- Aug 14, 2020
- 114
- 1,303
Title isn't a troll, this is the last post I'll be writing for some time. Mackenzie will run everything while I focus on the things that I need to focus on.
I am not sure if we'll be going through with the release tomorrow yet or not but either way I have recently been feeling very guilty over taking pledges while not holding my word.
The initial idea is 52 updates over 52 weeks.
No set release days, just averaging a release every 7 days.
So, for those that don't know. It's been a shit show around here for a minute.
So, WVM was launched in August of 2019.
It was my first creative project ever. The first renders of WVM were also some of the first renders I've ever made.
I had played a handful of other VN's and realized I wanted to make my own, I had an idea and wanted to see what I could do with it. Googled everything and taught myself everything I knew.
Originally didn't even plan to release it but was hoping a few people would pledge so it could help pay my internet bill / buy more assets for the game.
Basically, WVM was never meant to be a hit. It was just a hobby I did for fun and it blew up very quickly.
I was a pretty confident kid, grew up playing sports and grew up completely broke in a rough part of Pennsylvania. I've been in shit situations and I've been completely fine. Never even thought about my own mental health or anything like that. So when I finally did run into issues, I had no idea how to handle them and I really crumbled.
At first I was not confident or proud of the content I was making. I made it knowing I would be remaking it in the future when I felt better about my skill.
And I mean WVM blew up instantly, I felt like I had no control and I just continued making it and kept trying to improve on the fly.
Something I just made for fun was being critiqued by people who did this for a living and it really fucked with my head a bit.
I liked what I made but I always knew it could be better but I set crazy expectations on myself that really limited my ability to learn new things.
And as WVM kept growing in popularity, the criticism and negativity kept getting louder. Expectations and stress started to get out of hand and I was struggling to keep up.
And I just want to point out that it's never one comment that gets to somebody. It's when you read the same negative opinions every day for months and it just wears you down.
Anyways, near the peak of my stress with the game... Covid happened.
And for those that don't know, I alone took care of my grandpa for many years before he recently passed.
So covid was a really scary time and it heightened my stress by a lot but I was mostly managing.
Then my aunt passed away and it really fucked me up. It was my first time experiencing a close death and even though it's been years I still think about her every single day.
I struggled a lot but was starting to improve.
Then my bestfriend took his own life.
Came out of nowhere, talked to him not that long before he did it and he seemed normal. This was a guy I talked to every single day and he knew everything about me and I knew everything about him.
I'll tell you right now that I'm still nowhere close to "over" his death.
It's been 965 days and I still get sick to my stomach every day because I feel guilty for not knowing he was feeling that way. Always felt like I could have done more.
I was really not okay following his death, my aunt on the other side of the family had to take care of my grandpa for a while as I wasn't even capable of taking care of myself.
This is actually when my girlfriend (now wife) moved in with me.
Throughout all of these things I was trying to work on the game. I was giving release dates and failing and everything was falling apart and I felt unable to take control of anything.
Eventually things started to get back on track, nothing was even close to perfect but there was at least a crumb of momentum.
I was doing everything I thought possible to get myself back on track, I was pouring myself into the game but I felt so out of touch with the game. It felt like I couldn't make anything worth releasing.
This was really difficult to maneuver.
I was going through my own little hell while having the support of all of these people that completely changed my life and me wanting nothing but to give them something they deserve but feeling unable to do so.
Shit was fucking wack and it's exactly what's been happening again.
Skipping ahead a bit
We found out we were going to have a baby and that was fantastic but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried since I still wasn't completely okay or ready or anything.
Super weird feeling when everything in my personal life was going really well but everything else was so off.
I knew it would be difficult to handle a new baby and continue making WVM at a good pace.
I knew how difficult it was for me to release the pool party but I had honestly thought it would be much easier to handle a large release again after I had just gone through it and accomplished it.
So after a lot of talks with my wife that was the plan, I would focus on large updates so there was less commotion.
Things went well for a while then old feelings started to creep up again.
Large releases mean large expectations.
My goal is always to release something fun and it was a struggle to make something I was happy with or felt like was deserving of the time spent on it.
We moved and I had an issue with my eyes but for the most part things kept moving along.
Then my grandpa got really sick and needed constant care, then our old home got broken into and a room was burned, my wife had a creep that we had to report to the police, we had to move again, and all of this was happening with a newborn.
I felt so fried by personal life being fucked as well as this side of my life.
I still worked as much as I could but all of those feelings of being out of touch and not liking what I made after a few days always kept popping up.
I kept convincing myself that I was over it and gave new expectations of a release window until ultimately falling into the same cycle over and over.
I kept fucking with the events and not liking the order in which they happened and it led me down the rabbit hole of locking into the new timeline and that required a lot of work.
I finally decided I needed help. I knew Mackenzie for a while and I knew she was the person for the job.
She helped a ton with restructuring things as well as helping me organize everything.
Things were finally moving again. Spent a lot of time planning and we had two decent releases that really helped clear my mind a bit.
Same issues as before but finally felt like I was getting over some of it.
My grandpa passed away but we knew it was coming and he was surrounded by loved ones.
Then I got sick, had an appendicitis and spent a lot of time in a hospital. (Totally fine now though)
Upon returning I just really didn't like anything I had made. I don't know why but that's how I felt. Didn't go crazy and start changing everything but instead gave myself some time to really think about it.
I want nothing more than to make and release something that's been worth this very long wait but that's just not very likely at this point.
I've changed my mind on most of the content, I'm happy with it at this point.
I'm very glad I remodeled the house because the home scene to me now looks 1000x better.
You guys have changed my life. I just want to release a game that is worthy of that support.
I was working a job I didn't like very much just to pay the bills for me and my grandpa in a very run down and old home that was falling apart.
Now I own my own home and I'm surrounded by family that I love and I am able to support them through you guys.
It is impossible for me to describe how much that means to me.
I do believe the multiple changes have made for a much better update but I've also caused a lot of frustration.
I constantly tried to force myself into releases and all it did was lead to a lot of anger and a lot of broken promises.
But, in all of that time I was trying to set up my life in a way that I could return to small releases after this fucker of an update as it's just the obvious solution to my issue.
I know they're not as good for the game and I know I'd get pissed if I had to read about "Ugh, another small update" but that's the beautiful thing, I'm dipping.
I'm not built for the public internet figure life. I just want to be the guy that makes WVM and that's all you know about me.
(This was a very ranty and very summarized version of the events these past few years. Left out a lot but this is the general idea of it all.)
I say all of that to say, I've been a mental wreck and I constantly gaslit myself into believing I was totally fine.
I have really tried confronting my problems head on recently and it's led to a lot of progress.
I've realized I have to stop waiting for the right time to come to me. The right time doesn't exist.
I kept saying "Oh, I'll release after 'X' is finished." and X could be anything from a dentist appointment to feeling intense anxiety.
I want nothing more than to get this update out in a good state and then move past it.
I've recently experienced a pretty harsh ego death where I realized just how much of a bitch I've been about everything and it's just time to man up and move past it. For myself, for you, and for my family.
I've had my time to mourn and handle. Time to get back on the saddle.
I do want to quickly state that my bitchness has been pretty secluded to just on here... which is good and bad because it hasn't been very fun having all of my problems shared publicly. But my personal life has gone very well, I love being a husband and a father and I love taking care of them. My child never sees this side of me and my wife has only seen it at its worst.
I'm still a kid, I fucked up a lot and I just want to learn from it and move on.
I don't want everyone to think I'm some evil guy twirling his mustache. These posts are real and I'm just a guy trying to get the fuck past this gigantic mental block.
If I wanted to "milk" then I would just put out anything and not care about the quality.
I think me not being prepared for instant success on top of the world and my personal life going to shit while trying to maintain just caused a lot of damage that I'm still picking up the pieces from.
Which is why I want to disappear from being the guy here.
I just want to focus on making something I enjoy and not care about what others think, properly heal and just be the guy that makes a porn game for fun.
This feels like a schizo post at this point. I'm not even sure if any of this is making sense. I've just been a mental mess and I want to return to small consistent updates for a year and the re-evaluate.
We've mentioned in the past about "Internal testing" and we were testing out these small releases and how reliable they could be.
I feel completely drained and exhausted. I've felt nonstop anxiety for months and months and I just want to get past it.
It isn't fun for anyone and I'm sorry you've been on this ride with me but I'm super fucking appreciative. Beyond what you will ever know.
Even if you were a former supporter that hates me now, thank you for the help you did give me.
I'm not sure if I'll be releasing tomorrow or not, really in my head and I probably need to cool off a bit first but I also just want it out.
We'll see but if it isn't tomorrow then it's very soon. Pledges paused either way.
First release for the 52 updates in 52 weeks will be April 6th.
I'm not sure exactly what happened but I do feel differently than I have in a long time. I woke up one day recently and everything was way more clear than before. Like my mind was settled instead of foggy and I realized just how fucked everything had become. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't deeply embarrassed and ashamed of my actions but I can promise I'm going to put all of my effort into improving and becoming a better person from all of this.
You won't hear again from me for a while but Mackenzie will keep you informed.
Thank you all for everything and I hope all of you are doing well. And thanks for reading this book.
<3
Braindrop tomorrow afternoon:
