VN Ren'Py Savior [v0.16c] [Purple Fellas]

[RogueKnightUK]

The renders look very good, but just from the overview the Engrish has my head hurting as I had to reread not only each sentence, but break it into composite parts to attempt to follow what was trying to be said. When the overview, the short, easy to perfect text; and the text on which you depend to draw people into play is that offputting, that lacking in any attempt at polish and proofreading ... Well, I can guess how bad the rest must be, and wouldn't want to see it.

Seriously, a game's overview is like the cover of a book or movie, or the packaging of a product. It's what 'sells' the whole thing. It is really important to any game's success to make it as perfect as you possibly can. It is the first taste of your product. And this one tastes bloody awful.

Get a proofreader. Most other devs who are not native English-speakers have one (sometimes more than one), and for good reason. Until you have one, people like me won't care how good the images look, and people less fussy than I am will still hate the game, downrate it, and the ratings have a long term effect on the visibility and success of your game.

 

[Eerie Entity]

Thank you for all your comments and suggestions. The first thing I should mention, our native language is not English, we really tried so hard to doing writing part of the game good but we made lots of mistakes. Thank you so much for letting us know.

About dialogs and general writing. Me and my friend work as a two-man team all the decision we make always comes out from our agreement. We read all the comments and the result was; "Renders are really good, scenes are really good, but dialogues and writing are bad." We want to work on that part of the game a lot harder and that's why we need your opinions. Please tell us which part of the game you hate most and why? What would you like us to change about the game? We are open to any suggestions. Please let us know any grammar mistakes you find. This is only 0.1 version of the game so if we are gonna make some changes, now is the perfect time. We want to learn from our mistakes and correct them. We will work really hard on "Engrish" part of the game and we would happily accept any suggestion and help. If you want us to make some changes to characters such as "too much tattoo" please let us know. This forum and gaming community will be our biggest support. Thank you guy so much for showing interest in our game.

Well, I would wholeheartedly suggest that you'd drop the highly excessive use of "OMG" because people don't exactly say that when having a conversation with another person, that's something people type in chats, but don't actually use it in face-to-face conversations
Also, try to go for more natural responses, "What's wrong with my name you stupid whore!" isn't exactly a natural response, haha, but maybe that was supposed to be a funny line to make the readers laugh, so I'm not sure, but yeah, go for more naturally fluent dialogue

Other than that, great start, the art is really beautiful and the plot seem interesting, keep it up

 

[EverydaySanePsycho]

You both know damn well that by the N-word I mean NTR, Netorare to be specific, haha, I ain't no racist and you know it

Okay then let's keep this going, you've just created a new N word. Congratulations.

 

[Purple Fellas]

Well, I would wholeheartedly suggest that you'd drop the highly excessive use of "OMG" because people don't exactly say that when having a conversation with another person, that's something people type in chats, but don't actually use it in face-to-face conversations
Also, try to go for more natural responses, "What's wrong with my name you stupid whore!" isn't exactly a natural response, haha, but maybe that was supposed to be a funny line to make the readers laugh, so I'm not sure, but yeah, go for more naturally fluent dialogue

Other than that, great start, the art is really beautiful and the plot seem interesting, keep it up

Thank you so much. We were tried to be funny like you said but i guess we failed that part and general writing of the game . We will change the tone of the dialogues and try to make it more naturally fluent like you said.

 

[Eerie Entity]

Okay then let's keep this going, you've just created a new N word. Congratulations.

Nah I can't take credit for that, I'm just a copycat, I've seen ThunderRob use that way before I ever did, so give him the credit

 

[MCMXXI]

In what way? A disaster?

People are entitled to have different opinions or yours is above everyone's else?
Ofc there is room for improvement because nothing comes out perfectly at first try. So, yeah... I think it looks promising if you don't share that opinion it's not my problem.

 

[Eerie Entity]

Thank you so much. We were tried to funny like you said but i guess we failed that part and general writing of the game . We will change the tone of the dialogues and try to make it more naturally fluent like you said.

Don't get me wrong, I know a few people that sure did have great laughs while playing the game, I did too
I think overall you guys are off to a good start, dialogue just needs a little polishing, and of course typos need to be fixed, but none of that should be too hard to fix. But yeah, keep it up guys, think you might have something good going on here, I'll look forward to future updates

 

[Watsonholmes]

Can't say Netorare anymore? Awesome development

It's offensive to the poeple of Neotori 9

 

[MasterDk78]

Developer Notes: The first three version of the game will be public and free.

Wait.. uhm... Never mind

 

[xmilteach]

Thx..

 

[HorizonD]

What's with the game over thingy when you get her drunk and not get laid? What is, when I don't want her?

Making fun of each other is ok but sometimes it is way too much. The way how those conversations go... I skipped most of them...
And what's with the excessive use of the tattoos? Even the Mom has them (it looked this way, on her arm).
Tattoos are nice but maybe tone them down.

But the renders are nice.

 

[Purple Fellas]

What's with the game over thingy when you get her drunk and not get laid? What is, when I don't want her?

Making fun of each other is ok but sometimes it is way too much. The way how those conversations go... I skipped most of them...
And what's with the excessive use of the tattoos? Even the Mom has them (it looked this way, on her arm).
Tattoos are nice but maybe tone them down.

But the renders are nice.

Thank you so much. Most of the members pointed out same things and we will work on those mistakes.

 

[Purple Fellas]

the writing is bombastic crude and lacking..it needs polish proofreading and less anger..the renders on the other hand are stunning..beautiful animations...i find no fault in the artistic qualities of this game...work on that writing and this could be great

Thank you so much. We will work harder on writing and English part of the game. Please share us any mistakes you find or any suggestions you have.

 

[Purple Fellas]

The renders and animations look great but the Engrish is off the charts.
Really need to get a proofreader on this and make a 100% reduction in OMGs.
I don't know what to make of this. Some of the dialogue was cringy as fuck but I really enjoyed playing it.
I laughed a lot but mostly at parts I wasn't supposed to.
I recommend firing in and giving it a look, brightens up a slow update day.

We wanted to write funny dialogues but I think we over did it. About grammar mistakes. It would be huge help if you can point out our mistakes or give us some hints about how to make it better. Thank you so much for your comment.

 

[myuhinny]

Game has whole family 3 kids a mom and dad never mind dad is the first to go in the genric dad is gone - dead - ran off with the families goat- fucking wife's sister/sisters.

MC: OMG! Dad is gone!

ME: Of course he is being a dad is a very dangerous occupation in these games or very generic whichever you want to pick.

MOM: There is no but

MC: Then why did you say but then if there was no but?

Also Eric the dickless wonder didn't own that company he just worked there. So I edited it to and then suddenly this dickless wonder showed up with his money and stuff.

Needs a lot of proof reading to fix spelling errors like caffe which is suppose to be coffee as well as fixing up the dialog some. I used the find and replace to replace all in notepad to change all of the caffe with coffee in one click.

Animations were nice. Pity we didn't get to meet any of the other family members and I won't feel bad if his partner kicks his fucking ass as he's a grade a fucking douche from what I saw.

 

[Purple Fellas]

Game has whole family 3 kids a mom and dad never mind dad is the first to go in the genric dad is gone - dead - ran off with the families goat- fucking wife's sister/sisters.

MC: OMG! Dad is gone!

ME: Of course he is being a dad is a very dangerous occupation in these games or very generic whichever you want to pick.

MOM: There is no but

MC: Then why did you say but then if there was no but?

Also Eric the dickless wonder didn't own that company he just worked there as a lowly manager. So I edited it to and then suddenly this dickless wonder showed up with his money and stuff.

Needs a lot of proof reading to fix spelling errors like caffe which is suppose to be coffee as well as fixing up the dialog some. I used the find and replace to replace all in notepad to change all of the caffe with coffee in one click.

Animations were nice. Pity we didn't get to meet any of the other family members and I won't feel bad if his partner kicks his fucking ass as he's a grade a fucking douche from what I saw.

Thank you so much for your comment. We will work on writing and English part. As a first attempt, we made lots of mistakes and we aim to learn from them. So please point out

Game has whole family 3 kids a mom and dad never mind dad is the first to go in the genric dad is gone - dead - ran off with the families goat- fucking wife's sister/sisters.

MC: OMG! Dad is gone!

ME: Of course he is being a dad is a very dangerous occupation in these games or very generic whichever you want to pick.

MOM: There is no but

MC: Then why did you say but then if there was no but?

Also Eric the dickless wonder didn't own that company he just worked there. So I edited it to and then suddenly this dickless wonder showed up with his money and stuff.

Needs a lot of proof reading to fix spelling errors like caffe which is suppose to be coffee as well as fixing up the dialog some. I used the find and replace to replace all in notepad to change all of the caffe with coffee in one click.

Animations were nice. Pity we didn't get to meet any of the other family members and I won't feel bad if his partner kicks his fucking ass as he's a grade a fucking douche from what I saw.

Thank you so much for your comment. We will work on writing and English part. As a first attempt, we made mistakes and we are aim to learn from them. So please point out any mistakes you find or share any opinion you have to make this game better.

 

[Purple Fellas]

Quite a good start, yeah writing could take some work and it is quite short, but something to look forward to.

Thank you so much

 

[Wicked Garden]

Disgusting. Just imagine over 30 years (I wont be around or making an entry in the Guinness Book of Records) Those shrivelled up tats? There will be a lot of ugly people all blue. The only colour that remains.

To each it's own, I really don't have issues with chicks with Tats. Some are sexy as hell, specifically the Ashley character from Halfway House. Besides it's THEIR BODIES why would care what someone does to their own body ?

 

[Purple Fellas]

Models are hot. Looking forward to this.
Navigation is wonky. Please add a nav bar to the side so that we dont have to constantly click to open it to go somewhere.

Also, early morning trying to go to the living room I get this:
```
I'm sorry, but an uncaught exception occurred.

While running game code:
File "game/script.rpy", line 27, in script call
call limbo from _call_limbo
File "game/script.rpy", line 34, in script call
""
File "game/mysc.rpy", line 1081, in script
jump yoga
ScriptError: could not find label 'yoga'.

-- Full Traceback ------------------------------------------------------------

Full traceback:
File "game/script.rpy", line 27, in script call
call limbo from _call_limbo
File "game/script.rpy", line 34, in script call
""
File "game/mysc.rpy", line 1081, in script
jump yoga
File "C:\Users\Greg\Downloads\DearDiary-0.1.4-pc\renpy\ast.py", line 1692, in execute
rv = renpy.game.script.lookup(target)
File "C:\Users\Greg\Downloads\DearDiary-0.1.4-pc\renpy\script.py", line 891, in lookup
raise ScriptError("could not find label '%s'." % str(original))
ScriptError: could not find label 'yoga'.

Windows-8-6.2.9200
Ren'Py 7.3.0.108
Dear Diary 0.1.4
Mon Nov 11 14:43:00 2019
```

I think this is not right thread

 

[ukhustlas]

This is why the worlds streets are infested with crime.....Too busy scribbling whilst eating donuts