When writing a story, there is an obsession that inexperienced authors have : no restraints, they want to show off. Too much informations, too much explanations... emphasized by a technical overload - too many gimmicks and gadgets.
Storywise, you want to give your story a sense of gravity and tension but everything feels numb because :
- Your ideas follow pretty common tropes (thematic issues about unfairness, rebellion against the unfair order, the filial love as the protagonist's motivations) with a lot of typical figures (That is your game's motto - you even added the "asshole schoolmate" character to your story -). Alright. Following tropes is not a mistake by itself.
- What is is you are not subtle about it. You actually splash us with a whole bucket of pathos. The dialogues are too affected and the situations feel as unreal and unnatural as archetypal and expected.
When you see an overdressed guy, you never say that he is well dressed. You may say that "he made an effort to dress well" or "he did his best to look good". And that is a huge difference.
On a more "positive" note : those things I said can be applied to a vast majority of visual novels. We can only wonder, in regard of the result, if a story-oriented reboot was necessary ? Maybe, maybe not. But you should keep on with what you have in mind. It is displeasing to follow a story that has been denatured by the meddling of an author's ideas with the people's opinions - and I'm talking about opinions, not critics.
