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New month, same grind. Hope you guys are good. September has been an eventful month for me to say the least. Let's get on with the report first though.
Report
I said October would be the month I release the revamp. That's still the case. Most likely late October. If I end up pulling up to the end of the month, I'll release it November 1st, just so people who might want to pledge don't have to worry about a double payment. But it's coming and it's coming soon. If I had known it'd be like this, I likely would've just continued from where I left off in Chapter 3 and would have been about 6 or 7 chapters deep by now, but hindsight is 20/20. Funny, cause I think I said something similar when planning the revamp, in relation to my dissatisfaction with the original Chapter 1.
I wanted to pause pledges since I hadn't released for a while, but I'm just not able to. This is my only source of income right now and I do my part in the apartment I live in, since I don't live alone. If I pause, I have nothing for the following month and responsibilities begin to pile up.
Other Things
So, this past month has been eventful. I'll tell you 2 of the things, just so this doesn't become a autobiography of 2020. Had my first panic attack a few days ago. Didn't really know what it was until after the fact. Even now, it's just a guess. It's an intense feeling to say the least. I'm an insomniac, so I was just laying in bed, trying to get some rest, but was unable to get comfortable for like 2 hours. Start sifting through my phone, but all these thoughts start rushing to my head and I start to get fidgety, short of breath, my eyes watered and I felt like I couldn't talk. And I experienced it all in silence.
This isn't last month, but yesterday. I had planned on posting yesterday, but didn't for this reason. My mom had been complaining about a lump in her breast. I think she said it sometimes leaks blood or something. I don't like to talk about it or describe it because it makes me queasy, understandably so, but yesterday she went in for her second mammogram and her doctor said there were two lumps. One the size of a grape, the other a size of a coin, I think she described it. So they scheduled her for a biopsy on the 16th to check if it's cancerous tissue.
So that's on my mind as well. Could be nothing, but there's always a sort of feeling of "panic" anytime the word "cancer" starts becoming involved in your life. You regularly test for things like this, but you don't really give it a second thought until a scare starts knocking at your door, and hopefully that's all it is, a scare.
I really don't have any room left in my psyche for 2020 to deliver any more punches, so I'd
really appreciate it if my mom wasn't included in the list of things to worry about. I have enough on my mind. At this current moment, I've never been so unmotivated in my entire life to be completely honest with you. Tale of two halves I'd say. Beginning of the year, while hard, I couldn't be stopped. Now, I feel like all I want to do is stop. But if I stop, I give in, and I don't want to give in.
Don't let these words scare you guys or anything, I just like to be honest about where my head is at. It's sort of cliche at this point. "
Oh, look, a dev that's going through shit because his development slowed down and wants people to feel sorry for him. Add him to the list! R.I.P game!" It's a tired cycle at this point, I know. But take it how you will.
October Wallpaper Poll is coming tomorrow at the latest.
Til next post.
