I don't know why I am doing this. I should probably write "awesome game, good job, 10/10".
But there is a problem. I think this developer is really promising, and there is a good chance that he can be really big. IF. If there is will to work on some easily fixable areas.
This is one of the posts which will probably come across as whining, even though I think this is a good game
among AVNs as is. But for some reason all I see is that this developer has real potential, let's encourage maybe a step forward?
Some examples on what could be improved with a bit of planning and consulting a creative writing college student.
1: trimming the fat
What is written and makes it into the game should always serve a purpose. If that scene or location doesn't serve a purpose, nothing important happens, it is just time and talent wasted. (possibly also money, if it requires buying assets)
A good example for this is the sorority in the game. The PC could meet most of the girls as colleagues while working for Reina, already knows June, Cassandra and Kindra. Is the sorority in the game because an AVn should have one? Isn't a nice office to meet the girls enough? In my opinion the early game would be much improved if the PC was hired by Reina instead of Kindra (easier access to all main girls).
Every developer can go through the draft with the sole aim of trimming the fat. Do I need this location and buy the assets? Can something else stand in for it? Are these two characters necessary, doing the same stuff (or, often, standing idle!), or should I merge them instead? (even pros struggle with this. Reacher season 2 has Frances Neagley and Karla Dixon, who should have been merged. If these were merged the resulting character would be a competent person. As is, they do nothing most of the time, and the writers struggled to find things for them to do)
2: foreshadowing
This is difficult to verbalize for a non native english speaker
Basically if you throw awesome moments without a proper foreshadowing, the players will not really be an awe. More likely "cool, I guess". A good example in the game is the walk around the Batcave with Kindra.
This is not easy to pull off, not at all. Many good writers struggle with it. If it is too obvious, the players will figure out future events, so it doesn't work. If it is super hidden, the payoff will come out of the blue, and will feel like a deus ex machina.
Well, yup, it is difficult for me. Critical drinker's "setup and payoff" to the rescue. Don'T mind it is for movies, it is true for writing and games too.
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3: challenge, failiure
It is very difficult to root for characters who do not struggle. It's just basic human nature.
The most popular character arc is encountering some kind of challenge, which actually seems impossible to defeat for the protagonist. Improvement, change is needed, which leads to struggles, failiure (!), setbacks. Digesting these failiures lead to a new understanding, where the protagonist (with, maybe the help of a mentor) can finally overcome the challenge. Very important: doing ones best and failing does _not_ make a character weak, it is a tool to make personal growth beliveable. If there is no challenge, no fail, then there is no growth either! The characters starts awesome and ends awesome, basically nothing happens (only that I hate the guy already).
In game: protagonist has 30 bucks, not place to stay, no job. Everyone was young starting up his career, living in shithole apartments rented with three friends, working two jobs to pay the bills, so this is easy to relate. Looking forward to how the protagonist overcomes this! Oh, he gets 1500€, a place to stay, a car to use, his dream job, and about eight sexy women who fully support him in his struggles for some reason. In a week! That's convenient!
4: Mary Sue. wikipedia instert
"A Mary Sue is a character archetype in fiction, usually a young woman, who is often portrayed as inexplicably competent across all domains, gifted with unique talents or powers, liked or respected by most other characters, unrealistically free of weaknesses, extremely attractive, innately virtuous, and/or generally lacking meaningful character flaws"
I'm sorry but this is Kindra, like, literally. It is also the main reason why I found everyone else more interesting, despite Kindra being so central to the game.
(to be fair, there are many interesting characters in the game! To me Reina, Zelda and Naomi are superb. They key to me seems to be that they are very strong in certain areas, but vulnerable in others, which is a nice dynamic. This is really missing with Kindra)
I wanted to write these basic examples because these are easy to improve. Just a short writing course. Every writing teacher there is will say, that if one knows the basics, fuck off and start writing. The first 10000 pages will be shit, but afterwards you will see improvement.
But the key is to know the very basics. Maybe not even a full course is needed, just sending over the draft to a creative writing major (the ones I knew in college would read through it for a six pack), and discuss the problems she found over a few drinks.
I'm not sure if this will come across as whining. But I wanted to write these up, because I really think that the dev is talented.
#gets ready for flak
#good intentions