do the thinking.
4: The lack of resistiance getting a job.
I know the proffesional standerds are a myth these days but could she atleast pretend to have them.
Accauly have an interview about his qualifiticion.
Getting preferable threatment for being the son of a friend is one thing.
Not even doing a basic interview and seeing if he accauly know's his stuff is an other.
Even just an admition that she is doing her a favor by giving him a chance would be preferable.
Personal dislike's.
This is what i personaly dislike but isnt a problem.
More of a pet peeve then an accauly issus:
1: Mother looks 60 and the daughter look late 30.
I am happy the mother accauly look old but the daughters really dont like there claimed age.
2: Mountain sized tits.
I really dont get why anyone finds this attractive.
I suppose when your old its your only redeeming(sexual) quaility but i do not see the appeal.
I dont mind big tits(i dont like them, prefer medium to small myself) but mountain size.
At least they artist did a good job by making them hang down.
Age and weight of those tits is a real issus.
3: Young shrink.
As someone who visist a lot of shrinks in his life(I got a lot of issus, Dont ask)
I have had it comfirmed more then once that learning psychology is over a decade and has a high failure ratio.
They fact the mc(Who is the only one who accauly looks young) is so young rubs me the wrong way.
Now if he was a drop out then ok he failed.
But he succeded.
He shoud be at least 30.
The not getting hired because of lack of connections is a nice touch to how fucked up reqruiting is.
Part me of wants the meme: We need you to have 30 years of experiance at the age of 18 meme used.
Because lets face it.
Its not what you know it's who you know is a real thing.
Tho why he didnt set up his own clinic or try to work at a hospital first?
He seem to give up way to fast.
I like the idea.
Of using hypnosis to improve his life when he is at his lowest.
I dislike how must of the plot seems to skip over basic human interaction just to get the pieces in place.
It is nothing unfixable.
Just more focus on being human and less on:
X must happen so it will.
Logic and reason be dammed.
Fuck reminds me of world of raidcraft writting.
Just so bad.
My advise:
Make the characters first then write the plot around how they would behave.
Instead of going: X must happend so y behave like a plot device instead of a person.
) by having Mind Control (hypnosis), we can have complete control of what happens and it is not the typical story that gives the Mc powers (or some object with which he can control others) and then when there is a good opportunity to make use of this, there is no option for it.
