- Jun 12, 2017
- 10,252
- 135,807
- Thread starter Rodrigoofb
- Start date
The work is no issue for me, I mainly wanted to get out a rough draft to get feedback, that will help me make it as good as I can. In the process of a title screen now. Note this is just an early development pre amble. Not looking to release a full version until chapter 1 is finished.
ok, fair enough. don't mean to be mean. I like mind control elements too, just hoping your game does well. peace.
It's all good, whole reason for me posting now is to get honest feedback, keep it coming.
- Jul 31, 2017
- 1,563
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Honestly? Wasn't that great. I mean, not too bad, but just not good.
First off, you should just make the MC 18. Cause currently, he is underage, and you have him involved in a sex scene. That is not allowed here and will get your game deleted/banned unless it is changed.
As for the game in general...
Too wordy in a sense. It's a visual novel, emphasis on the visual aspect. You're explaining things happening, yet none of the images are reflecting any of that happening. You just go on these long narrations/conversations about things, yet the images stay the same and don't reflect what you say is happening.
So, yeah. Not my cup of tea sadly. Needs a lot of work. Things just don't flow well. Still, wish you the best of luck with this and thanks.
First off, you should just make the MC 18. Cause currently, he is underage, and you have him involved in a sex scene. That is not allowed here and will get your game deleted/banned unless it is changed.
As for the game in general...
Too wordy in a sense. It's a visual novel, emphasis on the visual aspect. You're explaining things happening, yet none of the images are reflecting any of that happening. You just go on these long narrations/conversations about things, yet the images stay the same and don't reflect what you say is happening.
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So, yeah. Not my cup of tea sadly. Needs a lot of work. Things just don't flow well. Still, wish you the best of luck with this and thanks.
Didn't play this, I will wait for one more update b4 doing so. The game seems interesting though. I hope we"ll have some badass fights.
This goes into my watchlist
THX
This goes into my watchlist
THX
Oh maaaaan, I actually hate this. Why does it always have to be the games with concepts I love... RIP I will follow it though who know maybe dev/s will actually listen to the community and get better.
THX
- May 4, 2017
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- Mar 23, 2018
- 1,177
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- May 24, 2021
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I don't want to be very critical when a game first pops up, but please note this is constructive criticism and not a personal jab at you, but you need a lot of work if you want this game to become successful.
There's forced content and seems that will be a thing regardless, and despite being a lesbian and that it might be weird to complain about this, I like being in control of what's going on and with whom when it comes to sexual content, period. The renders look nice, and the women look attractive, the writing is really where you need to focus on and maybe even redo this. It feels extremely rushed despite basically being a teaser release and not a full initial release, and felt like you're giving context to things not going on to set up future content which rather confused me.
There's forced content and seems that will be a thing regardless, and despite being a lesbian and that it might be weird to complain about this, I like being in control of what's going on and with whom when it comes to sexual content, period. The renders look nice, and the women look attractive, the writing is really where you need to focus on and maybe even redo this. It feels extremely rushed despite basically being a teaser release and not a full initial release, and felt like you're giving context to things not going on to set up future content which rather confused me.
gonna be honest here, im not wasting my time on a game where the dev could decide on a whim that the next update will have ntr/sharing just because the "community" wanted it
pick a side so we are not wasting our time here
Heh, see, thats what they were talking about by deciding about NTR before the egos with pitchforks come.
Kate should have been in the intros with twin and mother. I also can't tell if she's older or younger. As with the ntr faction, the incest faction is going to be grumbling about a lack of content for them when there are so many options.
Upper left corner: Time over Day looks kinda weird. Its usually the other way. "its Monday evening" not "its evening, Monday."
I'm ambivalent about dream sex. Its a quick and easy way to get a lewd scene in a first chapter, which I really prefer over a forced scene. Sure, the dream sequence was "forced", but you can't really choose your dreams so I'll take it as part of the narrative.
Need to be cautious going forward about having pre-existing feelings to an LI, especially one that has a boyfriend. If you're gonna go the netori route be sure to make it optional. But if not, also do not keep the MC pining over Jenna, give the player the choice to either pursue or let go.
The fairies were described as emerald and sapphire, but they were green
and... purple? Most sapphires are very blue, though there are some that are kinda pink but as they get closer to red they are rubies. But still, not purple. Amethyst would be a better descriptive term if you don't want to re-render with a blue fairy instead of purple.
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- Aug 19, 2018
- 431
- 1,626
Millaky Interesting setup for a story, though I have some issues with the writing.
1. Everything is narrated by the MC at the beginning of the story. I would prefer things to be introduced as we go instead, but is not that big of an issue if it's only at the start. It was such a big contrast though that Kate was not introduced at all, neither at the beginning, neither when she visited MC-s home.
2. Models are acceptable, though MC-s model could be better. It's so rare to have a decent model for the male protagonist. And there is something off with the mother's face. I'm not saying she is ugly, just something is off. I've seen this model used in other games where it didn't have this issue, I don't know if it's a setting issue within the renderer or the model was tweaked a bit.
3. The fairies are introduced by a previously unknown narrator. Having too much narration is already bad enough, but having 2 different narrators (MC and another omniscient one) is even worse. Try to cut down on the narration and try to show what's happening through the images and dialogue. You know, show, don't tell.
4. The introduction of the fairies comes from nowhere. I think it would help the story if there was some buildup to that. Instead of showing them immediately and telling who and what they are, there could be some mysterious light in MC room while he sleeps and some voices discussing him in a cryptic way, would be better to slowly build up to the reveal.
The erotic scene between them could be moved to a later part of the game.
1. Everything is narrated by the MC at the beginning of the story. I would prefer things to be introduced as we go instead, but is not that big of an issue if it's only at the start. It was such a big contrast though that Kate was not introduced at all, neither at the beginning, neither when she visited MC-s home.
2. Models are acceptable, though MC-s model could be better. It's so rare to have a decent model for the male protagonist. And there is something off with the mother's face. I'm not saying she is ugly, just something is off. I've seen this model used in other games where it didn't have this issue, I don't know if it's a setting issue within the renderer or the model was tweaked a bit.
3. The fairies are introduced by a previously unknown narrator. Having too much narration is already bad enough, but having 2 different narrators (MC and another omniscient one) is even worse. Try to cut down on the narration and try to show what's happening through the images and dialogue. You know, show, don't tell.
4. The introduction of the fairies comes from nowhere. I think it would help the story if there was some buildup to that. Instead of showing them immediately and telling who and what they are, there could be some mysterious light in MC room while he sleeps and some voices discussing him in a cryptic way, would be better to slowly build up to the reveal.
The erotic scene between them could be moved to a later part of the game.
In re: the MC's model. There aren't a huge variation of male faces and hairstyles in these AVNs so occasionally there's some similarities to characters in other games. Sometimes thats good, sometimes not. One example I can think of is is a game called After That Night where the MC is nearly the spitting image of the "goofy best friend" character Zach in Intertwined... the problem is is that character is so annoying that whenever I saw the MC's face in that other game I wanted to punch the screen. I never finished its first episode.
How that relates is that this game's MC looks almost exactly like Christian in Chasing Sunsets. For those that haven't played or don't remember, Christian is the guy in high school that assaulted Jayne (MC's step? sister), and who the MC has a confrontation with at their graduation party that sets off the events of that game. He gets a redemption arc if you make certain choices. Because he's a character that gets emotional reaction from players (and not in a good way), that might have an impact on players' opinion of the MC of this game. Consciously or not.
How that relates is that this game's MC looks almost exactly like Christian in Chasing Sunsets. For those that haven't played or don't remember, Christian is the guy in high school that assaulted Jayne (MC's step? sister), and who the MC has a confrontation with at their graduation party that sets off the events of that game. He gets a redemption arc if you make certain choices. Because he's a character that gets emotional reaction from players (and not in a good way), that might have an impact on players' opinion of the MC of this game. Consciously or not.
- Jul 10, 2017
- 21,624
- 26,694
This could be the banner for the Patreon and the wallpaper for the options screen and the welcome screen and the Save/Load screen and the gallery screen and the fade in and fade out start of chapter screen and end of chapter screen.
Every thing in this game is going on in anticipation of the birthday, which is totally odd as nobody cares about the impending double birthday of the twins in this game - no talk about organising a party or throwing a party or going out the both of them or asking peers to come out on the town so they can cellebrate together. Where is the whole plot of ”birthday in a couple a days” plot line get lost all of a sudden? The tension is forced and hard to grasp, the ”momma*s boy” MC should be either growing out of it or getting deeper in the ”parents fave pet” territory, for being teased and seemingly passive to the digs that the others keep throwing at MC.
Narration is a staple of Star Wars and Dune with walls of text going on in the early movies.
Most game devs around here have a special girl/guy do the narration in the beginning - the MC, the antagonist, the antagonist and the MC, a different girl or a girl from the game doing the talking. MC being the 4th wall breaker in the beginning works well enough, yet the description of the fairy ladies should be done by one of them - as a thought that we see as being in her head or a thought of Mc who is dreaming all of this - he already was dreaming of the girl before, so another vivid dream would be on par with his character description - ”MC is living in his head” - dark horse, rough diamond, keeps to himself, distant, daydreaming, head in the clouds.
The huge problem is the story that makes absolutely no sense: apart from the fact nobody seems to know or act or prepare or acknowledge the impending double birthday of the protagonist characters, even the MC narration is all over the place.
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Turning this thread from reactions to a discussion should prove interesting.
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- May 18, 2021
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- Jun 13, 2021
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WhispersOfPower-0.1
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- Dec 17, 2021
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This post may seem harsh to some but, there's a lot of meat in there, dev. Take it as constructive criticism, which, I'm sure, is how Canto means it. You already know, and have acknowledged the artwork can use some improvement. Canto has hit on some of the most glaring instances of images that could use some work. Most of the criticism about the story telling is not about your writing. As I said before, you're a pretty good writer - in terms of your command of the language. If I could give one tip that would help you tell a better story... Try to think in terms of the characters' points of view. Let me get to know them and watch their lives through their actions and their dialogue with one another. In other words, don't try so hard to "tell me a story". Just let me watch it unfold.