- Oct 15, 2016
- 1,934
- 3,048
Agreed. Also, FFS, STOP with the "full first & last name" references. No one in my family uses my full name unless I was in trouble as as kid, yet in the story so far it's been used at least a dozen times and that's just in the initial dialogue.Just a minor critique, the dialogue feels stiff. It's hard to quantify, because it's really just a lot of minor things which when combined stick out as unusual. One specific example that comes to mind is early on when Mary says "we females like to get complimented." Even though nothing is wrong grammatically with the statement, people don't tend to talk that way in casual conversation, so it ends up reading kind of strange. A good habit to get into when you're writing is reading everything out loud, and then listening to it read back to you. And if you've got some basic audio recording software, you can kill two birds with one stone.
Is the 'family' trying very hard to prove it's a family, or what? Real families don't use surnames among themselves unless it's usually a parent scolding a child.