Saraf
Active Member
- Mar 16, 2018
- 904
- 1,309
- 282
Went through the rewrite and credit where credit is due,its better.
The Twins twist is still a really questionable decision and leads to a tonal gulf(that is in fact even deeper now)but at least it reads somewhat consistent(for the most part).
I dont buy for a second that this is how it was always planned and people merely misunderstood but thats more a fuckup of their PR machine than anything.
Twins
-now a clear timeline of being pimped out by their father,against their will through contract loophole
-completely changes dialogue from empowerment to victimhood angle
-knowingly employ brainwashed girls with the excuse of telling them about the job,seemingly dont understand what brainwashing means or placate themselves with the excuse of telling them what the job entails being enough
-would give up business to save sister but not innocent brainwashed girls
-pre coitus scene rather suddenly inserts a declaration they dont actively participate anymore when prior dialogue makes it sound like they still do,assumedly supposed to indicate that only their stable does the work now but is inserted really poorly,should be placed much earlier in the discussion to not feel so forced and maintain the desired effect(as well as make the whole thing go over easier for people who are interested in the LIs but not fond of the self-prostitution angle)
-post coitus scene is unchanged,still has them saying they dont want to give up the escort service(despite now being forced into it)in a really upbeat manner,clashes with the victimhood narrative resulting in it not really lining up,needs a touch up(also kill dumbass MC´s pimping line,that joke is completely out of place considering the changed angle)
We will see how the future goes.
Overall the whole scene still could use some more polishing and Im not quite sure how one would redeem the twins from the knowing employment of brainwashed young girls.
Victimhood sympathy points only really hold till the person in question becomes a perpetrator themselves.
Sis/Vicky
Pretty decent rewrite all things considered,putting the relationship talk in the forefront was the most workable solution.
Bisexuality and attraction still rather comes out of left field,especially for Sis and should have been hinted at starting far earlier in the narrative but overall its fine,circumvented the cheating angle well enough.
The Twins twist is still a really questionable decision and leads to a tonal gulf(that is in fact even deeper now)but at least it reads somewhat consistent(for the most part).
I dont buy for a second that this is how it was always planned and people merely misunderstood but thats more a fuckup of their PR machine than anything.
Twins
-now a clear timeline of being pimped out by their father,against their will through contract loophole
-completely changes dialogue from empowerment to victimhood angle
-knowingly employ brainwashed girls with the excuse of telling them about the job,seemingly dont understand what brainwashing means or placate themselves with the excuse of telling them what the job entails being enough
-would give up business to save sister but not innocent brainwashed girls
-pre coitus scene rather suddenly inserts a declaration they dont actively participate anymore when prior dialogue makes it sound like they still do,assumedly supposed to indicate that only their stable does the work now but is inserted really poorly,should be placed much earlier in the discussion to not feel so forced and maintain the desired effect(as well as make the whole thing go over easier for people who are interested in the LIs but not fond of the self-prostitution angle)
-post coitus scene is unchanged,still has them saying they dont want to give up the escort service(despite now being forced into it)in a really upbeat manner,clashes with the victimhood narrative resulting in it not really lining up,needs a touch up(also kill dumbass MC´s pimping line,that joke is completely out of place considering the changed angle)
We will see how the future goes.
Overall the whole scene still could use some more polishing and Im not quite sure how one would redeem the twins from the knowing employment of brainwashed young girls.
Victimhood sympathy points only really hold till the person in question becomes a perpetrator themselves.
Sis/Vicky
Pretty decent rewrite all things considered,putting the relationship talk in the forefront was the most workable solution.
Bisexuality and attraction still rather comes out of left field,especially for Sis and should have been hinted at starting far earlier in the narrative but overall its fine,circumvented the cheating angle well enough.
