- Jul 17, 2020
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- Jul 26, 2017
- 756
- 1,280
- Nov 29, 2022
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Thank you friend, hopefully updates will change that (not to tell them where the direction of their game should go, hell it's **their game**) but I would love if this site could either differentiate tags between lesbian sex scene(s) and a game for lesbians or just not tag things lesbian unless they are for lesbians cause it is fucking exhausting and makes this entire website an unwelcoming sausage-fest.
- Jan 3, 2021
- 1,110
- 3,600
This writing is so annoyingly bad. Every paragraph, if not every sentence, has major problems with it.
Unneeded and excessive verbiage (using 'world' twice in a list), starting sentences with 'and', sentences contradicting one another (Lucy has 2 different first goals), jumping from 3rd to 1st person perspective without indication or who's individual perspective we are even occupying. Plus just other really baffling word choices, like referring to Sebastian as 'our hero' from a 3rd person perspective, in a story where Lucy is expressly described as the protagonist in the into. Plus formatting issues, such as there being no tab or space to indicate breaks between paragraphs, or putting full quotation marks around the name of a restaurant (if you did use any, you'd only use one set, and they also forgot to capitalize the name of 'Luxure').
I feel like a Creative Writing teacher's red pen would run out of ink from thoroughly underlining and striking the script. This script is in dire need of an editor, because what is here is ROUGH. Which is funny, because it's pretty solid grammatically. Words are spelled correctly, punctuation is where it's needed. It's just that every sentence is awkward, suffers from bad word choices and a lack of clean flow. It needs more time in the oven, to be given a second pass, rather then just spell-checking your first draft. That's what this all reads like, a not terribly creative first draft.
Even the inciting incident is so fucked. Did they own their house? No! They had a loan from the bank. That means they'd be REQUIRED to have home owners insurance as part of the stipulation for approval of their loan, which covers stuff like your house burning down. The bank doesn't want your equity to go up in flames any more than you do! This is why you need to run this past other people, so hopefully you find someone who can correct your fundamental misunderstanding of reality before you put it to paper.
"All you had was the money in your wallets and the clothes you were wearing."
What, did the house fire burn down their bank account? You'll never reach any pathos if the audience is constantly facepalming from this level of poor writing.
"Aunt Elsa hugged me tightly. Her embrace reassured you, made you feel safe."
The change between 1st and 3rd person perspective here is so jarringly bad and unwarranted, it's causing whiplash.
Unneeded and excessive verbiage (using 'world' twice in a list), starting sentences with 'and', sentences contradicting one another (Lucy has 2 different first goals), jumping from 3rd to 1st person perspective without indication or who's individual perspective we are even occupying. Plus just other really baffling word choices, like referring to Sebastian as 'our hero' from a 3rd person perspective, in a story where Lucy is expressly described as the protagonist in the into. Plus formatting issues, such as there being no tab or space to indicate breaks between paragraphs, or putting full quotation marks around the name of a restaurant (if you did use any, you'd only use one set, and they also forgot to capitalize the name of 'Luxure').
I feel like a Creative Writing teacher's red pen would run out of ink from thoroughly underlining and striking the script. This script is in dire need of an editor, because what is here is ROUGH. Which is funny, because it's pretty solid grammatically. Words are spelled correctly, punctuation is where it's needed. It's just that every sentence is awkward, suffers from bad word choices and a lack of clean flow. It needs more time in the oven, to be given a second pass, rather then just spell-checking your first draft. That's what this all reads like, a not terribly creative first draft.
Even the inciting incident is so fucked. Did they own their house? No! They had a loan from the bank. That means they'd be REQUIRED to have home owners insurance as part of the stipulation for approval of their loan, which covers stuff like your house burning down. The bank doesn't want your equity to go up in flames any more than you do! This is why you need to run this past other people, so hopefully you find someone who can correct your fundamental misunderstanding of reality before you put it to paper.
"All you had was the money in your wallets and the clothes you were wearing."
What, did the house fire burn down their bank account? You'll never reach any pathos if the audience is constantly facepalming from this level of poor writing.
"Aunt Elsa hugged me tightly. Her embrace reassured you, made you feel safe."
The change between 1st and 3rd person perspective here is so jarringly bad and unwarranted, it's causing whiplash.
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- Sep 27, 2020
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You could use the skip to update for brave or restart like me. When you help Aunt, you need to fail the math calculation, then you will get a prompt, "shop closed" or "serve customer". When you serve customer and accept the offer, you get brave.
Does the city path end when Lucy is fucked by George and receives a new package from Marcus? Literally nothing to do from here, the Sleep option is also lost?
- Jan 18, 2020
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- Jun 27, 2022
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- Jan 18, 2020
- 66
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Update for Patreon members as far as I know forum doesn't get an update till public release.