- Thread starter singsun66
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In that case why don’t you just make the “Willy Part 2, James's gambling addict” route a series of choices like, James bets too much money (this choice branch replaces the entire poker mini game) and then when James loses, Lucy either needs to work more degrading jobs to pay off the debt or James bets Lucy directly (her pictures, clothes, or sexual interactions with her to pay off debt”.
Yeah, but that will make the game focussed too much on the story. I was hoping that the mini-game would be like a point where the player can take a break from all of the emotion for a while, sort of like a resting point to calm their minds.
You mentioned wanting James to see Lucy as pure/innocent. The resting period can be a slow burn moment of them just having a normal routine of watching tv, a meal together, going to the gym that reoccurs throughout the game. It would create additional branches to get closer to Lucy or more distance depending on the players preferred choices.
I think you are already creating those moments when Lucy is texting James because it’s allowing them to connect, maybe James could respond back to Lucy so it feels more reactive instead of Lucy just sending all the messages.
I'm planning to do that using this
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. But I still don't have the time as I'm still focused on drawing CGs right now. Thanks for the suggestion btw.I can't believe I have to explain this...
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My art style Isn't that good yet, But if you asked what I want my style to be in the future, that'll be Bleach or Tite Kubo's art style. He has a unique style when it comes to hot woman and their expressions. For now, what I do is mix some manga and real person's images as a reference and modify it accordingly.
I am playing your game now. I really like the art and the vision that you have for this game. It looks like some editing is recommended for this though. There's some typos and some inconsistent tense changes. (Edits and comments will be in brackets)
This is from the opening screen:
"When me and my dad I were going for a fishing trip, a huge rock suddenly hit our car from the side."
[typo: "me and my dad I"]
[edit: "When my dad and I were going for a fishing trip..."]
---
My dad lost control of our car and we hit a tree.
[Edit: "As a result, my dad lost control of our car and we hit a tree."]
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Luckily there were a bunch of people on the side of the road that sees us and when they see the accident they were running toward our car.
[Inconsistent tense change: "sees" is present, but the previous sentences were past tense.]
[Edit: "Luckily, there were a group of people close by who came to our aid/came to rescue us"]
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When they finally get to our car, they check on my dad first.
---
[Inconsistent tense change - "get" and "check" are both present tense. It should be "got" (informal).
Since there's no need to mention that they are going to your car, you can just keep it simple, such as, "They checked on my dad first"
---
But unfortunately, my dad died on the spot.
[edit: Using "but unfortunately" is awkward. Use one or the other. "However" is also a worthy replacement.
You could also say "died at the scene", which is less colloquial as "died on the spot".]
---
Then they finally come to my side and check on me. I was feeling a huge relief at that time thinking they were going to help me."
[Edit: "Come" is present tense. Use came instead. Also, "I was feeling" should be "I felt"
"Once they realized that my dad had died, they came to check on me. I felt a huge relief."]
---
This is just a quick edit. From the rest of that opening screen, I realized there are lots of tenses that are not consistent. I will be more than happy to go through the game's script and help correct the grammar, if that's okay. Please let me know and I'll help for free. Like I said, I really like your game.
Also, I think a mom sending her nudes to her son is unrealistic. You're better off have him accidentally discovering it on her phone. Maybe she sent it out to her boyfriend or something.
Edit: Now I see that the script has her sending pictures on her own. In my opinion, it would be better to keep the whole thing a secret. In other words, she is oblivious to her son knowing that she is doing slutty things on the side.
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Thank you, I'll use this fix for the next episode. As I said, some of the images I use are still just placeholder images that I'll change in the future (Including some CGs), and that's why I didn't put much effort when making the opening screens as I still haven't found the perfect UI style for the game yet. Usually, I use Grammarly to fix the grammar of the script, and I think I didn't use it for the opening screen as it was created before the script of episode 1.
I'd be very grateful if you want to edit for free as the game doesn't generate any money for now. But you need to know that episodes 1-2 might be close to 6000 lines of dialogue and 4000 ish of them is a raw script from episode 2 meaning I didn't use Grammarly on it yet so not only it contains grammatical errors but also a bunch of typos.
You also have to promise me to not leak it.
If you're still interested in this, just send me a DM.
and for this:
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I did make that for the "normal sub-route". All you have to do is:
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Alright, not a problem - I'll send you a DM. I promise that I won't leak anything. The editing will purely be a hobby for me. I am just happy to help in some way.
