You have a wonderful and unique game here, but I'm really glad that you're working on this because it's the kind of thing that takes the story from an A+ down to a B... Kinda like a really great car that constantly rattles and squeaks somewhere. You love the car, but just can't shake the feeling that something's not quite right.
In an effort to help out a little, these are some of the corrections that really stood out to me:
- Every example of "shell" should be "shall".
- Every example of "ruff" should be "rough".
- Whenever you're trying to say "he is"; as in "he is a great guy", "he is a sorcerer", "he is my boss", that's when you should contract to "he's".
- Whenever you're using a possessive; i.e. a thing that belongs to someone or is part of someone, that's when you use "his". So for example "this is his house", "she takes his hand", "his magic is too powerful".
- The same two rules above also apply to you're/your and they're/their.
Not that I want to complicate things further, but you could even leave those errors in place for a character like Sammy. Since it would make sense for him to speak a little rougher or strangely. Kinda like an accent in text form... But that would only work if all the other character conversations were cleaned up.
My last comment, and I don't know if it's just me but "Sorc" doesn't really come across as a cool abbreviation to me. In my head it sounds too much like "Sock", and it lacks the kind of respect/self-respect that comes with "Sorcerer" as a proper title. You're not calling the succubi "Sucs" for example, or the priest a "Pri"/"Pree", or the goddess a "Dessi"... "Sorc" feels wrong to me in the same way.
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More specific examples as I play through:
- "Silents" should be "Silence".
- "Wraith" should be "Wrath".
- "Mouth or two" should be "Month or two".
- "His still endanger" should be "He's still in danger".
- (plus other examples where "endanger" should be "in danger")
- "Bits off more" should be "Bites off more".
- "Enjoy bounding time" should be "Enjoy bonding time".
- "When I met him" should be "When I meet him".
- "Liked I tell you" should be "Like I'd tell you".
- "Willing hands you over" should be "Willingly hands you over".
Finished playing the current build. If it would help I could go back to the beginning again and do that properly... I kinda stopped playing half way through to come here and check the thread, so I didn't really make notes on the first half.