VN Ren'Py Abandoned The Falling Reloaded [Ch. 6] [WhiteBear]

[-CookieMonster666-]

White_Bear, I'm enjoying the game so far. I find the story intriguing; changing a demon into a shadow creature and having Nyx' life linked directly to the MC's both were unexpected turns. Might I make a few small suggestions?

• Sometimes the text is harder to read on the background images; if there is a really bright (especially white) background, the white text is hard (nearly impossible) to read. If you add something like who_outlines=[ (2, "#000") ] and what_outlines=[ (2, "#000") ] to all of the character objects, the text becomes fully readable throughout. rambo455 pointed out that there is a dialogue background slider in Preferences, which is good; I would suggest defaulting it to 100%, since it still won't be very dark at maximum, and having it at 0% causes the problem I've mentioned.
• Currently, you don't have a default name for the MC, so it's possible to have an empty string as the value. I would suggest having a default name so if someone hits Enter the protagonist at least has something for the name.
• There are some places where you automatically fade in timed intervals between the end of a scene and a superimposition ("1 week later" or a similar screen). There are other places where you have to click to continue. I would keep this consistent throughout the VN.
• Since the title screen and many places throughout the VN don't have music, when you use it the music stands out. This is a very good thing. Because it stands out, though, I would suggest controlling the volume levels through the code so they don't always enter at 100. You can more subtly start a theme if you feel it's appropriate. I believe you should be able to use renpy.music.set_volume with these parameters within parentheses: volume (between 0.0 and 1.0); delay (often 0 is best); and channel (such as u'music'). This code will not affect the Preferences slider setting; the volume parameter is in relation to the volume slider for music, as a decimal representation of a percentage of the slider's current setting.

Anyway, just some suggestions for quality-of-life updates you might consider.

 

[rambo455]

White_Bear, I'm enjoying the game so far. I find the story intriguing; changing a demon into a shadow creature and having Nyx' life linked directly to the MC's both were unexpected turns. Might I make a few small suggestions?

• Sometimes the text is harder to read on the background images; if there is a really bright (especially white) background, the white text is hard (nearly impossible) to read. If you add something like who_outlines=[ (2, "#000") ] and what_outlines=[ (2, "#000") ] to all of the character objects, the text becomes fully readable throughout. Alternately, you could use an opaque dialogue box so there's always a contrasting dark shade behind the white.

Anyway, just some suggestions for quality-of-life updates you might consider.

you can set the text box transparency so there will be a gray transparent text box makes it easy to read. as for the game itself its good but get some translators and proof readers. some of the sentences really don't make much sense as if there are big translation errors like they being turned into he or simply kreon turned into creon. i know the game is really early in its development but its a good thing to keep in mind if you can find the people to do that for you. other than that keep it up. though an option to quite the game while in full screen would be appreciated

 

[-CookieMonster666-]

you can set the text box transparency so there will be a gray transparent text box makes it easy to read. as for the game itself its good but get some translators and proof readers. some of the sentences really don't make much sense as if there are big translation errors like they being turned into he or simply kreon turned into creon. i know the game is really early in its development but its a good thing to keep in mind if you can find the people to do that for you. other than that keep it up. though an option to quite the game while in full screen would be appreciated

Thanks; I hadn't realized that. I've edited my post above. I do still think at least setting that to 100% by default would be better.

 

[rambo455]

Thanks; I hadn't realized that. I've edited my post above. I do still think at least setting that to 100% by default would be better.

same. just like the transition black screens with words on them might need to be a bit longer for the slower readers (or adjustable) but in the end it needs to be only 1 language on those screens instead of both english or turkish. again minor tweaks for later. for now the game has a lot of promise. though its difficult to read when he she and they are basically used as if they mean the same. (also just as a tip as its a simple translation error, but you're welcome is not something often used when getting ordered to do something. will do, on it or yes sir would work way better)

 

[corey peters]

Loved the game so far. It has a very captivating story. I hate the mom and sis, can't believe they expect affection from us after all that has happened. And the first time I lay my eyes on Nyks next time, I am killing her. I just want Inessa to come back, she was the only one that really and truly cared for us. Please bring her back. Other than that, it is an awesome game. Would recommend at-least one playhrough.

 

[Widowolfspider]

Love the story Keep it up I'm invested so can't wait for the next update.

Loved the game so far. It has a very captivating story. I hate the mom and sis, can't believe they expect affection from us after all that has happened. And the first time I lay my eyes on Nyks next time, I am killing her. I just want Inessa to come back, she was the only one that really and truly cared for us. Please bring her back. Other than that, it is an awesome game. Would recommend at-least one playhrough.

I'm with you man HEY BRO I KNOW YOU LITTERLLY WERE TORTURED ON DADS ORDERS. But you still love us right? no we didn't help why would we... What your mad!?

 

[rambo455]

Love the story Keep it up I'm invested so can't wait for the next update.

I'm with you man HEY BRO I KNOW YOU LITTERLLY WERE TORTURED ON DADS ORDERS. But you still love us right? no we didn't help why would we... What your mad!?

honestly i was expecting an option for you to just kill everyone around you. hey new girl from my past *splash* now its only a puddle of blood

 

[AnyName'llDo]

Engaging story so far. I agree with the people saying Inessa was the one viable love interest.

 

[restlez]

I don't think Inessa will disappear from the rest of the story. Either she will be revived, needs saving from some torturous prison or transformation or will be a constant figment of his imagination going forwards.

I like the refreshing use of different imaginary characters to reflect mc's psyche.

I have an inkling of where author might be going with the yet to revealed full backstory, might need better translation into english to prevent misunderstanding motivations through the bits of dialogue that is carefully dripped to the effect of a slow mystery in that area. Someone good in both turkish and english would be great but someone really good in english could also pull it off for polishing the english bit you have done. Just have to instruct them on the kind particular atmosphere, for each scene and character motivations you want to portray.

I am looking forward to the next update to this game!

 

[chooter]

Can anyone please help
the game open for like a split second black screen then close
Here the log file

Fri Dec 24 15:39:37 2021
Windows-7-6.1.7601
Ren'Py 7.4.5.1648


Bootstrap to the start of init.init took 0.10s
Early init took 0.00s
Loader init took 0.02s
Loading error handling took 0.04s
Loading script took 0.49s
Loading save slot metadata. took 0.01s
Loading persistent took 0.00s
Importing _renpysteam: ImportError('No module named _renpysteam',)
Set script version to: (7, 4, 5)
Running init code took 0.13s
Loading analysis data took 0.02s
Analyze and compile ATL took 0.00s
Index archives took 0.00s
Dump and make backups. took 0.00s
Cleaning cache took 0.00s
Making clean stores took 0.00s
Initial gc. took 0.03s
DPI scale factor: 1.000000
nvdrs: Loaded, about to disable thread optimizations.
nvdrs: 'DRS_CreateSession() = -1.' (can be ignored)
Creating interface object took 0.01s
Cleaning stores took 0.00s
Init translation took 0.04s
Build styles took 0.01s
Load screen analysis took 0.00s
Analyze screens took 0.01s
Save screen analysis took 0.07s
Prepare screens took 0.05s
Save pyanalysis. took 0.00s
Save bytecode. took 0.00s
Running _start took 0.00s
Performance test:
Interface start took 0.38s

Initializing gl2 renderer:
primary display bounds: (0, 0, 1920, 1080)
swap interval: 1 frames
Windowed mode.

 

[Bedlamh]

The pacing is all over the place and the English translations are bad. Simple as that. A cool concept, probably the best part of this VN is the concept. The translations may contribute to the pacing feeling too fast and all over the place/erratic as it is hard to autocorrect while also reading. More than often I found myself having to just guess what was trying to be said.

Pacing of the dialogue also needs work. Some things shouldn't be part of the same sentence, instead should be a whole new sentence. Dialogue placement basically needs work.

Finally grammar/spelling/etc need a lot of work as well.

P.s. Maybe add the Incest tag as it HEAVILY seems to imply that.

 

[-CookieMonster666-]

The pacing is all over the place and the English translations are bad. Simple as that. A cool concept, probably the best part of this VN is the concept. The translations may contribute to the pacing feeling too fast and all over the place/erratic as it is hard to autocorrect while also reading. More than often I found myself having to just guess what was trying to be said.

Pacing of the dialogue also needs work. Some things shouldn't be part of the same sentence, instead should be a whole new sentence. Dialogue placement basically needs work.

Finally grammar/spelling/etc need a lot of work as well.

P.s. Maybe add the Incest tag as it HEAVILY seems to imply that.

I disagree with your assessment. But, of course, just as I'm entitled to my own opinion on the matter, you are also entitled to your own.

As with almost every story ever created, pacing changes at different points, depending on the feel of the scene. When the MC was initially in hell, it felt pretty slow to me despite the MC killing his captor and becoming the next ruler of the kingdom. The place being attacked and conquered was fast-paced, which felt correct to me, including the time directly following, when the MC taught his enemies a lesson. Then, because there was no need for continued action pacing (warring between factions was over), things slowed down considerably. This is what I would expect in any novel, play, or short story. To me, then, the pacing was fine: nothing felt too rushed or too slow to me at the points where things changed.

It's been some time now, but I don't remember ever thinking the English was terrible. I would say it could definitely use some proofreading, but no more so than a lot of games on F95.

 

[Bedlamh]

I disagree with your assessment. But, of course, just as I'm entitled to my own opinion on the matter, you are also entitled to your own.

As with almost every story ever created, pacing changes at different points, depending on the feel of the scene. When the MC was initially in hell, it felt pretty slow to me despite the MC killing his captor and becoming the next ruler of the kingdom. The place being attacked and conquered was fast-paced, which felt correct to me, including the time directly following, when the MC taught his enemies a lesson. Then, because there was no need for continued action pacing (warring between factions was over), things slowed down considerably. This is what I would expect in any novel, play, or short story. To me, then, the pacing was fine: nothing felt too rushed or too slow to me at the points where things changed.

It's been some time now, but I don't remember ever thinking the English was terrible. I would say it could definitely use some proofreading, but no more so than a lot of games on F95.

Whether you like it or not is like you said your own opinion. Same with what I said, and like you I stand by that. But saying the translations were not bad or any worse than others doesn't say much. Compare this to these: [Being A Dik, Leap Of Faith, Summers Gone, Become A Rockstar, Intertwined, Artemis, The Bite Revenant, and more] (Though just naming a few), and this is most definitely low quality.

Also, it's not hard to find bad quality translations with visual novels, and it is "normal" or "no more so than others" because MOST visual novels ARE bad quality for various reasons, not just because of the translations. So aside from the first two points, I completely disagree on the translations for this SPECIFIC VN.

Yes it is my opinion, and you also disagree, but compared to where I came from (The novels I listed, and more I didn't list) this is indeed bad translations.

P.s. Saying every other stories pacing changes as certain points literally proves nothing. That is a matter of fact. But that doesn't mean books, novels, NV, games, movies, etc have never had or can't have bad pacing. PLENTY of every source of content has failed or been rated bad/etc because of bad pacing alone.

But how you felt about it is a fair point because that is what you thought. We just differ on our thoughts. Clearly we're going to have to agree to disagree and move on lol.

 

[-CookieMonster666-]

Whether you like it or not is like you said your own opinion. Same with what I said, and like you I stand by that. But saying the translations were not bad or any worse than others doesn't say much. Compare this to these: [Being A Dik, Leap Of Faith, Summers Gone, Become A Rockstar, Intertwined, Artemis, The Bite Revenant, and more] (Though just naming a few), and this is most definitely low quality.

Also, it's not hard to find bad quality translations with visual novels, and it is "normal" or "no more so than others" because MOST visual novels ARE bad quality for various reasons, not just because of the translations. So aside from the first two points, I completely disagree on the translations for this SPECIFIC VN.

Yes it is my opinion, and you also disagree, but compared to where I came from (The novels I listed, and more I didn't list) this is indeed bad translations.

I don't know all of the games you reference, but for the developers of at least a few of those games, English is their first language. I never said there couldn't be improvement, but it doesn't make sense to compare those who natively speak English with those who don't. If you're so down on the English used, maybe you should volunteer to proofread the English for Whitebear so it can be better in the future. Although, be careful about glass houses: I've seen plenty of mistakes in your own posts on this very game.

P.s. Saying every other stories pacing changes as certain points literally proves nothing. That is a matter of fact. But that doesn't mean books, novels, NV, games, movies, etc have never had or can't have bad pacing. PLENTY of every source of content has failed or been rated bad/etc because of bad pacing alone.

I never said there are no other examples of poor pacing in other works. Of course there are. However, I've already cited why I believe the pacing is fine as it is, so I will say no more. You think I'm wrong, and I think you're wrong.

But how you felt about it is a fair point because that is what you thought. We just differ on our thoughts. Clearly we're going to have to agree to disagree and move on lol.

Yes, that sounds like a good idea.

 

[Bedlamh]

I don't know all of the games you reference, but for the developers of at least a few of those games, English is their first language. I never said there couldn't be improvement, but it doesn't make sense to compare those who natively speak English with those who don't. If you're so down on the English used, maybe you should volunteer to proofread the English for Whitebear so it can be better in the future. Although, be careful about glass houses: I've seen plenty of mistakes in your own posts on this very game.

I never said there are no other examples of poor pacing in other works. Of course there are. However, I've already cited why I believe the pacing is fine as it is, so I will say no more. You think I'm wrong, and I think you're wrong.

Yes, that sounds like a good idea.

I honestly thought about it, proofreading. But I wouldn't want to be spoiled on the story before reading it. And in its current state I wouldn't actually know what was honestly meant to be said.

As far as my own mistakes go, taking a jab at it is kind of low. But taking that point into account, I am also not trying to create content to be sold with my own writing. And my own writing is still easier to understand than the writing in this novel.

Finally, if something is being released in a certain language it should only be done when the creator or the "proofreaders" at the very least understand the language enough to accurately translate correctly. It doesn't have to be perfect like the ones I mentioned, but it should at the very least be decent to good, which this falls very short of in my opinion.

I plan to reread this at some point assuming these problems get addressed, and I did read what was available now. Just personally not happy with the quality this moment.

I do believe you should check out the I mentioned though, as they are pretty good. (Been creating a list of novels I enjoyed if you are interested).

 

[Jams7900]

I posted my efforts on proofreading back on page 5 and if Whitebear wants any more help I'm more than willing.

 

[restlez]

I posted my efforts on proofreading back on page 5 and if Whitebear wants any more help I'm more than willing.

White_Bear I agree that proofreading should help make the story so far more enjoyable. Do seriously consider it.

 

[DontCareWhatYouCallMe]

P.s. Maybe add the Incest tag as it HEAVILY seems to imply that.

Tags are for existing content not for possible upcoming content.

 

[Bedlamh]

Tags are for existing content not for possible upcoming content.

Pretty sure there is a planned tags option...

 

[-CookieMonster666-]

Pretty sure there is a planned tags option...

Yes, added to the OP, typically under Developer Notes. What shows up at the top of a thread, however, is for existing tags and not just those planned.