I've tried changing the control input, then I tried reinstalling and trying it again. I've tried three different links from the OP and they all download the same file. Since its working for everyone else by the looks of it, I figure its something wrong with my computer - but every other unity game has been fine thus far. I've tried it with and without the ReiPatcher autotranslator, in windowed mode and fullscreen, and on every graphical setting. I've even reinstalled it - both versions 0.34 and 0.42 - just before posting this in case I'm just crazy or something. Thus far, nothing's worked. I think I might be missing something. I still haven't tried the japanese locale but I'm not sure what that does and I don't speak Japanese.
Nevermind, I'm writing this a few minutes after that last bit and the Locale Emulator did nothing. I'm really at a loss.