VN Ren'Py Abandoned Home Trainer - Domestic Corruption [v0.2.1] [Deviant_smite]

[quorkboy]

When was there doubt? The first version made it clear Nina was into being punished and rewarded.

If there was one thing I felt was rushed and seemed out of place it was the situation with the MC trying to get a job. Okay, I can accept the woman being aggressively sexual and she asked him into her office for the purpose of showing off her body and getting his reaction. How he went from there to thinking she'd accept being dominated wasn't clear.

 

[Guyin Cognito]

Playing the new update, but starting from the beginning.
I spotted one issue (no, not the cafe one), but I'm gonna finish playing through and try to list anything I find.

I am a native English speaker myself, and you are doing very well with this game. There is one particular issue I notice in a lot of games, and I see it here: contractions. In narration, it's not an issue, but it can feel unnatural and robotic when dialog is written without contractions (Americans are lazy speakers. If we can shorten something, we usually do). You do use them some of the time, but, if it were me, I'd probably use them more often.

I don't know if you want THAT much feedback or not, so I figured I'd ask. Would you like me to list places where I would use contractions or make other minor edits, or should I stick to reporting actual errors?

Sorry, I'm just trying to be helpful without being overbearing. I mean, if you want, I'd be willing to proofread in advance for you in the future, but I don't want to overstep.

EDIT: comma usage is also not what I would call perfect, but honestly even most Americans have trouble with when to use commas, so most people probably won't notice. I edit my wife's blog posts, and I think 80% of what I do is fix her comma usage.

 

[Jun Sung Ahn]

Need android

 

[Faptime]

Need android

Did you even bother searching the thread?

Download android v0.2.0 APK Mega
P/s: Request Link Android Game at my

You must be registered to see the links

 

[Faptime]

A bit disappointed with the new update.. I think it s going too fast, there is no the buildup anymore.. The fact we already know what the daughter wants kills the fantasy. IMO would have been much better to keep the doubt about it, and make us believe the MC and the aunt are still manipulating her..

Wholeheartedly disagree. I want to be a dom, not an abuser. Consent is key for making it hot.

 

[Glooskabe]

If there was one thing I felt was rushed and seemed out of place it was the situation with the MC trying to get a job. Okay, I can accept the woman being aggressively sexual and she asked him into her office for the purpose of showing off her body and getting his reaction. How he went from there to thinking she'd accept being dominated wasn't clear.

I actually thought that was pretty brilliant. He didn't go all "take no prisoners" alpha dom on her. That would have been out of place. He took what she was doing to him and made a cheeky redirection to gauge her interest, and she ran with it. If she didn't respond well to it, he could just shrug it off as a naughty suggestion.

 

[cj42]

Looking forward for Android version

 

[dedi33]

Wholeheartedly disagree. I want to be a dom, not an abuser. Consent is key for making it hot.

Well.. Sometimes manipulation doesn't mean there is no sort of consent.. It can be quite complicated..

Also I was not clear in my last post. What I wanted to say is that since the MC and the daughter know what each other wants the roleplay doesn t work anymore. For example if the MC spanks the daughter and he s not sure if she s enjoying it or not (and finally finds out she is), it s much more arousing than if they consented to it before..

BTW the daughter looks like she s much less than 18yo... so if you don't want to be an "abuser" don't play this game

 

[Hysni]

No Vaginal + Creampie yet beter wait for that sport

 

[smite2001]

I don't know if you want THAT much feedback or not, so I figured I'd ask. Would you like me to list places where I would use contractions or make other minor edits, or should I stick to reporting actual errors?

Sorry, I'm just trying to be helpful without being overbearing. I mean, if you want, I'd be willing to proofread in advance for you in the future, but I don't want to overstep.
[...]
EDIT: comma usage is also not what I would call perfect

Feel free to go full grammar nazi on me.

I'm not very fragile when it comes to feedback in general, even if it is subjective and seemingly unfair.

Need android

Looking forward for Android version

I do not own an Android phone, so I will hold off on making a conversion myself. If no one steps forward within a week, I'll begrudgingly do it. The last couple versions got conversions very quickly, so I'm optimistic.

Well.. Sometimes manipulation doesn't mean there is no sort of consent.. It can be quite complicated..

Also I was not clear in my last post. What I wanted to say is that since the MC and the daughter know what each other wants the roleplay doesn t work anymore. For example if the MC spanks the daughter and he s not sure if she s enjoying it or not (and finally finds out she is), it s much more arousing than if they consented to it before..

BTW the daughter looks like she s much less than 18yo... so if you don't want to be an "abuser" don't play this game

Also adressing the other post with less suspense because cards are on the table and so on.

I'm not trying to stretch the game out into infinity. I want it to get wild, and reasonably fast. I personally consider a spanking like the one Ayleen administers kindergarten level stuff, if I'd make it a whole 'thing', I'd have my work cut out for the next three years to get anywhere. There will be stronger things to ponder over for both the MC and the girls involved.
(This response might sound harsh, but I actually appreciate feedback like that. You just got my honest thoughts on the matter).

Regarding age: One could maybe make a case that Nina looks 14-ish, but her canonical age is and always will be 18.

 

[Glooskabe]

DIT: comma usage is also not what I would call perfect, but honestly even most Americans have trouble with when to use commas, so most people probably won't notice. I edit my wife's blog posts, and I think 80% of what I do is fix her comma usage.

100% agree here. I proofread a few games and comma usage makes up an outsize share of my edits in every single one of them.

 

[smite2001]

100% agree here. I proofread a few games and comma usage makes up an outsize share of my edits in every single one of them.

I forgot to mention that in my previous reply, but my native tongue has different rules regarding commata. Which is why I will always fuck it up for ever and ever.

 

[emmasteadman]

Haha - I think the build up in this game at the start when Ayleen and MC discuss boundries or lack-thereof is prob gonna be better than any future updates. Pretty hot. Still this is one to watch, be interesting to see just how f***ed up it can go, and I'm all for that.

If I had any constructive criticism, it'd be make choices matter, so far most/all choice seem to have the same outcome, only giving an illusion of choice.

 

[quorkboy]

Beware of commas. Even when technically grammatically correct, heavy use of commas leads to stunted and awkward text. I attempt to avoid them except when absolutely necessary to create a deliberate pause or prevent ambiguity. I may not always succeed .

I'd far rather write something that's pleasing to read than something that's technically correct.

 

[quorkboy]

I'm not trying to stretch the game out into infinity. I want it to get wild, and reasonably fast. I personally consider a spanking like the one Ayleen administers kindergarten level stuff, if I'd make it a whole 'thing', I'd have my work cut out for the next three years to get anywhere. There will be stronger things to ponder over for both the MC and the girls involved.
(This response might sound harsh, but I actually appreciate feedback like that. You just got my honest thoughts on the matter).

I'm fine with going fast. Only that one incident I thought seemed like an unexpected place for the MC to go, mentally speaking. The Hannah sequence on the other hand I found was very nicely paced .

Regarding age: One could maybe make a case that Nina looks 14-ish, but her canonical age is and always will be 18.

She looks 18 to me. Not just saying that because it's the canonical age. But we've had this personal perception discussion before. Some people will see it differently. What's important is that you're comfortable with how she looks.

 

[Netori Popeye]

I have a theory that the MC died in the fire and we're just experiencing his last thoughts. After all the human brain can simulate years worth of false memories in under a second (there are cases of this happening IRL).

 

[Davewatch]

I have a theory that the MC died in the fire and we're just experiencing his last thoughts. After all the human brain can simulate years worth of false memories in under a second (there are cases of this happening IRL).

Yes at the Inland Revenue Lobby your life often flashes before your eyes HaHa

 

[Hordragg]

If I had any constructive criticism, it'd be make choices matter, so far most/all choice seem to have the same outcome, only giving an illusion of choice.

Stupid choices: Yeah, they are there. I didn't touch them yet, because I will add some stats to the characters that will be influenced by said choices. So there will be an overhaul of most of the stupid/inconsequential options when I release 0.3, or shortly thereafter. I'm not going to say much more on the stats, because it's not yet set in stone.

 

[Phallos]

I need alot more of this game

 

[applepie68]

Not planned straight up rape. So is there crooked rape? I'm confused by the straight up part so is there rape or no?