Yeah, last I heard ChainZero had a family member who was battling some health issues or something. I believe Mr Vargas would know better. Whatever befell CZ I wish him well. It's a shame a project that he seemed so passionate about had to die.
- Thread starter N7
- Start date
- May 23, 2020
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- 230
Such a shame about the fate of this. Was a great game with such promise. Hope CZ is doing okay
- Mar 17, 2019
- 1,603
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Intro
Wow. I really don't even know what to say right now. Umm...I'ma just go off the dome I guess. I've tried to write this numerous times. Never knew where to take it. I'm sorry if I just start rambling and going off on these undeserving, self pity-riddled tangents. But I'm tired of being silent. I have no plan here and I can't wait until I have one. I was building something, and by my own actions, I tore it all down.
To start, I'm so, so sorry to the patrons I betrayed along the way. Let's not sugar coat it, yeah? It was a betrayal of trust on my part. I was trusted with a lot of your monetary support and I shat on it. I'll explain how shortly. Even beyond the monetary support, there were people I considered friends along the way.
Mr. Vargas and I talked every day we were available. Pantysniffer and I as well. VDawe played a huge part in even getting this page off the ground. I was lost without him. I apologize to you guys directly. I told you time and time again that I was fine, that I was doing well, that some days were better than others when in truth I was struggling. Eventually I started closing off and the messages became less and less frequent. If I recall, VDawe, you messaged me here back in April. That kinda shit just hurt me, because I don't feel like I deserve your concern. Anyone's concern for that matter. I didn't speak to devs much, but Enyo (False Hero dev) would probably remember I poked his brain a bit on how to improve my renders. He's come to me for some tips as well.
What Happened?
So what happened? Like I said, I don't have a plan in mind here, so I'm gonna say what needs to be said without personal specifics. My absence had little to do with the revamped game. I was on schedule. It was unnecessary in hindsight, but I powered through. The last "life" update I left y'all with was on my mom. She's fine. Her lump wasn't cancerous, but I do believe she needs an incision to remove it since other methods haven't worked. What I didn't tell you was that I was having issues with both my parents way before any of this occurred. I let Vargas in on some of these issues, but even he doesn't quite know the full story.
It boiled over when I got into a verbal and then a physical altercation with one and then the other. I've had panic attacks and rage filled outbursts before, even going back to when I was young, but I never put hands on them before and that sickened me. Any damage I may have done as a result of these episodes was always self-inflicted. Y'know, like hitting myself, punching a wall repeatedly, banging my head, those kinds of things. This time, my aggression was focused on them. Let me say though, it didn't get debilitating or to a situation where police or charges were necessary. I was restrained and "calmed" out of my aggression but I wasn't relaxed and in this state I just deleted my work, anything Daz or Renpy.
I wanted everything, everybody, every responsibility as far away from me as humanly possible in the moment and I didn't care who I was hurting in the process. All that mattered to me was my isolation. So I deleted everything and went to sleep. I don't want to make this sound like it was an involuntary decision. No, I was in complete control at this point. I wasn't aggressive anymore. I just didn't give a fuck to be quite frank with you.
So I deleted everything, signed out of Discord, signed out of F95, and only came on Patreon when I needed to withdraw the balance, and I don't even need to go into everything wrong with that last part. I'm sorry. I wish I could do better than an "I'm sorry". Words can't describe the guilt, but my guilt is secondary in this scenario. Regardless of the circumstances, it was my responsibility to be upfront with all of you, but I wasn't, and I continued this practice months even after my mind had eased. The longer I remained absent, the harder it became to return and the more the guilt piled up, because I made promises, I made assurances, I did these things. Me. And I fell back on all of that. After the initial episodes, it was guilt and fear that kept me away, but it didn't keep me from withdrawing that balance every month. It gets worse when you understand that I talked down on these types of developers on F95, but I'm no better. My absence was unfortunate but everything after that is on me.
I'd understand if anyone thought this sudden post was some sort of damage control. It isn't. I've had a close friend in my ear about this return for a while now and he finally got on my ass and basically told me to tighten the fuck up and just say something, anything, to let these people know what's happening with me. I owed it you guys and myself to be honest, he said. I don't think I could've come to terms with these things without him.
So What Comes Next?
Good question. Short answer? I don't know, yo. I'm just not there mentally anymore. I love this story. I wanna write this story. I wanna see it to the finish line, but I almost feel like I don't deserve to. Nor am I motivated to.
A few months after my absence, I was trying and failing mightily to get back into things, thinking maybe I could return. I had my characters backed up and gave them new life and updated looks. Outside of this stuff, I could never really escape Daz forever. I've said this before, I'm always playing around on Daz with different things. I wasn't gonna stay gone from it forever.
I'd like to tell you guys I'm in a better headspace, I'm not. Whatsoever. I'm not separated from this environment and I haven't sought therapy. My logic here is...I just don't see how therapy would help my state of mind if I'm not able to remove myself from this toxic environment. I get that's what a therapist is meant to help you figure out. I don't know. Maybe that's just an excuse on my part.
Future of Connected?
This was supposed to be answered in the last part, but I went off on a tangent. Anyway, short answer: I don't know. A whole lot of that "idk" shit here, but like I said, I had no plan for this post. I just wanted to get this off my chest.
I wronged you guys but I do know I had a good thing going here. I haven't been on F95 since my absence, but I'm sure it's marked "Abandoned". I'm really anxious and fearful just thinking about it. Haven't seen the comments either. I just haven't been involved with any of this since last year. I'm too much of a fuckin coward to be blunt.
If it's marked "Abandoned" this is not a post meant to remove that tag. Please keep the tag there until I produce something. I'm sorry for any inconvenience this post might bring on that front.
I want to return and I'm working on a return. I'm not in the best mindset, but I want to keep doing this. At least until I finish Connected. I have been writing and rendering both as work and as a hobby. It hasn't amounted to anything tangible as yet, but I've been going at my own pace. I've thought about finding help even before all this happened but I'm not good with handing over these responsibilities to others. I'm not good with that communication and have always felt like that'd slow me down. Group work isn't my strength.
My current idea is to delete the higher tiers and keep the $5 and $1 tiers. Possibly open back up those tiers if and when I find some consistency and not a day before that happens.
Connected and all other likely/unlikely projects however will be 100% public going forward.
Yes, I'm working, but like I said, I'm doing so at my own pace. I have no idea when I'm likely to really return with actual content. Until then, I'm still signed off of Discord and F95 until I actually grow the balls to face you guys again.
The best way to reach me is by Patreon message for right now. Perhaps I'll show you guys some past time renders of Ayana and the gang as I get comfortable here again. But do not expect anything out of my return for a while. This is just me taking the first step to where ever I go from here. If anything changes, if I don't see myself fully committing to this, I'l just delete my page.
I'm so sorry again to all of you. I just want you guys to know that. Mr. Vargas, VDawe, Pantysniffer, I'm truly sorry. Like I said, I'm not ready to be back on discord or F95, but I'm here. Hope I've made some sense of my absence in this post and it isn't just rambling. If you have questions, I'm here. I just need to decompress after this post though. It wasn't an easy one to get out.
Til next post, whatever it may be. Probably a wallpaper or a character sheet for old time's sake
- Sep 4, 2017
- 1,485
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Take the time you need, your health comes first. And when and if you return to connected i will be looking forward to seeing your work once again. I'm just glad that the dev has said something a lot of us were worried not about the game but about the devs health. Take your time and take care.
- Apr 26, 2020
- 15,399
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You probably won't see this for a while 
But I just wanted to say that it is good to hear from you. Most of us where worried about what happened. We are just happy that you are ok(ish).
We all screw up in life, big or small, it happens to all of us. The fact that you've decided to start dealing with it is a HUGE step forward.
We'll be here if and when you decide to come back, I for one can't wait to get back to this amazing story.
But I just wanted to say that it is good to hear from you. Most of us where worried about what happened. We are just happy that you are ok(ish).
We all screw up in life, big or small, it happens to all of us. The fact that you've decided to start dealing with it is a HUGE step forward.
We'll be here if and when you decide to come back, I for one can't wait to get back to this amazing story.
It's good to hear from CZ and know he's alive and trying to cope with everything. I wish him well and do hope he is able to move forward in life with a healthy and positive outlook. I don't think he should try to come back until he can commit to developing whatever comes next. Mental health and real life should always take precedence.
That said I have to say that for me, knowing that he deleted everything and that he's not really in a proper mindset to continue, Connected is officially and truly dead. I loved the brief glimpse we were able to get, the character renders were amazing, and I was interested in the story of long lost siblings reconnecting. It was a great beginning to what could have been a great game. But that's all it is at this point.
I have to give CZ credit for explaining what happened. I only wish more developers of abandoned games would do the same. Whatever comes next I hope that it will be a positive for him.
That said I have to say that for me, knowing that he deleted everything and that he's not really in a proper mindset to continue, Connected is officially and truly dead. I loved the brief glimpse we were able to get, the character renders were amazing, and I was interested in the story of long lost siblings reconnecting. It was a great beginning to what could have been a great game. But that's all it is at this point.
I have to give CZ credit for explaining what happened. I only wish more developers of abandoned games would do the same. Whatever comes next I hope that it will be a positive for him.
- Mar 9, 2020
- 1,751
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Its good to know about you and what happened, hopefully in the future you can work again in Connected, CZ take the time you need, health comes first.
- Jun 25, 2017
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No sympathy for the guy, he was happy to go to his Patreon page every month to collect free money from people who were waiting for an update and the dev had already deleted everything and wasn't even working on anything, that's called a scam artist.
I understand everything CZ said except the part that he said that he wanted to close off everything and wanted isolation but he still came back every month to withdraw pateron money. I'm not a patreon supporter of his but I'm sure his supported must have asked/dm him some question. Did he just ignore all that and came in withdrew the money and go back like nothing?
That's Dark man.
I sure has hell not qualified to judge him as i never supported him in pateron.
These past 12-18 month's have been very hard to people globally and I bet there are plethora of reason people might be in situations that made them do things that don't define their character.
The only silver lining he has the courage to come and apologize to his pateron supporters. I know many would say he deserve no sympathy but its hard to face your own demons.
That's Dark man.
I sure has hell not qualified to judge him as i never supported him in pateron.
These past 12-18 month's have been very hard to people globally and I bet there are plethora of reason people might be in situations that made them do things that don't define their character.
The only silver lining he has the courage to come and apologize to his pateron supporters. I know many would say he deserve no sympathy but its hard to face your own demons.
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- Jul 15, 2017
- 516
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Good to get some information, at some point i even thought that he actually died.
Can't respect what he did, and probably can't trust him in the future, but well... I can respect that he at least grew some balls (with a little help from his friends) to came back to explain and apologize. It's actually hard to do, especially after everything.
We all fail sometimes, and sometimes we fail big. But life keeps going, so like Neil Young sung "don't let it bring you down".
Can't respect what he did, and probably can't trust him in the future, but well... I can respect that he at least grew some balls (with a little help from his friends) to came back to explain and apologize. It's actually hard to do, especially after everything.
We all fail sometimes, and sometimes we fail big. But life keeps going, so like Neil Young sung "don't let it bring you down".
- Dec 22, 2017
- 284
- 716
Glad he didn't throw a pity party and acknowledged that taking that money out was beyond a scummy thing to do. I wanted to feel relived that he was at least still breathing, but I couldn't even feel that for him. At this point the game isn't at all important, its meaningless to his awful behavior towards people that supported and cared for him.
Honestly reading that, I wouldn't support or play his game if he ever did return.
Honestly reading that, I wouldn't support or play his game if he ever did return.
I'm glad about his comeback, pretty scummy to take the money like that but I feel like the community knew it'd be a while for him to come back, doesn't make what he did justifiable but still. Also I'm pretty sure if we were in his shoes we would possibly do the same. Now that we know he's alive lets hope he continues you the story. Now that hes back lets also hope Veqvil from love and submission will come back. Veqvil please man come back it was so good, I've seen shitty renpys that make it through the whole dev cycle but you made a wonderful game come back man. Finally CZ you said you wouldn't check for a while but glad you're back and tell Veqvil to get to it.
If he’s unmotivated to continue the game then it’s not gonna happen. Too bad. Loved that main girl.
- Sep 8, 2020
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- Jul 10, 2017
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Dev is back in the sweet bosoms of creating spectacular babes 4 us all!
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You probably won't see this for a while
But I just wanted to say that it is good to hear from you. Most of us where worried about what happened. We are just happy that you are ok(ish).
We all screw up in life, big or small, it happens to all of us. The fact that you've decided to start dealing with it is a HUGE step forward.
We'll be here if and when you decide to come back, I for one can't wait to get back to this amazing story.
I agree, just started to get attached to both the friend and sister characters...
- May 14, 2020
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- Jun 28, 2018
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Eh, not the worst thing he did.
Nearly all devs here do this deliberately: working hard at first, then when they hit the ceiling with income, "suddenly" updates become smaller, come out less frequently, despite having far more resources/experience.
( NLT games is really an exception).
And with scammers like Incstor, Gumdrops, Dammed, etc..I'd throw them all into Russian gulag for some good ol' rehabilitation ( 14 hours work day, loaf of bread and some onion soup).
He should freeze Patreon, release an update or two for free, then resume work as usual.
Nearly all devs here do this deliberately: working hard at first, then when they hit the ceiling with income, "suddenly" updates become smaller, come out less frequently, despite having far more resources/experience.
( NLT games is really an exception).
And with scammers like Incstor, Gumdrops, Dammed, etc..I'd throw them all into Russian gulag for some good ol' rehabilitation ( 14 hours work day, loaf of bread and some onion soup).
He should freeze Patreon, release an update or two for free, then resume work as usual.