Ren'Py Divine Dawn [v0.30] [Cryswar]

[EthelTheLost]

I've never read a Madoka fanfic in my life, though I did enjoy the anime and Rebellion. It sounds like you're referring to Ashley, whose hair was very loosely inspired by Deutschland from Azur Lane but otherwise original. Don't know if her personality is anything similar to the fanfic character you mentioned.

Honestly, if you're saying Ashley's original then I'll believe it. I had just found the resemblance uncanny is all.

 

[Cryswar]

Honestly, if you're saying Ashley's original then I'll believe it. I had just found the resemblance uncanny is all.

Would you be willing to share that fanart so I could compare it? I'm actually pretty curious now lol. I realize that to a degree the design of 'cute dark-haired punk/goth girl' isn't exactly original, just surprised they apparently ended up that similar.

 

[BlindBigot]

Sam is love, Sam is life.

 

[Cryswar]

Game refers to both versions of Sam as them in the "Mostly just to piss them off." line.
And later in the part "all you have to go on" sounds syntactically wrong.
And later both Sams say "lunno, but I aint looking to find out."
I think you need a proofreader.

Those are all intentional lol.

I use mostly he/she with some thems to switch it up.

"all you/we have to go on" is pretty commonly used?

"Iunno" is meant to simulate the lazy way she says it, not really annunciating the d. I've seen it used often before.

Representing slang and halfass manners of speech in text is hard to get right for sure, but while I would appreciate proofreading, not every grammatically incorrect choice - especially from someone like Sam - is an error on my part.

 

[BlindBigot]

Ok, I've checked several dictionaries, and used several translatiors, and came to conclusion that I severely need to learn older british english. Modern mishmash of slang and foreign words that people call "english" is ruining my brain.

 

[BlindBigot]

Those are all intentional lol.

I use mostly he/she with some thems to switch it up.

"all you/we have to go on" is pretty commonly used?

"Iunno" is meant to simulate the lazy way she says it, not really annunciating the d. I've seen it used often before.

Representing slang and halfass manners of speech in text is hard to get right for sure, but while I would appreciate proofreading, not every grammatically incorrect choice - especially from someone like Sam - is an error on my part.

I apologise for my mistakes, but calling girl a dude still feels very weird.

 

[MoarDakka123]

I apologise for my mistakes, but calling girl a dude still feels very weird.

Nahh, "dude" in that sense refers to a relationship dynamic, it's not strictly dependent on sex or gender.

EDIT For comparison, take the phrase "bros before hoes", the "bros" refers to friends and not specifically male ones, whereas "hoes" is more about a (potential) romantic/sexual partner, regardless of whether or not they're actually female.

 

[BlindBigot]

"steps towards the creature as you, protective of you."
Is there a verb missing? Like "as you stare," or somehting?

 

[MoarDakka123]

"steps towards the creature as you, protective of you."
Is there a verb missing? Like "as you stare," or somehting?

I didn't notice that when I played, what scene is it?

 

[Cryswar]

Ok, I've checked several dictionaries, and used several translatiors, and came to conclusion that I severely need to learn older british english. Modern mishmash of slang and foreign words that people call "english" is ruining my brain.

My writing style is heavily influenced by older literature and can absolutely be awkward or overly verbose. I'm under no illusions about being a perfect writer or that my style is perfect for an adult game. All I can do is practice and improve over time.

I apologise for my mistakes, but calling girl a dude still feels very weird.

No need to apologize! I genuinely do appreciate constructive criticism and proofreading. There are definitely typos that slip through, and sometimes I try to get too fancy with wording and end up making it confusing instead.

The dude thing can be taken as ironic or dudebro culture. MC is responding to Sam calling them dude. The idea was that the two of them are bros regardless of gender.

The execution is up for debate though haha.

EDIT: MoarDakka's explanation is fantastic and does a great job of explaining it!

 

[BlindBigot]

I didn't notice that when I played, what scene is it?

When the tutorial corrupted boar appears.

 

[BlindBigot]

In this reply to avoid spamming, I'll be compiling typos that I found:
1. When Sam leans against a tree, after defeating fifth boar, the word "silence" is repeated twice.
2. "area-effect needed top deal with hordes of foes" I think "top" was supposed to be "to".
3. When Ashley whispers "Heirodeiden style", maybe Heironeiden like in prologue?
4. Eighty hundred is 8000, not 800.

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5.
6. Idk what it's supposed to be so pointing it out just in case,

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7.

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8. "given a moment to compose himself she manages".

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9. When you pack gear in the morning "dad as reminded you three times", maybe "dad has reminded you three times"?
10. While packing gear Metatron's expression was stuck at distressed one until Celica's portrait showed up on the screen.
11. Word repeats twice

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12. Typo

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13. Word repeats twice

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Also a sequense loop/break?

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14. It slipped my mind in the beginning. Typo.

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15.

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16. I'm not sure of this one.

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17.

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[Cryswar]

In this reply to avoid spamming, I'll be compiling typos that I found:
1. When Sam leans against a tree, after defeating fifth boar, the word "silence" is repeated twice.
2. "area-effect needed top deal with hordes of foes" I think "top" was supposed to be "to".
3. When Ashley whispers "Heirodeiden style", maybe Heironeiden like in prologue?
4. Eighty hundred is 8000, not 800.

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1 and 2 fixed!

I'm not sure what you're asking about 3, can you clarify? It looks ok to me.

4. Yeah, typo, should have been "eight hundred"

 

[BlindBigot]

1 and 2 fixed!

I'm not sure what you're asking about 3, can you clarify? It looks ok to me.

4. Yeah, typo, should have been "eight hundred"

3 is another typo, Ashley, when player first meets her, said Heirodeiden, but everyone before and after that were saying Heironeiden.
I really was too vague there tho.

 

[Cryswar]

3 is another typo, Ashley, when player first meets her, said Heirodeiden, but everyone before and after that were saying Heironeiden.
I really was too vague there tho.

OH. N vs D. Right, great catch!

On 5, I... think you misread it? I'm not sure, it looks like "starting visibly but refusing to back down" for me. Maybe awkward wording, though. 'Starting' is a word for a sudden surprised moment.

 

[BlindBigot]

OH. N vs D. Right, great catch!

On 5, I... think you misread it? I'm not sure, it looks like "starting visibly but refusing to back down" for me. Maybe awkward wording, though. 'Starting' is a word for a sudden surprised moment.

Reading through Metatron encounter, I can see how it is probably just worded awkwardly.

 

[BlindBigot]

I would gladly die being sandwiched between Sam and Metatron.

 

[EthelTheLost]

Would you be willing to share that fanart so I could compare it? I'm actually pretty curious now lol. I realize that to a degree the design of 'cute dark-haired punk/goth girl' isn't exactly original, just surprised they apparently ended up that similar.

Here it is. Honestly, it was really just the hair that threw me.

 

[Cryswar]

I would gladly die being sandwiched between Sam and Metatron.

Dual abjob!

View attachment 1488543 Here it is. Honestly, it was really just the hair that threw me.

Huh, that's actually really cool hair. I like it lmao. The design overall is nice, she's cute.

I can see where you're coming from with the hair now, it is sort of similar. Ashley's excuse for streaks is that she got partially bleached by angel energy for about 800 years. I'm admittedly glad the rest of the design is almost entirely different though, from your first post it sounded like they were carbon copies.

 

[MoarDakka123]

I would gladly die being sandwiched between Sam and Metatron.

See, I really want to agree because Metatron is just the sweetest thing while Sam is just the best kind of idiot... But honestly, the writing is so good that I'm kinda sold on everyone Hell, even the contributing atmosphere is really nice, that damn tune I can't get out of my head that plays at camp is fantastic.