VN Ren'Py Abandoned Damaged Goods [Day 2 Part 2] [Yihman1 -Sinappeal]

[Amahl Farouk]

It is still lit. Her weight has not actually come down onto it yet. If we did a 2nd render here her foot would be down more and the smoke would be gone. So think of it as a snapshot of the cigarettes last breath of life before it is extinguished.

Her right foot is also floating above the ground, this girl takes putting out a cigarette seriously! Full jump into the air
Mistakes happen, it was just funny to see it

 

[Amahl Farouk]

This is some of the best writing critique I have ever seen on this forum.

I do agree with some of the points made. I think often we tend to over-describe or explain a situation particularly if we started writing in the traditional way before branching into the visual novel medium. I think the writer could be a little less defensive and reflect on the advice a little more. We have two options here, tell them or show them.

Some of the scenes are a little odd.

I think the interaction with the fiance was handled well in the most part. Simple choices, we have seen this setup played out quite a few times and it works quite well. Tying in the MC's reaction to the ex girlfriend and the status of the relationship was a nice touch.

I do think it is odd that the MC would be willing to kiss a student on the lips at their first interaction - that kind of rule breaking would only usually occur after some attraction had built up and would more likely occur out of a work setting.

The corporal punishment thing grated because as far as I know, no school anywhere is allowed to hit a student. A more psychological based punishment/humiliation would have been logical here to maintain immersion

As this is the first iteration of the story I think a good sit down and review of the scenes and the dialogue might be advised. The suggestion about story boarding and the writing process is top notch and should be followed

And finally this:

"You seem to know quite a lot about making visual novels. Could you show me preferably one that you have written yourself that meets the specifications that you desire? "

This was a very passive aggressive defensive reply. The man is taking a bit of time to offer advice, and you need a bit of advice, you have the start of a good game that I would like to follow, but it is far from perfect. Chill a bit, a lot of guys here have a bit more background and knowledge than you might think and it is a good community

Anyways, well done on releasing your game, I look forward to the story as it continues.

 

[proofreader]

So I was mostly meming before but since the devs appear to be listening, let me be clear: this game sucks. Or, rather, what I played of it sucks--I quit after 15 minutes due to exposition fatigue. I only say this so bluntly because I think that you are capable of making something that doesn't suck so, please, take this enormous compliment in the spirit with which it was intended.

As far as practical advice goes, I guess #1 would be focus on story. To me it feels like the writer thinks it's enough that he or she speaks fluent English, a rarity in the DAZVN world. The reality is that nobody cares. In fact, this fact can be a detriment if you get too cute with it, talking yourself in circles that no one cares to circumnavigate (like this one).

 

[proofreader]

My second piece of practical advice would be to ignore the critics and do what makes you happy. Except for me. You should treat my every word as gospel.

 

[yihman1]

This is some of the best writing critique I have ever seen on this forum.

I do agree with some of the points made. I think often we tend to over-describe or explain a situation particularly if we started writing in the traditional way before branching into the visual novel medium. I think the writer could be a little less defensive and reflect on the advice a little more. We have two options here, tell them or show them.

Some of the scenes are a little odd.

I think the interaction with the fiance was handled well in the most part. Simple choices, we have seen this setup played out quite a few times and it works quite well. Tying in the MC's reaction to the ex girlfriend and the status of the relationship was a nice touch.

I do think it is odd that the MC would be willing to kiss a student on the lips at their first interaction - that kind of rule breaking would only usually occur after some attraction had built up and would more likely occur out of a work setting.

The corporal punishment thing grated because as far as I know, no school anywhere is allowed to hit a student. A more psychological based punishment/humiliation would have been logical here to maintain immersion

As this is the first iteration of the story I think a good sit down and review of the scenes and the dialogue might be advised. The suggestion about story boarding and the writing process is top notch and should be followed

And finally this:

"You seem to know quite a lot about making visual novels. Could you show me preferably one that you have written yourself that meets the specifications that you desire? "

This was a very passive aggressive defensive reply. The man is taking a bit of time to offer advice, and you need a bit of advice, you have the start of a good game that I would like to follow, but it is far from perfect. Chill a bit, a lot of guys here have a bit more background and knowledge than you might think and it is a good community

Anyways, well done on releasing your game, I look forward to the story as it continues.

When it comes to writing there is more than one way to skin a cat, or as Rose would probably say "There is more than one way to pet a cat." not wanting to perpetuate animal cruelty with an antiquated idiom.

Different writers have different styles. Some prefer some things over others.

Rose was indeed acting unprofessionally with Lucy by giving her a peck on the lips.

EDA would be classified as a private school. Corporal punishment is allowed at private schools in 48 out of 50 states only banned in 2. I personally atteneded one such private school about 20 years ago.

 

[yihman1]

So I was mostly meming before but since a dev's appear to be listening, let me be clear: this game sucks. Or, rather, what I played of it sucks: I quit after 15 minutes due to exposition fatigue. I only say this so bluntly because I think that you are capable of making something that doesn't suck so, please, take this enormous compliment in the spirit with which it was intended.

As far as practical advice goes, I guess #1 would be focus on story. To me it feels like the writer thinks it's enough that he or she speaks fluent English, a rarity in the DAZVN world. The reality is that nobody cares. In fact, this fact can be a detriment if you get too cute with it, talking yourself in circles that no one cares to circumnavigate (like this one).

Sometimes when I deal with criticism I think to this picture.... This man is my fucking hero lol

 

[proofreader]

I don't get it.

Obviously my thong would cover the pubes.

 

[yihman1]

I don't get it.

Obviously my thong would cover the pubes.

It's an old meme, but still a valid one.

The way I see the comic strip is like this. It takes place in a coffee room at an office setting.

The top half is Monday morning. A woman is at work with her boobs hanging out showing some serious cleavage. Guy goes in to gets a cup of coffee, and notices her boobs are hanging out so takes a quick peak at them for like 3-5 seconds. She proceeds to give him a dirty look. It's not shown in the strip but the brunette with the cleavage probably went over to the blonde who is head of HR complaining about sexual harassment from the guy because his eyes wandered down to her breasts that are hanging out. He probably got an earful that day from the HR lady about inappropriate staring blah blah blah... And he just nodded and He was like "okay okay I get it my bad. I promise it won't happen again."

The guy was pissed off though. He thought to himself why is it okay for her to walk around dressed provocatively and I get an earful over it for just taking a quick look!?

The bottom strip is Tuesday morning. He notices the brunette has put on a different shirt this time no cleavage because she thinks she is working with a pervert that will ogle her. Then he thinks "I'm gonna show you what it feels like!" So he untucks his shirt and rolls it up a little, then he half unzips his trousers so that his pubes are hanging out and walk in to get a coffee. HR lady and cleavage lady both notice and are like trying to cover their eyes and avert their gaze... but they can not unsee what they have seen. The final image is the man giving them the same dirty look that cleavage lady gave him the day before.

 

[proofreader]

OK. But how does that relate to the situation? Criticism is nice boobies and your reaction to criticism is unkempt pubes?

 

[Trephis]

futa/trans tag => check ✅
female MC => oh yay!!
*clicks on download button*- phew! 1020mb for first release looks like a lot a content
still gotta try this game man

 

[SinAppeal]

Hi Guys, thanks so much for your support As a token of gratitude we wanna design a nice Render for our patrons You can decide which Girl you wanna see

Check out

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for more information

 

[Heatherthatsme]

Quality 3D images and a good story, looking forward to part two

 

[SinAppeal]

So I was mostly meming before but since the devs appear to be listening, let me be clear: this game sucks. Or, rather, what I played of it sucks--I quit after 15 minutes due to exposition fatigue. I only say this so bluntly because I think that you are capable of making something that doesn't suck so, please, take this enormous compliment in the spirit with which it was intended.

As far as practical advice goes, I guess #1 would be focus on story. To me it feels like the writer thinks it's enough that he or she speaks fluent English, a rarity in the DAZVN world. The reality is that nobody cares. In fact, this fact can be a detriment if you get too cute with it, talking yourself in circles that no one cares to circumnavigate (like this one).

Thank you for your honest feedback. It is helpful and we will try to take it into account.

 

[SinAppeal]

Quality 3D images and a good story, looking forward to part two

Good to hear that you like it

 

[SinAppeal]

You have 1000 uncompressed images on your first release. First. How big will you project your final file size be? How big a percentage of the overall story have you shown so far? If you're planning ten releases at an average of 1 GB a release, that's 10 GB for a visual novel. If you're planning 30? OMG...

And absolutely, padding hurts the player experience. Indirectly, the download will be a bitch considering it's a visual novel and not a game. Directly, constant quick cutting (because we're certainly not going to dwell on a second or third image of the same thing) hurts the eyes and tires the mind. Bad pacing, the inevitable consequence of putting too much in, is very annoying. It doesn't "feel like more of a scene" (especially since there is nothing here soothing the mind in the optical way 24 fps does), it feels like you're milking time. It feels like, well, padding. When you're watching a a car scene in a movie, you don't watch the entire 30 minute drive from point A to point B. That's boring and unnecessary to the experience of a story. You don't watch the driver fix her mirror, make her hand signals, fiddle with her Spotify, etc. Unless that action leads to something that will enhance the experience, you do not need it, and you delay the journey the audience is taking with you for absolutely nothing. You're like a museum guide who stops to comment on the texture of the velvet roping in-between painting exhibits.

And absolutely, yes, writing efficiency. It's not just for training manuals. And this is especially important because a. you're working with a team and b. eventually you'll be taking patron money for this. And judging by your response, you have no clue how enormous the amount of "pertinent details" are, especially in a collaborative creative work. Writing efficiency means that I am able to give every necessary writing detail on my end with as few revisions as possible (meaning that any revision will be due to compromises and additions due to collaboration and not because "I forgot to add something" etc), so that the other person can do her job as comprehensively and efficiently as possible. Have you seen a movie outline? A sequence treatment? A shooting script? Story board? Those are not "simplified". In fact, by the time the camera rolls, there should be as little room for mistakes as possible. I can't go to the director in the middle of viewing the day's rushes and telling him he must reshoot a scene to add this silly joke I came up with. If your visual teams is spending more time rendering unnecessary images, it's because you guys went ahead without enough of the "pertinent details". Hell, if that is indeed your "standing order", then much of the inefficiency and unnecessary padding is rooted on your end and not his.

I like your constructive feedback !

You are absolutely right about that! The game size has become a bit big with 1GB for day1. We are still relatively new here, so I am not a pro at compressing yet. We take your suggestion very seriously and will provide improvements for the future. So that it does not lead to 20GB on day 10

Also the point about transitions we will consider for Day2. Our goal was not primarily to gain time.

As you already wrote it is about Writing Efficiency. Of course, there is still room for improvement. We have only started. And as in every project, difficulties arise. We will definitely work hard on a storyboard.
So in the past it was a bit more complicated for me at some points to deliver you hot and exciting sections.

But this will change in the future. We will taken like movie outline/ A sequence treatment/ A shooting script/ Story board/ into account.

To increase the effectiveness. And to bring the game experience to life using better art.

 

[SinAppeal]

I played the whole chapter in one breath and had to do it again and again to find all the possibility scenery.
The story was so good and i really loved all the character, they are so well made. Compliments for this game, one of the best and i look forward to see the chapter 2!

Appreciate your Comment

 

[SinAppeal]

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i know that lady from somewhere

yeah great cameo of AWAM fan art
great character

 

[BeastMaster59]

Is Rose seriously a PETA supporter? It's bad enough that she's vegan, but it looks plot-wise that she's heading towards becoming a terrorist with this Animal Avenger business.

I'm all for animal welfare, but those guys take it too far. If you actually look into it, people like Temple Grandin are a far better example of how to do things ethically and not be an extremist.

Unless of course the plot is her doing some critical thinking and research and growing out of it like I did

Wonder if Rose drinks or spites because she is Vegan, this thought just came up

 

[yihman1]

Wonder if Rose drinks or spites because she is Vegan, this thought just came up

Rose is not currently an alcoholic. However, she may have a glass of wine from time to time.

 

[cakeny]

This is some of the best writing critique I have ever seen on this forum.

I do agree with some of the points made. I think often we tend to over-describe or explain a situation particularly if we started writing in the traditional way before branching into the visual novel medium. I think the writer could be a little less defensive and reflect on the advice a little more. We have two options here, tell them or show them.

Some of the scenes are a little odd.

I think the interaction with the fiance was handled well in the most part. Simple choices, we have seen this setup played out quite a few times and it works quite well. Tying in the MC's reaction to the ex girlfriend and the status of the relationship was a nice touch.

I do think it is odd that the MC would be willing to kiss a student on the lips at their first interaction - that kind of rule breaking would only usually occur after some attraction had built up and would more likely occur out of a work setting.

The corporal punishment thing grated because as far as I know, no school anywhere is allowed to hit a student. A more psychological based punishment/humiliation would have been logical here to maintain immersion

As this is the first iteration of the story I think a good sit down and review of the scenes and the dialogue might be advised. The suggestion about story boarding and the writing process is top notch and should be followed

And finally this:

"You seem to know quite a lot about making visual novels. Could you show me preferably one that you have written yourself that meets the specifications that you desire? "

This was a very passive aggressive defensive reply. The man is taking a bit of time to offer advice, and you need a bit of advice, you have the start of a good game that I would like to follow, but it is far from perfect. Chill a bit, a lot of guys here have a bit more background and knowledge than you might think and it is a good community

Anyways, well done on releasing your game, I look forward to the story as it continues.

Corporal punishment is still a thing in private schools, parents generally have to sign a waiver and give school permission first though.