VN Ren'Py Completed Picture Perfect [v1.0] [SuperWriter]

[Skylaroo]

Personally, I'd actually prefer the focus to be on the sisters' disputes rather than the financial problems because the former seem realistic but the latter comes off as nonsensical. The idea of the MC potentially losing his house because he's months behind on his mortgage comes off as contrived drama because it's not realistic. He's paying his electricity, gas, mobile and internet bills each month, buying groceries, paying for his car, his daughter's tuition, and funding $200/mo water bills, but not paying his mortgage? Bullshit. Banks start foreclosure after six months of no payments, assuming you aren't in forbearance. Only a moron would pay all his other bills first and his mortgage last for the simple reason that half of those bills are dependent on having a house to live in and the other half would be considered luxuries in the face of homelessness. It's silliness.

This is a valid point that I didn't think about previously. On a personal level, I like the idea of having financial problem as a vehicle to present the story, but you're absolutely right that the way it's presented is unrealistic. The only somewhat reasonable explanation as to why MC was paying everything else except the mortgage is because he was hiding the problem from the daughters, so he had to pretend everything was fine and not change/downgrade their lifestyle expenses. But the problem with that logic is that MC still didn't tell the daughters even when the problem had reached somewhat critical point. The financial problem is only brought up because Paris accidentally found the bill, and not because MC sat down with Paris and Sasha to tell them that there's a big problem.

This is one of the biggest challenges when it comes to writing proper storyline. Because this game tried to have story, it becomes an issue when the story is unrealistic.

 

[Deleted member 1412183]

After playing the original demo I decided to buy some of your stories of smashwords including the one this is based on, to get an idea where this is headed (since I’m the type of guy who reads the end of the book to see if it’s worth reading the rest). I really enjoyed it. I did however wish there was impregnation, it was the only thing missing for me (I know plenty of your other stories had it, just not this one). I can already see that the VN is starting to differ with the addition of other characters such as Sabrina. I just hope when the time comes you decide to give us the option to impregnate (I understand that this will be way way down the line).

About the new Paris model, you have Paris frowning a lot. While the old model with her softer features looked like she was brooding, the new model with her more defined features just looks angry (like she’s about to attack the MC). Personally, I think without all the frowning Paris would be far more likeable. Anyway, that’s just my personal opinion. I have to say, even though I prefer the old Paris, the new one has really beautiful eyes.

Also, please please please don't change Miracles character/model. She's my personal favorite and the one I'm going for, the other 2 are more of a bonus in my book.

Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents and wish you all the best with the game. I’ll wait a couple of updates before I give my verdict, but I feel the game has a lot of potential

Don't worry, Miracle isn't changing or going anywhere!

Personally, I'd actually prefer the focus to be on the sisters' disputes rather than the financial problems because the former seem realistic but the latter comes off as nonsensical. The idea of the MC potentially losing his house because he's months behind on his mortgage comes off as contrived drama because it's not realistic. He's paying his electricity, gas, mobile and internet bills each month, buying groceries, paying for his car, his daughter's tuition, and funding $200/mo water bills, but not paying his mortgage? Bullshit. Banks start foreclosure after six months of no payments, assuming you aren't in forbearance. Only a moron would pay all his other bills first and his mortgage last for the simple reason that half of those bills are dependent on having a house to live in and the other half would be considered luxuries in the face of homelessness. It's silliness.

The MC is barely managing all those bills you mentioned. And he had to pay for 3 girls' college tuitions, Miracle being the latest. As a current college student, I can tell you it ain't cheap. And people struggle with paying their mortgage regularly.

 

[Skylaroo]

The MC is barely managing all those bills you mentioned. And he had to pay for 3 girls' college tuitions, Miracle being the latest. As a current college student, I can tell you it ain't cheap. And people struggle with paying their mortgage regularly.

What he meant is that mortgage is a higher priority than electricity/gas/water/mobile/internet bills because there's no point paying those bills if mortgage is unpaid and losing the house (no house = no electricity/gas/water/etc). So it's illogical to be paying those bills at the expense of not paying the mortgage.

MC had to pay all 3 college tuitions? I was expecting they'd be drowning in murica's student loan death trap system lol.

 

[Deleted member 997153]

The MC is barely managing all those bills you mentioned. And he had to pay for 3 girls' college tuitions, Miracle being the latest. As a current college student, I can tell you it ain't cheap. And people struggle with paying their mortgage regularly.

As a college alumnus who has paid off his student loans and currently has a mortgage, I can tell you this writing is not realistic. No one would risk losing all the equity in their home by allowing it to go into foreclosure just so he could continue to pay $200/mo water bills and his daughter's tuition (Paris dropped out a year ago and Sasha postponed college. It's a single tuition he's paying). People have trouble paying their mortgages because they have lost their jobs or have catastrophic medical expenses or maintain a lifestyle they can't afford.

The MC's money troubles haven't been explained at all and make very little sense considering he's a salaried photographer with an employer. Salaried people typically don't have trouble paying their mortgage unless some existential event negatively affects their financial situation. If he were a freelance photographer who had difficulties finding new work, then perhaps that would be somewhat believable. But even then, freelancers are generally pretty good with money because of the punctuated nature of their income stream. Instead, the MC is maintaining the lifestyle to which his family is accustomed, not requiring his daughters to work or move-out, and splurging on trips to the mall for them. He's coming off as grossly irresponsible and financially incompetent.

The details that have been added to the story are actually undermining it because they don't add up. It would make a lot more sense to keep it simple: he's a freelancer who's been having trouble finding clients, the girls are aware that he's struggling, but didn't realize how badly, landing this new modeling contract could open new doors that could save his ass.

 

[JTsmoothhands]

Tried the demo and here's my impressions, typing as I go through the game:

4. I have no idea where the dev comes from, but toast with butter, fried eggs and bacon are not the definition of healthy cooking. I'm not going to lie, I'm tempted to give up at this point, but I will power through this because the dev promised me this game brings me the best of both worlds of gorgeous models (though Miracle's fangs already made me question this claim) and story (it's still early days so I don't know yet what's going to happen - UPDATE: there is no story happening in the demo ... what a huge disappointment).

Honestly the only thing I had trouble with in your review is that eggs and bacon aren't healthy.

 

[Deleted member 1412183]

What he meant is that mortgage is a higher priority than electricity/gas/water/mobile/internet bills because there's no point paying those bills if mortgage is unpaid and losing the house (no house = no electricity/gas/water/etc). So it's illogical to be paying those bills at the expense of not paying the mortgage.

MC had to pay all 3 college tuitions? I was expecting they'd be drowning in murica's student loan death trap system lol.

As a college alumnus who has paid off his student loans and currently has a mortgage, I can tell you this writing is not realistic. No one would risk losing all the equity in their home by allowing it to go into foreclosure just so he could continue to pay $200/mo water bills and his daughter's tuition (Paris dropped out a year ago and Sasha postponed college. It's a single tuition he's paying). People have trouble paying their mortgages because they have lost their jobs or have catastrophic medical expenses or maintain a lifestyle they can't afford.

The MC's money troubles haven't been explained at all and make very little sense considering he's a salaried photographer with an employer. Salaried people typically don't have trouble paying their mortgage unless some existential event negatively affects their financial situation. If he were a freelance photographer who had difficulties finding new work, then perhaps that would be somewhat believable. But even then, freelancers are generally pretty good with money because of the punctuated nature of their income stream. Instead, the MC is maintaining the lifestyle to which his family is accustomed, not requiring his daughters to work or move-out, and splurging on trips to the mall for them. He's coming off as grossly irresponsible and financially incompetent.

The details that have been added to the story are actually undermining it because they don't add up. It would make a lot more sense to keep it simple: he's a freelancer who's been having trouble finding clients, the girls are aware that he's struggling, but didn't realize how badly, landing this new modeling contract could open new doors that could save his ass.

The MC has delayed paying the mortgage to keep everything running smoothly, and has put everything squarely on his shoulders. Paris questions why he didn't turn to her for help, and he explains why. And he tells Sasha that she doesn't need a job, because he doesn't want to burden them either. He's been a single parent with three daughters, each that have attended college. Yes, they dropped out, but that paid tuition doesn't magically reappear. Though Miracle now going to school really fucked the money situation up. COLLEGE alone has me drowning and countless American in debt. But having three children is enough to have money struggles, as it is. Ask my mom Lol

 

[MrDL]

I probably should've caught up with the last couple pages but come on now, the bar isn't super high to be considered on the upper teir of AVN creators but Ptolemy is definitely there.

MC's "tentants" are going to start modeling for him aren't they? If there's impregnatation I would hope it's entirely optional and advoidable.

SuperWriter Just played version 0.1. I had already played through the demo twice, so after seeing the new Paris model for the first time, I started skipping ahead through the demo content of the story. If you rewrote a significant amount of it I'd be happy to go back and play through what I skipped.

I really liked the new stuff. Natural dialogue and humor, and I am genuinely looking forward to reading more of the story. I think Sasha is my favorite character so far, though Miracle is a close second. Sabrina is very interesting.

Why does Miracle still have the vampire fangs? Is that a running gag?

Can't say I'm feeling the new Paris model. She looks good in some screens, not as good in others.

The original model looks better by comparison, at least in my opinion. Better facial expressions at times. I'm guessing I'm in the minority there, that's cool.

The facial expression both models make when upset is off putting.

Blue hair doesn't seem to work as well with the newer model. I wasn't much of a fan of it with the original Paris at first, but looking back at screens now, it did work better with that model.

If you're going to stay with this newer version, please consider changing her hair color. Maybe to black? I don't think red would fit her character, just wouldn't seem right. Blonde definitely wouldn't work.

Once again, really looking forward to the next update. Please don't take my criticisms of Paris too harshly. I do hope you can rework her or at least change her hair color, but if you and Ptolemy decide not to, I'm still looking forward to playing through the game.

The old face reminds me of an Asian version of the plastic surgery addicted "cat woman" which I'm not going to post a pic of because I don't want to potentially kill anyone's ability to get an erection, even if temporary. The new one might've benefited from an extra tweak or two but still looks better IMO.

 

[Deleted member 997153]

The MC has delayed paying the mortgage to keep everything running smoothly, and has put everything squarely on his shoulders. Paris questions why he didn't turn to her for help, and he explains why. And he tells Sasha that she doesn't need a job, because he doesn't want to burden them either. He's been a single parent with three daughters, each that have attended college. Yes, they dropped out, but that paid tuition doesn't magically reappear. Though Miracle now going to school really fucked the money situation up. COLLEGE alone has me drowning and countless American in debt. But having three children is enough to have money struggles, as it is. Ask my mom Lol

I read the story, so I understand the justifications. I'm just saying they come off as unrealistic. To use your example (I hate to make it personal but you brought in the personal example, so I'll run with it), you took out loans to pay for college, but your mom didn't risk losing her house to pay for your college. That would make very little sense, especially if she was about to lose the house in your freshman first semester.

Even worse, the MC is trying to convince his daughter to live on campus when on-campus living costs typically run 2-4x the cost of tuition for public schools, depending on the state. This makes very little sense because he'll save at best hundreds of dollars if Miracle moves out only to pay thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars, for her to live at school.

It might be a good idea to consult some literature on personal finance because you're trying to make the MC's financial problems a central plot point. The problem is the details are coming off as uninformed so it's undercutting the narrative crisis you're trying to build with the MC. Unless you have the girls stage an intervention for the MC with Dave Ramsey in a later release, it's making the MC unsympathetic because he looks like a clueless dumb-ass due to the mess he's making of his life.

Anyway, I'll shut up now and see where you're taking this. Maybe you have an arc planned for the MC that will justify decisions on his part that don't make a lot of sense to me. In any event, I've voiced my concerns so I won't continue to belabor the point.

EDIT: Here's a relevant article about the points I'm trying to make -

You must be registered to see the links

 

[Deleted member 1412183]

I read the story, so I understand the justifications. I'm just saying they come off as unrealistic. To use your example (I hate to make it personal but you brought in the personal example, so I'll run with it), you took out loans to pay for college, but your mom didn't risk losing her house to pay for your college. That would make very little sense, especially if she was about to lose the house in your freshman first semester.

Even worse, the MC is trying to convince his daughter to live on campus when on-campus living costs typically run 2-4x the cost of tuition for public schools, depending on the state. This makes very little sense because he'll save at best hundreds of dollars if Miracle moves out only to pay thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars, for her to live at school.

It might be a good idea to consult some literature on personal finance because you're trying to make the MC's financial problems a central plot point. The problem is the details are coming off as uninformed so it's undercutting the narrative crisis you're trying to build with the MC. Unless you have the girls stage an intervention for the MC with Dave Ramsey in a later release, it's making the MC unsympathetic because he looks like a clueless dumb-ass due to the mess he's making of his life.

Anyway, I'll shut up now and see where you're taking this. Maybe you have an arc planned for the MC that will justify decisions on his part that don't make a lot of sense to me. In any event, I've voiced my concerns so I won't continue to belabor the point.

EDIT: Here's a relevant article about the points I'm trying to make -

You must be registered to see the links

I feel like the money troubles are realistic, but thanks for voicing your concerns. Hopefully you keep playing.

 

[Deleted member 1412183]

I probably should've caught up with the last couple pages but come on now, the bar isn't super high to be considered on the upper teir of AVN creators but Ptolemy is definitely there.

MC's "tentants" are going to start modeling for him aren't they? If there's impregnatation I would hope it's entirely optional and advoidable.


The old face reminds me of an Asian version of the plastic surgery addicted "cat woman" which I'm not going to post a pic of because I don't want to potentially kill anyone's ability to get an erection, even if temporary. The new one might've benefited from an extra tweak or two but still looks better IMO.

Lmao Thanks for not scarring us

 

[Small tits are best]

well it's got me hooked

 

[Teflonmike]

Excellent start to what looks to be a nice game... The renders are superb especially Sasha and Sabrina.. Other than the financial inconsistencies that others have mentioned, I'm pretty sure that any aspiring actress is not going to cover herself in tattoo's (Outside of the porn industry that is) because that would severely limit her possible roles... Just my two cents..

Despite the above I'm looking forward to the next release.

 

[Walter Victor]

it's making the MC unsympathetic because he looks like a clueless dumb-ass due to the mess he's making of his life.

Well he IS a 'clueless dumb-ass', or at least he is around his daughters, where he acts like a bumbling fool.

Regardless, I like where this game has gone so far, and will keep playing. The suspension-of-disbelief level hasn't risen to an intolerable amount for me. I can live with the MC's messed-up financial situation. Even intelligent people often make poor life decisions, even where personal finance is concerned.

We need to consider that the MC is a single parent who dotes on his daughters. It seems that he will do whatever it takes to make them happy and maintain their lifestyle, even though his decisions are often counterproductive. Just keep that in mind while you play the game, if you decide to do so.

Considering all that, I would greatly prefer that the developer push onward with what he has, rather than spend more time reworking the intro.

 

[Walter Victor]

Excellent start to what looks to be a nice game... The renders are superb especially Sasha and Sabrina.. Other than the financial inconsistencies that others have mentioned, I'm pretty sure that any aspiring actress is not going to cover herself in tattoo's (Outside of the porn industry that is) because that would severely limit her possible roles... Just my two cents..

Despite the above I'm looking forward to the next release.

Yeah, I would have given those tattoos to Paris. No one cares if a personal trainer is into body art. It will be difficult to cover those tattoos cosmetically.

 

[Avaron1974]

ah ok thanks that disappointing, I like the look of two of the girls but not the third, if you are forced with all of them I don't really have any interest in playing it.

It's going to be a long time until decisions matter with regards to the 3 main girls.

Chances are you'll do a bit of harmless flirting then stick some 80's disco on and do the horizontal dance with some random girls that mean nothing until finally getting it on with 1 or maybe all of the daughters.

Won't happen for months though.

VN 101, thou shalt not get jiggy with main girls until at least 90% of the player base has balls of blue. They other 10% are female and have no balls but still wonder where the good stuff is.

Point is, too early to know what's going to happen yet. Have a look in a few months.

 

[I'm Not Thea Lundgren!]

It's going to be a long time until decisions matter with regards to the 3 main girls.

Chances are you'll do a bit of harmless flirting then stick some 80's disco on and do the horizontal dance with some random girls that mean nothing until finally getting it on with 1 or maybe all of the daughters.

Won't happen for months though.

VN 101, thou shalt not get jiggy with main girls until at least 90% of the player base has balls of blue. They other 10% are female and have no balls but still wonder where the good stuff is.

Point is, too early to know what's going to happen yet. Have a look in a few months.

Harmless flirting and 80's disco is my schtick, are you telling me it doesn't work?

 

[Avaron1974]

Harmless flirting and 80's disco is my schtick, are you telling me it doesn't work?

Of course it works.

All it takes is between 1 and 2 years of harmless flirting and 80's disco and you should have amassed enough points for a quick handjob.

Progress.

 

[I'm Not Thea Lundgren!]

Of course it works.

All it takes is between 1 and 2 years of harmless flirting and 80's disco and you should have amassed enough points for a quick handjob.

Progress.

What would one have to do for more than a quick handjob? Asking for a friend.

 

[Walter Victor]

Will you guys be taking your act on the road? Where can I get tickets?

 

[Avaron1974]

What would one have to do for more than a quick handjob? Asking for a friend.

Ahh, now that takes 2 years of harmless flirting and 80's disco and top tier pledge on patreon.

After the quick handjob you'll unlock the hidden scene where the girl gives you a kiss on the cheek and lets you grope a boob.

She also thanks you for your continued support and will call you for another date.

One day.

Maybe.