what do you think needs to be changed? you're one of the few who doesn't like the script. so i think your thought could be valuable.
I actually dont think there is much that can be changed in terms the feeling the writer(s) think too much of their views on things, it feels more like the personality(or maybe worldview is a better word?) of the writer and I dont think you can change that. Suffice to say the writers world view randomly leaks heavily in between a lot of the heavily laden dialogue sequences(imo), the Mom seems to bring this out more in the dialogue but it kinda bleeds everywhere so it's hard to point out. Essentially, I would probably have to request the writer mute their worldview/opinions on things in order for me to feel different, since sometimes it feels like the MC talking and other times the writer is talking through the mc(but I'm not saying they SHOULD listen to me, just some it just rubs me the wrong way).
Some of the dialogue that just paints an impression of the writer(s) though:
Watching sports(dialogue with mom drinking game), Creepy guys(discussed at one of the book club events) that women should consider creepy, talking about healthy relationships not always needing sex(ironically during the pillow talk wtih mom)while having a sexual relationship with every girl in the game, and numerous other, smaller, comments on relationships throughout the dialogue with the ladies. It just came across like the writer was talking and not the MC when commenting on these subjects.
But if you want me to critique the actual script? The MC's reaction's seem wildly conflicting to how he responds verbally and emotionally to the girls vs how he acts with the girls physically, to the point of taking near 0 emotional responsibility. I know they are writing the MC as a passive person(sort of) but it almost gets creepy how he freaks out at times for the girls being aggressive or sexual while at the same time acquiescing to the girls physical advance(while also being aggressive physically himself).
Hell the chapter 6 freakout he had with Lucia was just mind boggling, specially considering he has been willing to be used as a sexual object consistently and willingly with other girls(and Lucia mind you) without complaint and considering HE was the one who started the sexual excursion it just comes off as very forced.
The MC just doesn't seem to have any emotional growth. He is always passive emotionally but aggressive physically seemingly forcing all the responsibility on the girls to the point of being creepy, consistently(I'm not sure if this is intentional or not). I understand the first few chapters being this way but he should have had some more...confidence or at least willing to step up more in his relationships emotionally. I'm not talking about becoming hardcore alpha, but there should be SOME growth with him taking the lead in relationships. He forces ALL the girls to practically make the 1st emotional move(outside of Mallory, I guess) while consistently making physical moves, it just is crazy that he hasn't grown, at all, since chapter 1 to the point it makes him seem a bit creepy.
Sometimes it feels like the writer(s) want to write the script like they(MC and girls) are all just being led by serendipity trying to fight their urges and other times it feels like they are trying to make the MC feel like a creep. I cant figure it out.
I say all this, but where the dialogue works it is so well done that it makes me forgive all the stuff I dont like(plus it helps the girls are hot and the circumstances are still entertaining on their own).
