Man, really great work, dev. While I encourage you to consider an editor, you've still got one hell of a great writing style when it comes to word choice. I'm super impressed with how you've handled this story and build-up so far. I also love a lot of the character design.
One thing. "Mrs." means you are/were married, and "Ms." can be ambiguous. But "Miss," when it's spelled out like that, very specifically means you are not married. I believe the netori-minded among us would like to request a "Miss Clements" name change?
But even if you don't, I'm sticking around because this is awesome work. Keep it up!