Seriously, I just need to get this of my chest and it might be a "few" lines but I'm so sorry for your loss.
(edit this game made me cry and that is something I haven't done in almost 15 years so thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you)
I have felt the loss of people way to early in my life also but never a child because probably my experiences decided that it wasn´t for me to have. Children that is.
When I was 19 years old my sister sat me and my best buddy down outside a coffeeshop and told me like "Cece" that she was proud of me and talking in sentences that after her overdose or planned suicide would make more sense that these were her final words than what they sounded like on that day. She had been struggling with heroine addiction for almost 4 years at that point and our feelings for each other had gone from sibling hate like many others to a more mature sibling kinship. When she was in rehab I had the fortune to be doing my military service in the same town as her so we got to spend much more time together that we had previous years, so that´s a plus I guess.
My sister had found a nice guy (I think, never got to know him) also on rehab and wanted to spend the summer with him before they would start the autumn together really digging in and turn their lives around. The got engaged after something like a week and two days later the police knocked on my door. (Was living with my mother that time, she was spending the night with her new guy who she is married to today) My sister had been unable to use syringes by her self so this had to have been deliberate. They had over 40 substances in there blood when they was found, she and the guy she got engaged two days before or something like that. My guess is that they both wanted it to end, I know she was so tired. She told me so many times.
Heh it even was in the papers in my country, it was in the capitol and the police suspected a double homicide because of her being found in a sheet on the pave walk and him in the bushes on a schoolyard.
There was no homicide so at least they got 15 minutes of fame?
It took me 2 years on the day to shed even one tear, I was so goddamn angry at everything.
I lost friends, jobs, family yea just about everything that you would need to cope. I alienated everyone even trying to get me to feel anything. I shut off all emotions and that's not even exaggerating a little bit. I started to become real cold inside.
I never did any of this to hurt anyone I just wanted to be left the "fuck" alone but today I know that I didn´t want this at all.
But after two years on the day, I broke. Completely and utterly.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression and this was when my (real) life ended, this was like around when I was 24-25 years old. I'm here today but that is about it. I'm not depressed, I'm working an okay job not if you want to get ahead in life but to be able to live. I'm skilled with computers and I work in IT and I know I am good at what I do but I have no ambition to anything more. I'm not content, I just accept.
I was diagnosed in February the year I was turning 25 and up until day I was working in sales and if life turned out different this would probably had been my career. I was a really good at sales at even my first month on the job at 19 I broke the sales record for almost 250 other salespersons. I made real good money in sales. Still this was not a F95 slice of life game so life had another fast ball to throw at me.
The summer the same year me and my father who at this time was my best friend in life had an argument like so many other, but this one turned out to be the final one. At this time in my life my fathers word was like the word of the almighty, not in a bad way only that his experience in life and with loosing a daughter and still be able to go on this for me was like a hero in disguise. He after his divorce started a singles association, he didn't want people over 35 feel left out, this man was pure goodness. He never in my whole life hurt anybody, he was my hero.
And that day in July we had an argument like so many other but this one made me want to end my self "the first time" I had gotten by my psychologist a prescription of sleeping pills which I had never needed until that day. So I took them all, started packing a bag while my father was resting on the sofa, tired from our fight. I entered the kitchen and started picking out the pills from the deck or what the name of the card is. One after one until they filled my whole hand and for second I felt good real good. I swallowed all the pills and went back to the room and finished packing my bag.
He died on the operating table a couple of hours later for having a stroke caused by? Yea like I don't know. Everyone is telling me that it wasn't my fault but I know it was. I'm "okay" with that today and my life is my penance. I have to grow old alone and accept this existence for what it is. I have accepted this and I'm still here, not of choice because I have tried many different ways to end it all but none have worked (cutting, pills, death by fights and being an ass so someone maybe kills me but nothing worked) So I have stopped and accepted.
My mother and I and her new guy was not on good terms because he thought I reminded him to much of my father so he didn´t want me around. So I stayed away.
Today I'm 45 and I haven't missed out on anything in my life really, until I was like 30 and totally gave up, I was in relationships and was out partying and even made some illegal mistakes here and there. I have had a life filled with people trying to help but no-one can not really. I know that this is what life I will have to live and I have accepted that.
I understand "Cece" in everyway unfortunately.
My mother and I and her new husband (same guy) are today on real good terms, I thought one day that hate only takes away my energy and I don't want to hate so I forgave all past transgressions and just started over from a new page with them. We talk like 4-5 times a week so we are good, she doesn´t know how I feel and she will never know.
Heh actually you guys here are the only ones that know. Not even my psychologist knows. What's the difference? What can anyone do? Why burden people with my fucked up life and problems
Still I needed to say this and get this of my back, have been a couple years in the making.
I never visit their graves, don´t know why but I can´t. Have been at their graves maybe once or twice in 23 respectively 20 years now.
Still dude so fucking well written and damn, thank you for letting me feel again, if just for awhile.
And I'm am genuinely so sorry for your loss, it fucking hurts.
Thanks!
