- Thread starter N7
- Start date
Renders are just fine plus intro is pretty good, but you need to step your game up a bit in storytelling.
Just a couple of hints which can be useful.
First: Some kind of mafia, Traficos or whatever their name is used to kill MC's parents and other characters which our hero has connection to. I do hope that your antagonists will get way better description than "just another bad guy because his motivation is to be bad and kill everyone so don't root for him".
Secondary: if you want to get some kind of feelings from viewer/player to some character, just show how important that person was to MC etc. For example: when CJ arrives home in intro of GTA SA we hear flashbacks of his mom in his head. When Maximus' family is killed in Gladiator we do feel something because we've seen how great it's been and how prtagonist relates to them. Some kind of flashback to early days would fit in there well, so that the whole dramatic turnover [SPOILER AHEAD] that mom is alive would've felt like something important and not like "Meh, another female character to fuck in this game".
Also, dialogues. Jumping over subjects too fast. One moment ago you were talking about how life's changed with your Mom's friend, 15 minutes later you discuss the plan of revenge. Just a moment ago Kendra was telling "What kind of revenge? Are you insane?" , and here again...we switch to "Let's fuck 'em up, whatever". Speaking of revenge...again, to give for your player motivation and get some emotions/relatable stuff to MC you must show why you want to get revenge. Why should I feel like MC does? A couple of words like "Mum died cuz of them" is not enough. Example: Harry Potter wants to have his revenge on Voldemort through the whole HP series because he lost his parents due to actions of Voldemort BUT we also see details how it happened and find out why that guy is such a bastard. So now we can relate to Harry and his hatred towards Voldemort.
Maybe I'm a bit too harsh, that's just a porn game at the end of the day but it's still great to find gems like "Acting Lessons" in here. There's a room for improvement here, big potential though.
Just a couple of hints which can be useful.
First: Some kind of mafia, Traficos or whatever their name is used to kill MC's parents and other characters which our hero has connection to. I do hope that your antagonists will get way better description than "just another bad guy because his motivation is to be bad and kill everyone so don't root for him".
Secondary: if you want to get some kind of feelings from viewer/player to some character, just show how important that person was to MC etc. For example: when CJ arrives home in intro of GTA SA we hear flashbacks of his mom in his head. When Maximus' family is killed in Gladiator we do feel something because we've seen how great it's been and how prtagonist relates to them. Some kind of flashback to early days would fit in there well, so that the whole dramatic turnover [SPOILER AHEAD] that mom is alive would've felt like something important and not like "Meh, another female character to fuck in this game".
Also, dialogues. Jumping over subjects too fast. One moment ago you were talking about how life's changed with your Mom's friend, 15 minutes later you discuss the plan of revenge. Just a moment ago Kendra was telling "What kind of revenge? Are you insane?" , and here again...we switch to "Let's fuck 'em up, whatever". Speaking of revenge...again, to give for your player motivation and get some emotions/relatable stuff to MC you must show why you want to get revenge. Why should I feel like MC does? A couple of words like "Mum died cuz of them" is not enough. Example: Harry Potter wants to have his revenge on Voldemort through the whole HP series because he lost his parents due to actions of Voldemort BUT we also see details how it happened and find out why that guy is such a bastard. So now we can relate to Harry and his hatred towards Voldemort.
Maybe I'm a bit too harsh, that's just a porn game at the end of the day but it's still great to find gems like "Acting Lessons" in here. There's a room for improvement here, big potential though.
- Oct 18, 2016
- 414
- 875
- Aug 21, 2018
- 2,181
- 3,568
Its a solid meh. Not bad, but the engrish is strong in this and the writing as a whole lacks like @ScrewMe already pointed out.
And maybe change the *emotions* to the start of a sentence.
*crying* I.. I.. I am s-s-so sorry!
Now we read a line and only get the info after we red it ... makes no sense ^^
Needs a lot of work but it is still a solid start. To write good characters and dialog is a really hard task.
And maybe change the *emotions* to the start of a sentence.
*crying* I.. I.. I am s-s-so sorry!
Now we read a line and only get the info after we red it ... makes no sense ^^
Needs a lot of work but it is still a solid start. To write good characters and dialog is a really hard task.
- Jun 10, 2017
- 35
- 10
- Oct 30, 2017
- 324
- 821
You must be registered to see the links
90% done on latest update
Finally there's light at the end of the tunnel
- Apr 3, 2018
- 700
- 875
- Apr 5, 2017
- 1,886
- 113,994
- Aug 9, 2017
- 73
- 23
- May 3, 2017
- 537
- 910
well i souldn't complain BUT this update was super short, was expecting a much larger update... the plot twist at the end was good but still way too shot given the time since the last update... again i know i got no right to complain but seriously
P.S. should add the tags "horror" and "scifi"
P.S. should add the tags "horror" and "scifi"
