As always, thanks for the update; I was really looking forward to it.
I also think that the chapter 7-8 transition was abrupt, though not necessarily unsatisfying. I think whether or not I accept how lightly she gets off depends on who ordered it. For now though, I think just showing Jade clearly rattled and, more importantly, actually seeing the intimidation would work better than us finding out about it as Jade listens in on the phone conversation. It feels as if Jade is hearing that she was intimidated for the first time. I wondered at first if Gray was lying about actually doing anything besides knocking her out.
Jade comments that she's proud of Sammy for becoming so confident over "these last few weeks" and I sorta reeled at that comment. Sammy went from being a bullied shy guy to blowing up at his controlling mother, publicly presenting as a girl, and flirting with girls' boyfriends in the space of a few weeks? This is a massive personality shift in a very short period of time. I can sorta buy some of the sexual stuff with him being deeply closeted, though even that would be more believable if there'd been indication that he'd had some secret interest/ideation beforehand. He's met with Jade less than a dozen times and from their text history it's not like she's in daily correspondence with him.
Unfortunately, at this point short of some fantastical explanations (pheremones etc.) I think the best option is to make some edits to existing content. Either cheese the timescale or change Sammy or his girlfriend. In the former case, just saying "these past few months" would be somewhat more believable. In the latter case, either laying some more hints that his transformation didn't start in that shop with us (interest in MtF porn/trans stuff, or a dormant, fiery personality bleeds through when we discuss our nephew being a dick to him) or else offload some of the work to the GF by making her more interested in Sammy's transformation. Moving Jade's meetings with her up earlier would help in that regard.
I'll draw a point of comparison: our brother's wife has put up with that narcissistic jackass for her whole marriage and is all but looking for an opportunity to cheat when we meet her in the bar. Evelyn also makes a wild transformation from loyal wife to jumping her futa sister-in-law's bones at every chance, but there's a background to sell us on it.
With that said, their sex scene was hot. Thunderthighs were amazing; I need to replay some early chapters to confirm because holy shit I couldn't believe you hadn't changed the model either. Once Jade, Sammy, and Alex(?) are in the same room together things are going to get wonderfully messy.
There's a weird cut after Jade says "Get off me, I want to see your delicious ass." Screen fades to black, then we get a brief shot of them in the previous position that hard cuts to her pounding his ass from behind on the couch.
Interesting that Jade's step-sister remarks that lots of people trust Jade quickly and Jade replies that she gives an impression of being easy to trust? Perhaps that "pheremones" idea isn't too far off....
When discussing Andy with Mia and talking about making him a proper member of society, Jade thinks to herself, "Although, member with a small letter." I'm guessing this is two halves of different jokes mashed together? Capital vs small letters, big "member" vs little "member?" Regardless, it doesn't quite work. We don't capitalize "member of society" so there's no real pun/wordplay. (Also, it's typical to say "lowercase" instead of "little letter.")
I wish we'd seen a little more interaction between Jade and... her step-sister. See, I can't remember her name. The scene jumped from "I'm horny and peeved at my dad" to "You're hot, let's have sex" to "I belong to you, how could dad have kept me from this." She's cute, but boring. And I think that's a shame! I think she could be very interesting. Single child, home schooled, rich girl that hates being sheltered, suddenly gets a rough, tough, sexy older step-sister. It's easy to imagine her becoming infatuated with this person that slips through her dad's palace walls and brings something new, exciting, dangerous, and real! I think the pool scene would have been a good opportunity for Jade to tell her some stories about her getting into fights in high school and some crazy or just cool experiences she's had living on her own. Then Jade keeps getting messages from her basically whining that she's bored, Jade takes her out to do fun things for the first time, and soon Jade is all the poor girl can think about. Sex can still happen soon and be entirely believable, but what we got felt rushed; I think this is their second or third meeting so far? It's far from unrecoverable, though. I don't even think it really needs rewriting - though some extra dialogue in place of a montage of them standing around the sitting pool would go far. I just hope she gets a little more fleshed out in the future.
On the flip side, I really liked what we got with the mom. Good dialogue between them, with some frustration and unspoken feelings thick enough to chew on. The voyeruism was a little cliche, but it's a good cliche, haha. I still don't have a great read on what makes the mom tick, but I'm very curious!
For Mia's scene... I wish we had a little more there too. She wasn't drunk was she? And we haven't had any prior indication that either of them had romantic feelings for the other when they were younger? The kiss felt very sudden and could have used a little more tension in the room. I think moving the conversation about Andy later would help keep the scene focused on their own dynamic. After Ivy goes to bed, a tipsy Mia says she's glad that Jade spent her evening with them and that she gets along with Ivy so well. She wishes that things had gone differently and that they could've spent their time together like this years ago. All that time, all those opportunities, gone because of their mother's rash behavior. But... maybe it wasn't all bad that they had some time apart - especially for Ivy, Mia remarks, almost to herself. Jade wonders aloud what that means, perhaps thinking it's a teasing prod from her twin sister, but Mia's response surprises her. If the story leans toward a slow-burn romance, then Mia could sober up, realize she's said her thoughts aloud, and deflects that she might not have met Ivy if she hadn't been wrapped up dealing with Jade's misadventures all the time. She's relieved that she didn't spill the beans, but feels guilty for having just made her own lie. Perhaps some opportunity for a little more melodrama later on? If the story is leaning towards a more immediate turn in their relationship though, she might reflect that if she's going to demand that Jade and Ivy are honest with her, that she be honest with them. She admits that she had thoughts and feelings for Jade that weren't entirely sisterly when they were younger - just something about seeing a pretty girl flex and scare off the guys bothering her, she jokes. It's clear that she's trying to downplay the admission that she had an incestuous crush on her twin sister. Jade is... well, as shocked as Jade ever gets. Amused, intrigued, maybe mildly surprised. Her getting kicked out for 8 years was "good for Ivy," then, because otherwise Ivy wouldn't have had a chance against her? Mia laughs, though her eyes flicker across Jade's body, even more powerful and voluptuous than it was when she left. It wouldn't have changed anything, she assures her sister, because it wasn't anything serious. Besides, it's not like Jade felt (or feels) the same way... right?
And
then prompt the player whether or not they want to kiss Mia.
BTW, new banner on the thread? I always thought Ashley was cute - especially her silent screams in her room after getting hugs and kisses from her "favorite aunt" - but her picture on the banner is amazing. That cheerleader bod is amazing. For what it's worth, I don't usually like the "hot blonde cheerleader" archetype but it works great here.
Now STOP!
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She is now afraid to stay on the streets herself.
"She is now afraid" is a bit rigid for conversational English. "Now she is afraid" or just "Now she's afraid" is more natural. I'm also not sure what Sammy means by this statement. Is she scared to leave the house? Was his mom a whore, hence "staying" on the streets? I feel like there was something in the scene with their confrontation about her being a hypocrite...
Sammy, dear, would you like to help me show my misbehaving nephew. That the way he is acting, is the wrong way to live?
Both the period and comma should be removed.
I think I made it clear to her that she was no longer the boss there and that she shouldn't test my patience any further
Just missing a period at the end.
That's all I noticed this update, with the caveat that I only played it once and wasn't proofreading with my undivided attention.
