I think it's wonderful that we have different views here which are robustly articulated.
That said, I think behind the seemingly academic distinctions of intended or not intended acts there is the actual battle going on about the character of the wife: does she want to help, is she just well meaning? How is her inner relationship to her husband? is she a fundamentally positive figure which is caught up in manipulation and misfortune or is she absolutely flawed? Is she capable of willingly hurting somebody and disrespecting somebody? That's why this is important. And I sense an unwillingness to paint her in grey colours so to speak. I see her not driven by an aim to hurt but by ego, panic, interest, hubris, sense of self-importance and, yes, an underlying growing contempt against her husband. This is as always mixed with pity, trying to be helpful, protectiveness for her family etc. but that doesn't change that.
Loving includes understanding. If you cannot see how these actions will inevitably hurt your husband and you can't even apologize afterwards you don't love him or you are stupid.
