I will say, this is not at all what came across from the game's previous or current iteration. "Player Stats", "Inventory", "Spells"...everything about it screams RPG,
especially your statements regarding the MC being a blank slate for the player to make personality-defining decisions on. I'll also warn you, having players define and carefully craft the MC, deciding their actions and interests, only for them to be killed and the story carry on is most likely going to be upsetting - it could play as some "bad end", but I generally think bad ends should be fluid and allow players to work their way out of it. I actually think you may be better off treating this as an RPG if you want the player to affect it to the extent it sounds like. The more you can define the character, the more "role-playing" comes into the picture.
In terms of the player making choices for other characters, it really does depend on how you're trying to portray the story. Swapping perspectives and making decisions turns the player into an omniscient, albeit limited, God. This could become frustrating, "I was just able to make this character do this, why can I not make them do that."
It's also the case that rather than swapping perspectives and directly making decisions, you can more immersively have the player
influence other characters on the decisions they make. For instance, you have two glasses of water, A and B. You can swap to Margerie and choose which she takes, OR you could present the player the option to tell her to take A or B. She then takes the opposite, because she would.
If you want the player to control the main character, you're making a "Game", but if you want them to make a handful of decisions that alter the narrative, you're making a "Choose your own adventure." My impression on everything but this quoted statement is the former.
My opinion is that the tone set with the prelude and the tone set with the beginning of the story are and should be vastly different. The prelude features torture, cannibalism, a cult...the story introduction features...torture (bills), cannibalism (capitalism), a cult (class warfare)...but like, more metaphorical. That joke aside because I had to make it, the introduction features the player learning about magic - it's bright, fantastical, promising. At this point the MC has suffered poverty and learned of this power that could change their status. They're vastly different and I believe the active tone should shift with events - there are clearly going to be dark moments, but they need to be played into.
The biggest obstacle with displaying the prelude at the opening of the box would be that it is
very long winded for this section. Rather than
telling the player in this manner, I would
show it. Flashes - visions - sounds - two voices pounding in your head- a man in chains - a body engorged - his fellow newly enwreathed in cloth. The player and character would then connect these images to the world's history as they learn about it. Read a text about a snake dude who liked eating people? Maybe that's the fucker from the vision, who knows?
I know nothing about the magic system except what has been given in the apprenticeship section, so I don't know really what the rules are. I'd expect if the illusion of words can be displayed from the box, images could as well, but I actually think screw the magic - the visions should be a consequence of the parasi - err - "goddesses" possessing you. Percy was presumably their last host, making the assumption they were the voices arguing in his head, his last moments and what followed may then be transferred to you.
I made this statement with the belief that an RPG was your intent, in which case second-person was in almost every way a better option. If you're going the other way, then third-person is likely better. To be honest though, I'm really having a hard time wrapping my head around that.
1. I agree on this, second-person is rarely published because of the limited scope of a book, you cannot have the reader choose to go down nearly as many paths as it would take to insert them into the tale.
2. Potentially. Keep in mind character-hopping is generally the easiest but not always the best way to convey information.
3. This I disagree with strongly. From a third-person perspective, you are
told about the world, from a second-person, you are
immersed in the world. The advantage in world-building with third-person
is character hopping, it allows for more viewpoints, opinions, thoughts - information, essentially. You can tell the reader
more, but second-person allows them to
interact with it. Both have their advantages, but from a reader engagement standpoint, I believe second-person does the job far better. The reason you don't see many second-person novels is, as I said with (1), it's not really possible in the form of classic literature. Thankfully, computers make it possible, and RPGs have ended up being the primary medium for it.
Something I would actually recommend for this is working with AI. It's not going to be perfect, but you can write a passage, ask ChatGPT to translate it to second/third person, and see how they flow in comparison. It could save a lot of time.
This goes back to what I was saying with the visions and prelude, somewhat, but there are a lot of ways to make it clear to the reader that the family's financial situation is unreliable without clearly saying it. Maybe the lights flicker occasionally, you have to triple-check all three locks on the door given the crime in the area, you share a room with your brother (male protag) or sister (female protag) or dog (other protag [this was a joke please don't report me to Twitter]). Allow the reader to garner as much information as possible from the environment before clearly telling them the situation. This is another advantage that immersing the player in the environment has.
I don't think this will be too helpful since it sounds like you plan on rewriting this entire section, but this is actually very easy to address for this line in-particular, "Kai breathed a sigh of relief. That uncomfortable topic would wait for another time. She was a bit too old to be hearing about that, anyway." because let's be honest, what 18 year old
doesn't know about sex?...of course, I'm literally typing a comment on an adult game site, maybe I'm not the best sample for how people grow up. Still, I think dynamic lines would be better to help show consequences to player decisions.
I already sort of commented on this to a certain extent, but I want to clarify that when I say the MC is "inconsistent", I mean their behaviour. They can be apprehensive one moment, then boisterous with Margerie the next. I actually think they're not very blank at all, they seem to morph into different people at a moment's notice, but it definitely does feel stiff.
I think of it as "What is the most logical way the MC would respond to this situation?" They were just thrust into the world of magic. If Dahlia is kind to them, they'd likely be apprehensively kind back. Margerie acts self-important? They don't quite understand why, maybe don't risk it (Margerie in particular is a complicated case, if she comes across as clearly wealthy the MC should be especially wary of her given their own family's finances.)
I assume they're both. They're goddesses, of some sort, but they quite clearly have ulterior motives - yet why would they interfere in something that doesn't much matter? For instance, Azrael's illusion, they both tell you you're safe, but if their host isn't in danger, why intervene? The only possibility is to gain your trust, but is this the motivation of both goddesses? Their constant presence makes them feel less like "goddesses" and more like termites in your roof.
I think that's the issue, it doesn't really serve any of those purposes. Your opportunity to learn magi culture is almost absent given the limited number of people you interact with. The most you get is Azrael simping for "God".
The magic system is given a very brief explanation regarding vitality, essence, the blind, and sinners, but not really any of the details I'd expect to be given to an
apprentice, so you effectively enter as a Charmer with barely any more knowledge than you had when you opened the box. The biggest problem for the magic system is that right after you cast "water bullet" (that is, the two variations the goddesses give you), Azrael says it's enough to become a Charmer, and then your training...pretty much ends? The only other real magical instances are Azrael's illusion to test you, and when you wake up in the middle of the fire (I'm not a big fan of that bit, it doesn't give you any information other than "Something wacky is going on." which you already know at this point - it does have the potential effect of increasing Azrael's suspicion of you, but he's already at max - it has the negative effect of convicing the player the goddesses intend to possess them, making them seem far less cunning or powerful [Note, I don't know if this still occurs if you choose Hemera for the "water bullet", I'd expect not but I always chose the goth girl since I'm
way more interested in personal gain and power than
helping things]).
Your interactions with the characters are very limited, the only one I felt I got a serious handle on was Azrael. The other four? Not really. Margerie and Dahlia are both very straightfoward, as I think they should be at this point, but I felt like I simply exchanged pleasantries with...well, Dahlia at least, and banter with Margerie. The brothers not at all.
It's not particularly original to do this, but you may want to force those applying for promotion to work together in some way, giving the excuse of it being a display of their understanding of what they've been taught. A short quest - solve puzzles in the woods, battle an illusion Azrael created, just
something that forces a deeper interaction for those moving forward.
Another thing I want to mention is how you go about writing it, that is, going back and redoing sections after writing later sections. It's an inherent difference in our working order, I prefer a waterfall workflow - I won't move on until I feel something is
right. That's not always the best approach, so this is by no means a criticism of your method, but I do want to caution you that doing it like that can lead to oversights. You can write something based on one thing, change that one thing, and forget to alter the writing for that, so do be careful.
In that case, you did - though I will add that rather than "uncertainty", I felt "hostility" towards them.
During the "water bullet" training session, the goddesses appear in the MC's mind. You choose one, and what spell you actually cast changes based on this. For Hemera, it heals the wood that was damaged by the water bullets of the other apprentices, for Achlys, it erupts into (presumably) a fireball - you character doesn't come to and see the effect until after it is cast, so it can't be said definitively.
Well, yes, they're parasites, but "goddesses" can still be parasitic, so it works.
I think it serves as a stellar introduction to the two, and I feel like it should really be the only interaction you receive with them at this point. Assuming alignment is in-fact flexible, then I have no issues with this choice being required here, it simply felt weird since I believe I only heard from Achlys afterwards.
I thought you would given our previous interaction, but I offer that disclaimer out of respect - and also because people get angry at me a lot for being uncompromising.
I find it very funny you say this. I can see a pretty clear influence of Brandon Sanderson with your "prelude", but I have a mixed opinion of him. The worlds he creates are extraordinary, incredibly interesting and vast - even if the actual worldbuilding for the reader doesn't always get it across. But his characters can sometimes be... Have you read his "Stormlight Archive"? Incredibly cool world, amazing elements to it...I can't believe he turned Kaladin and Adolin into one-dimensional simps. I have a massive amount of respect for the lore he creates, but man do I feel like he overstays his welcome in some ways.
Less frustrating and more confusing, I'd say.
However, that's one of the advantages of two things you have going on here:
- Presenting your writing as a "game" will increase engagement, people are far more willing to read through something again for new content if it's a game they can interact and make choices with.
- It's a game with smut. People on this site will do
anything for smut.
So allowing people to "play your game" is going to lead to greater amounts of feedback than just publishing it as say, a webnovel.
At the same time, since your intent is publishment, I do want to bring up a few obstacles this could introduce:
- Let's be honest, you're going to have to cut pretty much all the smut stuff. This would most likely aim towards more of a "Young Adult" fantasy book, so that's probably not going to fly too well.
- As mentioned with the issues of second-person, player choice, and classic literary forms, a published novel is not going to be able to contain a variety of different routes for the reader. You will end up having to pick and choose your plot.
With those things said, I'm going to make a bold suggestion. I think you should treat this as a "game" with RPG elements. Add paths for the players, add characters, lore and stories for them to engage with. Treat it as an opportunity to build your world with endless possibilities, and
then, taking all that and what you've learned, cut it down to the story you want to submit. Any way you do this, you're going to have to rewrite a
lot if you want to transform it from an open adult experience to a published novel.
Lastly, I'd like to recommend two stories that I think may be helpful to you:
- The "Brotherband Chronicles" series by John Flanagan, specifically the first book "The Outcasts", I think it could provide good reference material for the apprentice section of the game.
- "Magium", it's a mobile, text-based RPG. The lore and writing of it is for the most part very, very good, and I think it does a lot of stuff well that you're trying to do here. It might be worth a look, though it is far smaller in scope than your intents.
