VN Ren'Py The Last Embrace [v0.2] [NoX Productions]

[Raul12344345]

norteo suelo escrivir mucho generalmente preo tengo una pregunta la vampira tendra poderes por que es un vampiro por regla general tiene que tener poderes ya se que hay 2 amores o como se diga no va a ver mas que esos 2 tendra un mapa con ubicaciones y un sistema para aprender avilidades y subirlas de nivel ya se que hay bueno y malo si vas por el malo podras ir y matar o vever sangre de inosentes y sos bueno vas por ladrones o algo asi y la prota puede revivir a los muertos por que estaria genial por que si vas como el malo lo matas lo torturas y lo volves a revivir yo solo pregunto

 

[NoX Productions]

yes she will have powers

norteo suelo escrivir mucho generalmente preo tengo una pregunta la vampira tendra poderes por que es un vampiro por regla general tiene que tener poderes ya se que hay 2 amores o como se diga no va a ver mas que esos 2 tendra un mapa con ubicaciones y un sistema para aprender avilidades y subirlas de nivel ya se que hay bueno y malo si vas por el malo podras ir y matar o vever sangre de inosentes y sos bueno vas por ladrones o algo asi y la prota puede revivir a los muertos por que estaria genial por que si vas como el malo lo matas lo torturas y lo volves a revivir yo solo pregunto

yes she will have powers and stats like strength, agility and such. In the upcoming update 0.1.2 that comes today in fact! Lots of updates coming in. Check the changelog on my Patreon, its free to view.

 

[Raul12344345]

ok gracias ahi sume un patreon
pasa que no soy muy bueno con la compu me cuesta un poco entender ose entiendo lo basico pero me cuesta aprender un poco ya me callo

 

[Skeltom]

Her being a prostitute depends on a path, if she's a vampire she's not going to try and do it anymore because she doesn't have to, there are story reasons behind this that will be revealed down the line. And on other paths things will happen with that that will lead to a revenge plot so she's not going to be doing it again because story reasons. It is difficult for me to explain my reasoning behind this plot device without spoiling the next two chapters so i won't say anything more about it. All of these stats will serve as triggers for certain plot points and/or scenes, let me assure you they are there for a reason. Heavy exposition is there to counter the lack of renders really. This being a story focused game, there is only so much i can do with the amount of renders i can put out so i need to exposition dumps to drive the story. This method of writing isn't for everyone, especially in a vn i know, but i have seen a number of them that do this and it works. Maybe only for patient people though, idk. If you skip everything you can literally finish the prologue in five minutes, but why would you? Then again some people just want to see lewd scenes. Imagine actually reading a novel, because that's what this is. Its a novel essentially, it might be a visual novel, but its still a novel at heart. Not for everyone i guess

Again, it wasn't about seeing lewd scenes at all. It's about the amount of stuff being said. You are making a "visual" novel, and like many others this one has a very bad habit of telling instead of showing. It's half of the medium and without it, it could be better as a written project if it relies so heavily on little minute details. There is nothing wrong with explaining what is happening but describing how the MC feels doesn't have to go on for six whole text blocks. It may set up feelings but it drags the overall plot progression down. There are more lines of descriptive text than there are actual lines of dialogue. It shouldn't be that way If you are telling a story with an actual plot.

I'm not trying to be rude or anything but it looks like you are taking writing and story development methods from other projects and trying them with yours. This VN did that, it works in others. VN development isn't a one size fits all prosses. What may have worked for some's project doesn't mean it will for yours. Everyone is on different levels in terms of coding skill and writing.

 

[Raul12344345]

eeee una pregunta en patreon yo quiero salirme aaa de una pagina o de otro no sos vos nose como me imagino que es como youtu sucrirse o algo asi que encontre suscripcion de regalo bloquear creador denunciar creador si le doy aaa bloquear creador es como que me dessuscribo de youtu pregunta osea por que no lo quiero tener ahi pero nose como salir de ese otro creador y no quiero aser macana apretando un boton que no es osea quiero eliminar al creador de mi cuenta de patreon pero nose como eliminarme de un creador de patreon de una cuenta de youtuve si se pero no sos vos es otro pero nose como sacarlo porque se puede sacar vardad o una vaz que entra no te deja y otra pregunta ahi esta en el tuyo 650 el bronce eso esta en plata arguentina aver no soy un viejo solo me cueta un poco entender

 

[damnedfrog]

Hi NoX Productions.

First thing first, thank you for sharing you work with us.

As a lover of Lesbian MC games, I'm glad that you introduce the female LI first .
I just hope that won't be upset too much the crowd of dick lovers who are whining every time a new game with a Lesbian path is release. Poor little things, it's not like if the vast majority of games here are about straight MC...

If I may allow some little criticisms (that I hope constructive).

1. The logic of the Hunger bar seems reverted.
   
   For me Hunger 10% means Kyra is just a little hungry, when in fact she's about to starve to death (as the mention "Starving" indicate).
   I think, the % should be inverted. Hunger: 100% when she is starving to death, 0% when she is completely satiated.
   
   
2. You should be consistent between writing in the second or third person:
   
   vs
   
   Hard to advise what is the best.
   Second person is better for immersion of the player.
   Third person is better if you plan to often change point of view (like other characters thoughts), or showing to the player things Kyra can't know/be aware of.
   I just think you should choose one and stick to it.
   
   
3. A typo, you often write "i" for the first-person pronoun when in English it must always be "I" in capital letter
   
   
4. Another typo, I suppose it should be "Soon" instead of "Son"
   
   
   
5. About the story, I find a bit unbelievable how easy Clara accept that Kyra kill her then turn her in the vampire path.
   I suppose it's the bound between the two created by that, but it's not clear at all. I think at least, Clara should have some thoughts about it. Wondering why she trust and even like Kyra when she should despised Kyra for having killed and changed her forever.
   I think it's even more strange on the "human" path, because as a player, I can't get why Clara trust Kyra. It could be some vampire passive power (something like vampires naturally inspiring trust to human to prey on them easily). But there is no clue for the player it is the case, and it seems odd.
   Perhaps changing how Kyra meet Clara. Something like Clara was attacked (by an angry customer, another prostitute, a pimp...) and Kyra step in and help her. So it will be easier to understand why Clara trust Kyra.

Anyway, I like the prologue and hope to see more soon.
I just wish Kyra will never cut her hair. A redhead with hair down to her knees is too sexy to let any scissor come close to it .

 

[NoX Productions]

Hi NoX Productions.

First thing first, thank you for sharing you work with us.

As a lover of Lesbian MC games, I'm glad that you introduce the female LI first .
I just hope that won't be upset too much the crowd of dick lovers who are whining every time a new game with a Lesbian path is release. Poor little things, it's not like if the vast majority of games here are about straight MC...

If I may allow some little criticisms (that I hope constructive).

1. The logic of the Hunger bar seems reverted.
   View attachment 5181927
   For me Hunger 10% means Kyra is just a little hungry, when in fact she's about to starve to death (as the mention "Starving" indicate).
   I think, the % should be inverted. Hunger: 100% when she is starving to death, 0% when she is completely satiated.
   
   
2. You should be consistent between writing in the second or third person:
   View attachment 5181961
   vs
   View attachment 5181962
   Hard to advise what is the best.
   Second person is better for immersion of the player.
   Third person is better if you plan to often change point of view (like other characters thoughts), or showing to the player things Kyra can't know/be aware of.
   I just think you should choose one and stick to it.
   
   
3. A typo, you often write "i" for the first-person pronoun when in English it must always be "I" in capital letter
   
   
4. Another typo, I suppose it should be "Soon" instead of "Son"
   View attachment 5181976
   
   
5. About the story, I find a bit unbelievable how easy Clara accept that Kyra kill her then turn her in the vampire path.
   I suppose it's the bound between the two created by that, but it's not clear at all. I think at least, Clara should have some thoughts about it. Wondering why she trust and even like Kyra when she should despised Kyra for having killed and changed her forever.
   I think it's even more strange on the "human" path, because as a player, I can't get why Clara trust Kyra. It could be some vampire passive power (something like vampires naturally inspiring trust to human to prey on them easily). But there is no clue for the player it is the case, and it seems odd.
   Perhaps changing how Kyra meet Clara. Something like Clara was attacked (by an angry customer, another prostitute, a pimp...) and Kyra step in and help her. So it will be easier to understand why Clara trust Kyra.

Anyway, I like the prologue and hope to see more soon.
I just wish Kyra will never cut her hair. A redhead with hair down to her knees is too sexy to let any scissor come close to it .

Clara accepting it easily is a narrative choice, there is a reason why she's so accepting of it, it will be revealed to you in a future chapter if you are on her path. If you played the path where she's not turned you may get some hints when she's has inner monologue in the bathroom. The ''Son'' typo and other typos i corrected in 0.1.1 build, so are you playing the latest build? BTW, you need to remove the fix that was posted some days back, its no longer needed, that may be your issue. If not i encourage you to download 0.1.2, you will have to anyway since i made a bunch of changes to the points system so a new playthrough is required, but all grammar and typo errors are fixed. Plus some other things. As for hunger bar, 100% means she's fully topped of, it indicates her blood levels basically, to me it makes more sense this way then it being the other way around. Hah, as for Kyra's hair, im still thinking if i should trim it some, or maybe keep it long and just give her a more modern hairstyle. I like the long hair myself hence why i did it this way. Small fact, originally she actually had shorter and more auburn and curly hair. I may still have some render laying around of that somewhere i could share if you want to see, i don't mind. Still up on the future hair front, its likely i would leave it to my patrons to decide in a poll. Again, check out the latest build if you haven't lots of updates there

 

[Akabakka]

I have to nitpick a bit some of the starting scenes. I don't think someone from over a millennia ago would see a modern city with tons of lights and skyscrapers and be like "oh a city over there" and not be freaked out. And even less be able to comment on "the sounds of machinery and the hum of technology". I mean you set her origin up at a time where printing presses were barely invented, and centuries before mechanical clockworks or eyeglasses were even a thing. Those concept and words would be alien to her

 

[NoX Productions]

I have to nitpick a bit some of the starting scenes. I don't think someone from over a millennia ago would see a modern city with tons of lights and skyscrapers and be like "oh a city over there" and not be freaked out. And even less be able to comment on "the sounds of machinery and the hum of technology". I mean you set her origin up at a time where printing presses were barely invented, and centuries before mechanical clockworks or eyeglasses were even a thing. Those concept and words would be alien to her

Thanx for your feedback. I see what you are saying. I will correct this for the next version.

 

[Maviarab]

I really wanted to like this....I really did. Vamps, gothic...FMC...lesbianism...it has potential however and at least it's not the usual vampire awkening stuff you see in most other VN's, however:

It's really not very good. She uses words that would not even have existed in her time. The writing is absolutely awful in general, especially the over use of repeating things. English phrasing not great either so assuming not a native speaker and there are 'still' typos present. Clara uses more vampire terminology then Kyra does...is she a secret mythical lore expert in her spare time? First day of becoming a pro...but has money to go shopping for clothes? Ehhh...

Then we also have the good old single choice clickable action...why? Seriously...why?

Render quality is....average and acceptable, though the lighting is terrible (in terms of where light comes from and should be/should not be), especially in locations where there is only one main source. A nitpick perhaps for sure, but lighting is 80% of your photograph (or in an AVN's case a render...but it amounts to the exact same thing). This was fine 10 years ago but the bar has been raised substantially and if you can't meet it, everything else needs to be way above average and sadly, it isn't here.

Please do also remember that Ren'py comes with different sound channels...take all the effects out of the music channel...please.

Been debating actually posting this. It sounds overly harsh I realise but I'd like this to go somewhere and improve, but it needs a lot of work beforehand.

 

[Buletti]

I really wanted to like this....I really did. Vamps, gothic...FMC...lesbianism...it has potential however and at least it's not the usual vampire awkening stuff you see in most other VN's, however:

It's really not very good. She uses words that would not even have existed in her time. The writing is absolutely awful in general, especially the over use of repeating things. English phrasing not great either so assuming not a native speaker and there are 'still' typos present. Clara uses more vampire terminology then Kyra does...is she a secret mythical lore expert in her spare time? First day of becoming a pro...but has money to go shopping for clothes? Ehhh...

Then we also have the good old single choice clickable action...why? Seriously...why?

Render quality is....average and acceptable, though the lighting is terrible (in terms of where light comes from and should be/should not be), especially in locations where there is only one main source. A nitpick perhaps for sure, but lighting is 80% of your photograph (or in an AVN's case a render...but it amounts to the exact same thing). This was fine 10 years ago but the bar has been raised substantially and if you can't meet it, everything else needs to be way above average and sadly, it isn't here.

Please do also remember that Ren'py comes with different sound channels...take all the effects out of the music channel...please.

Been debating actually posting this. It sounds overly harsh I realise but I'd like this to go somewhere and improve, but it needs a lot of work beforehand.

I am still debating if I should start it already. But having quite a number of the recent updates still not finished and some big fishes ahead, I think I will wait a little longer.

A lot of your points are relevant for me as well.

I give the dev a lot of Credit though that he is very active here and seems to be willing to improve.

That gives me a lot of confidence for future updates. Because I also really want to like this.

 

[NoX Productions]

I really wanted to like this....I really did. Vamps, gothic...FMC...lesbianism...it has potential however and at least it's not the usual vampire awkening stuff you see in most other VN's, however:

It's really not very good. She uses words that would not even have existed in her time. The writing is absolutely awful in general, especially the over use of repeating things. English phrasing not great either so assuming not a native speaker and there are 'still' typos present. Clara uses more vampire terminology then Kyra does...is she a secret mythical lore expert in her spare time? First day of becoming a pro...but has money to go shopping for clothes? Ehhh...

Then we also have the good old single choice clickable action...why? Seriously...why?

Render quality is....average and acceptable, though the lighting is terrible (in terms of where light comes from and should be/should not be), especially in locations where there is only one main source. A nitpick perhaps for sure, but lighting is 80% of your photograph (or in an AVN's case a render...but it amounts to the exact same thing). This was fine 10 years ago but the bar has been raised substantially and if you can't meet it, everything else needs to be way above average and sadly, it isn't here.

Please do also remember that Ren'py comes with different sound channels...take all the effects out of the music channel...please.

Been debating actually posting this. It sounds overly harsh I realise but I'd like this to go somewhere and improve, but it needs a lot of work beforehand.

Thanx for your feedback! I am already working on improving some of the issues you mentioned for chapter 1, and later when time permits i will go back and put in new ideas into the prologue as well. This was my first game release after working with both Ren'py and Daz for only 3 months so i still have lots to learn. Can't really expect top notch quality right from the rip. I can tell you i myself have seen much worse from some people at the start and their games turned out good. I strive to improve as i learn new things. While some people can i can't do some of the stuff, i literally put this together on a 10+ year old PC, honestly IMO it came out better than i thought it would be quality vise. So im sorry if i can't meet your clearly high standards but currently it's just not possible for me to do so for various reasons from hardware limitations to me still actually learning to do this as i go. I can tell you that the chapter 1 im working on right now already shows some improvements as im learning new things. Hopefully as i release more i can win you over but that is up to you. For sound channels, im pretty sure they are already separated, you can mute effects, music, and menu sfx individually but i can look into it some more. Have you played the latest version? Because it seems fine on my end and i haven't seen anyone else mention anything about it. Either way, all i can say thank you for trying it out at least and hopefully in the future as i learn new things i can meet your standards!

 

[damnedfrog]

Clara accepting it easily is a narrative choice, there is a reason why she's so accepting of it, it will be revealed to you in a future chapter if you are on her path. If you played the path where she's not turned you may get some hints when she's has inner monologue in the bathroom.

I understand there reasons we don't know for now.
On the vampire path, I suppose the bound between the two explain why Clara accept the situation quite easily.
But on the human path, I find it more difficult to believe it. In fact on this path, it's not the fact that Clara trust Kyra so easily, but the fact that she doesn't question her trust on a perfect stranger. Who, moreover look and act weirdly. There could be an explanation we don't know yet, like some vampire passive power. But without any clue, it's feel odd.

It's also why I think a solution could be how the two meet. Something like Kyra intervenes to protect Clara from a danger (like an aggression). Then it would make more sense for Clara to trust Kyra.
But I understand if you don't want to recreate a part of the prologue.

The ''Son'' typo and other typos i corrected in 0.1.1 build, so are you playing the latest build? BTW, you need to remove the fix that was posted some days back, its no longer needed, that may be your issue. If not i encourage you to download 0.1.2, you will have to anyway since i made a bunch of changes to the points system so a new playthrough is required, but all grammar and typo errors are fixed.

Yes, I was playing the 0.1 build.
Since I played the 0.1.2 build, and the typo was corrected.
But I still find many occurrence where you use "i" for the first-person singular pronoun instead of "I".

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As for hunger bar, 100% means she's fully topped of, it indicates her blood levels basically, to me it makes more sense this way then it being the other way around.

I don't know if it's just me, but I still find strange that on a bar labelled "Hunger", 0% means you are starving to death, and 100% you are totally full. Because 0% hunger suggest you're not hungry at all, and 100% hunger suggest you're totally starving.
I found it would be more logical if the label would be something like "satiety", "blood power", "blood potency", "energy"...

I like the long hair myself hence why i did it this way. Small fact, originally she actually had shorter and more auburn and curly hair. I may still have some render laying around of that somewhere i could share if you want to see, i don't mind. Still up on the future hair front, its likely i would leave it to my patrons to decide in a poll. Again, check out the latest build if you haven't lots of updates there

Sure, I would like to see Kyra with another hairstyle.

 

[damnedfrog]

I have to nitpick a bit some of the starting scenes. I don't think someone from over a millennia ago would see a modern city with tons of lights and skyscrapers and be like "oh a city over there" and not be freaked out. And even less be able to comment on "the sounds of machinery and the hum of technology". I mean you set her origin up at a time where printing presses were barely invented, and centuries before mechanical clockworks or eyeglasses were even a thing. Those concept and words would be alien to her

She uses words that would not even have existed in her time.

We could also argue that they can't even really understand each other.
At a human scale, one millennia is huge, and languages tend to evolve a lot.
I don't know for English, but as a French speaker, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to understand the medieval French from a thousand years ago.

Thanx for your feedback. I see what you are saying. I will correct this for the next version.

Again, the solution could be magic vampire power.
You could simply add a kind of vampire telepathy allowing Kyra to understand things and languages that she shouldn't.
A passive power that automatically activate when she is contact with humans.

 

[NoX Productions]

I understand there reasons we don't know for now.
On the vampire path, I suppose the bound between the two explain why Clara accept the situation quite easily.
But on the human path, I find it more difficult to believe it. In fact on this path, it's not the fact that Clara trust Kyra so easily, but the fact that she doesn't question her trust on a perfect stranger. Who, moreover look and act weirdly. There could be an explanation we don't know yet, like some vampire passive power. But without any clue, it's feel odd.

It's also why I think a solution could be how the two meet. Something like Kyra intervenes to protect Clara from a danger (like an aggression). Then it would make more sense for Clara to trust Kyra.
But I understand if you don't want to recreate a part of the prologue.


Yes, I was playing the 0.1 build.
Since I played the 0.1.2 build, and the typo was corrected.
But I still find many occurrence where you use "i" for the first-person singular pronoun instead of "I".

Spoiler

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I don't know if it's just me, but I still find strange that on a bar labelled "Hunger", 0% means you are starving to death, and 100% you are totally full. Because 0% hunger suggest you're not hungry at all, and 100% hunger suggest you're totally starving.
I found it would be more logical if the label would be something like "satiety", "blood power", "blood potency", "energy"...


Sure, I would like to see Kyra with another hairstyle.

Well, on human path, Clara doesn't know that Kyra is a vampire, so she's just offering her help out of the goodness of her heart because she's a good person and saw a person in need. I don't see how that is strange. Maybe i didn't convey it in the dialogue clearly enough.

Do we really need big ''I'' everywhere? I personally don't use it that often. Sure, it may not be entirely grammatically correct but i feel like you are nitpicking at this point. I put big I wherever i remember to do that, i don't always. Im not a native English speaker and never actually learned grammar so i don't think some leeway is too much to ask here in this case. If it irks you so much i will put the big I's where i missed them.

For hunger bar i have already made the change to ''Blood Pool'' since she uses up blood for casting abilities, so this will be corrected in chapter 1.

Kyra is in fact getting a new hairstyle to better blend in into modern society in chapter 1, her and Clara will visit a hair salon as well while shopping for clothes for her. People on my Patreon already voted on the hairstyle she will have, check that post out if you are interested in how it will look.

We could also argue that they can't even really understand each other.
At a human scale, one millennia is huge, and languages tend to evolve a lot.
I don't know for English, but as a French speaker, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to understand the medieval French from a thousand years ago.


Again, the solution could be magic vampire power.
You could simply add a kind of vampire telepathy allowing Kyra to understand things and languages that she shouldn't.
A passive power that automatically activate when she is contact with humans.

Do people really expect me to know some form of whatever language they spoke back then? Sometimes you just have to go with suspension of disbelief. Modern language is just being used because it's easier for us modern humans to understand. This isn't Hollywood or some grand novel for God's sake! It's just like that for convenience. Some people have really high expectations out of a adult novel. Just use your imagination, ain't that hard.

This last one was maybe a bit of a rant but some people need to be brought back down to Earth. People expecting miracles from a first time writer, of a adult visual novel at that. Maybe read a book if this is not good enough for your high standards. I usually don't go on rants but sometimes some people really need a reality check.

 

[FatGiant]

Do we really need big ''I'' everywhere?

Short Answer: Yes!
Long Answer: Still Yes! But, from a fellow non-native speaker, when you write on a language, you assume instantly and obligatorily the rules and norms of said language. "I" is VERY important, so much so, that they even capitalize it everywhere. Showing disdain for the language you are writing in, is a VERY worrying way to inform us that the quality of your writing is not depending on knowledge but on a deep bias against the rules that govern language.

You may not bother with grammar. But accept and implement the corrections of those that do. Learn and evolve.

The hubris on that post is horrendous. A language is NOT built on the whims of those that refuse to learn it.

TL/DR: You. Are. Wrong. Learn and Improve.

Peace

 

[NoX Productions]

Short Answer: Yes!
Long Answer: Still Yes! But, from a fellow non-native speaker, when you write on a language, you assume instantly and obligatorily the rules and norms of said language. "I" is VERY important, so much so, that they even capitalize it everywhere. Showing disdain for the language you are writing in, is a VERY worrying way to inform us that the quality of your writing is not depending on knowledge but on a deep bias against the rules that govern language.

You may not bother with grammar. But accept and implement the corrections of those that do. Learn and evolve.

The hubris on that post is horrendous. A language is NOT built on the whims of those that refuse to learn it.

TL/DR: You. Are. Wrong. Learn and Improve.

Peace

I mean, I did correct the ''I's'' for chapter 1 and also in the prologue now when I'm working on next chapter, but I'm not going to put out a patch just to correct one letter. You are welcome to wait for Chapter 1 or if it bothers you that much, the spellchecker patch i put out few weeks ago auto capitalizes all I's. I didn't put that patch into the new version because it was messing up some other dialogue so be aware of that if you decide to use it. I'm using MS Word to spellcheck my script now so if a small ''i'' sneaks in, then Word didn't catch it. No errors are now showing in the final script so I assume it's correct now. But it's using American English so IDK if it's different from UK English but should be the same.

 

[FatGiant]

I mean, I did correct the ''I's'' for chapter 1 and also in the prologue now when I'm working on next chapter, but I'm not going to put out a patch just to correct one letter. You are welcome to wait for Chapter 1 or if it bothers you that much, the spellchecker patch i put out few weeks ago auto capitalizes all I's. I didn't put that patch into the new version because it was messing up some other dialogue so be aware of that if you decide to use it. I'm using MS Word to spellcheck my script now so if a small ''i'' sneaks in, then Word didn't catch it. No errors are now showing in the final script so I assume it's correct now. But it's using American English so IDK if it's different from UK English but should be the same.

Use Grammarly. It is context aware.

You must be registered to see the links

 

[NoX Productions]

Use Grammarly. It is context aware.

You must be registered to see the links

I do use Grammarly actually, have been for a couple weeks now. So future errors should be fixed with this, unless it screws up

 

[FatGiant]

I do use Grammarly actually, have been for a couple weeks now. So future errors should be fixed with this, unless it screws up

There's something wrong with it then, because you keep making the "i" mistake even here.