Don't take mew the wrong way, I agree with you, Patrick is not a good guy.
There are no excuses for Patrick. And I did later on add that he is broken by life. Nothing of his acts is of "true faith", it's all fanatical towards giving his wife the wishes she desires. But one part I might disagree on is him knowing what he is doing to his kids. In a way, yes. But when one is broken to the point in losing faith in everything, and clings to one thing for normality, specially if it's a promise made to a dying person, ppl can become sociopathic. He might not see his kids as his children anymore, just as tools to bring Helen the wishes she desires, completely blind to the fact that all Helen wanted was to be happy at the end of the day, and her having a ultra happy gay daughter would probably be great.
So in that regard, he does participate in willing disregard of his own children. In Maya's case, more abusive.
But I think it's not planned, just sociopathic behavior that is automatic, since it does not comply with his world view and desires for Helen. So rather than it being pre-planned abuse, I see it more as neglect and sociopathic complete disregard and empathic disconnect from his kids.
The facade he puts with guests and unknowns is all to normal with sociopaths too.