Hey
Passion_Portal .
I like the beginning of your story!
Keep going.
---------------------------
Just one little thing - you're switching between present and past tense.
You're using present all the time, then comes 'With a steady hand, you pick
ed up ...'
Then when going for a coffee, suddenly it is 'You walk
ed ...' This time you keep past tense for three images before returning to present.
The first is completely off, the second occurrence could be like telling the overarching stuff in past, while now zooming into the story again and continuing from the point in time you were in that café.
But there is nothing indicating that kind of structure in your story, and at least for me it throws me off like hell when in a story there are such random changes in the used tense seemingly without reason.
Edit: OK, after the start of the café scene it seems to continue mostly in past all the time. I find that much better to read. Maybe change the very beginning to be all past too?
On the other hand, while I mostly like stories written in past tense better, I think I actually prefered the beginning written in present tense here. During the cafè scene, I was always thinking 'This would sound better/more natural if it was present.'^^
We seem to play from the MCs present perspective after all.
Besides that, you're adding little details and descriptions to the text creating a nice image and atmosphere.
It reads very well. I like it a lot.
Eagerly waiting for how it will continue.
