Ren'Py Completed Toro 7 [Ep. 7] [Tora Productions]

[Dysphorika]

I don't mean this as criticism, because it's really nitpicky, but I don't think any Swede who served in Försvarsmakten would say that, honestly. It's the name of the government branch that organises the army, the navy, and the air force. It's not comparable to the marine corps - more like saying he trabajado para el defense department, without translating it.

I certainly wouldn't have noticed if I didn't speak Swedish, though.

If you put it like this, looks like a bad translation (like using a program to translate a videogame or a bad fansub).

 

[Praenuntius]

The bigger question I have regarding Johans introduction is, would an actual person do it like that?

Most people would get "I was a Marine/Ranger/Sniper" or "I was in the Delta Force/Seal Team". How would someone outside the US Military introduce himself?

I think I would go with something like "I was a Kampfschwimmer, which is Germany's special forces team of the Navy. Like the Seals in the USA.". I wouldn't go with "I was a member of the Kommando Spezialkräfte der Marine." especially not without explaining what you could compare this with.

 

[Tlaero]

I actually was just looking for the equivalent of "Armed Forces." He wouldn't brag about being in an elite unit (and he wasn't in one). In this scene, he's pointing out that he mostly did guard duty, but that it was still important.

Tlaero

 

[Tlaero]

If you put it like this, looks like a bad translation (like using a program to translate a videogame or a bad fansub).

Or, me not being careful enough in my research...

Tlaero

 

[Praenuntius]

The bigger question I have regarding Johans introduction is, would an actual person do it like that?

So pretty much what I feared.

I actually was just looking for the equivalent of "Armed Forces."

You have Johan saying: "Guard duty is important. I did a lot of it when I was in Försvarsmakten. And now you guard us. It is worthy job." But wouldn't any normal person say "I did a lot of it when I was in (Swedish) military."?

It's just a really minor point and in the grand sheme of the story most likely unimportant, but for me it just seems... I don't know... outside the flow? or just not easily believable

Nevertheless if you want "swedish armed forces" then "Försvarsmakten" is correct.

 

[bacienvu88]

Nevertheless if you want "swedish armed forces" then "Försvarsmakten" is correct.

Yeah, the official translation on the English version of their homepage is "Swedish Armed Forces".

You must be registered to see the links

 

[bingolebongo]

A Swede would likely just say "in the army/navy/air force" or similar. Bear in mind that Sweden has a far smaller military involvement than most other western countries, so the terminology of distinction isn't really used as much as it is in e.g. the US. The suggestion of _kustjägarna_ (lit. "the coast hunters") above is pretty good, though. It's roughly equivalent to a navy SEAL. But ultimately what he'd say depends, of course, on what you want his background to be.

 

[Tlaero]

Here was my thought process:
1) Johan is a Swede.
2) Strangely, Johan speaks with a Russian accent.

I wanted people to pick up on that strangeness, so I used what I thought was the word for the Swedish Armed Forces, since he was in them. I succeeded in that people picked up on the strangeness. I failed in that I didn't use a valid word.

I'll have to think about what I want to do with this. I had a much more embarrassing mistake in Ep0 that I went back and changed/fixed when I released Ep1. So I'm clearly willing to retcon this kind of thing away.

Tlaero

 

[Praenuntius]

A pretty easy way to fix that, would be to let him "forget" the english word Navy temporarily, so he mumbles "Svenska marinen" before remembering and saying Navy. If "Svenska marinen" doesn't sound good enough, then "örlogsflotta" would be an alternative, but I don't know how often this term is used.

I used Navy because Johan is the Dive Officer, so I think it would make the most sense regarding previous experience.

 

[Cabin Fever]

Here was my thought process:
1) Johan is a Swede.
2) Strangely, Johan speaks with a Russian accent.

I wanted people to pick up on that strangeness, so I used what I thought was the word for the Swedish Armed Forces, since he was in them. I succeeded in that people picked up on the strangeness. I failed in that I didn't use a valid word.

I'll have to think about what I want to do with this. I had a much more embarrassing mistake in Ep0 that I went back and changed/fixed when I released Ep1. So I'm clearly willing to retcon this kind of thing away.

Tlaero

Ok now I have to ask, what was the Ep0 mistake that was fixed?

 

[bingolebongo]

Here was my thought process:
1) Johan is a Swede.
2) Strangely, Johan speaks with a Russian accent.

I wanted people to pick up on that strangeness, so I used what I thought was the word for the Swedish Armed Forces, since he was in them. I succeeded in that people picked up on the strangeness. I failed in that I didn't use a valid word.

I'll have to think about what I want to do with this. I had a much more embarrassing mistake in Ep0 that I went back and changed/fixed when I released Ep1. So I'm clearly willing to retcon this kind of thing away.

Tlaero

It's no big deal. I'm just happy I noticed both the wrong accent and the word. Feel free to ask if you need any input on the Swedish.

 

[Tlaero]

Ok now I have to ask, what was the Ep0 mistake that was fixed?

Originally, Aisha and Denver were fixing a "manifest" instead of a "manifold."

That was my stressful day job pushing its way into my spare time.

Tlaero

 

[Praenuntius]

Originally, Aisha and Denver were fixing a "manifest" instead of a "manifold."

so you stopped them from giving a false confession?

 

[Fortuna ღ]

Firstly, I really love your work! I came across Finding Miranda a few years ago via one of my friends during exam week at uni. Without going too deep into it, you're(Tlaero) a significant part of the reason why I'm even on this site lol. Now, for the criticisms:

• The dialogue is great, but it would be even better with indications of who is talking. Several times during my playthrough, I'd wondered whether or not my MC was the one speaking or if it were another character talking to her. Perhaps you should play different visual novels and look at how they have their dialogues set up? It makes it easier to follow. Also, it would better display the character's voice. As it stands currently, it reads too much like a novel. I've noticed that many of these games apply the same basic principles that playwriting and screenwriting employ in regards to how their dialogue is set up. For example, instead of saying "she says" or "he says", you can simply set it up as "Mali: says this", "Denver: says that". You know, like a real conversation with some back and forth. When the MC has their thoughts about whatever, it'll be pretty obvious at that point. That is the only major flaw in this game. Everything else following this is varying degrees of minor.
• You've done a great job with everything else, although I am questioning why Johan, a swede, is speaking English with a Russian accent. That was a bit odd to me. They speak English very differently(and it's sometimes hilarious to hear it lol).

These are the only critiques that I can think of at the moment. A major improvement(so far) from your previous work in my opinion. I really can't wait to see where this story goes. I really love the subtle nods to Lovecraft in this story as well. Hope this project sees much success in the future! Keep kicking ass luvღ

 

[Tlaero]

Thank you, Lady Fortuna.

I specifically don't enjoy the "script format" that most of these games use. I would prefer that games read like novels. I know that my style bucks the trend and that I limit my audience as a result, but that's true on many different levels. I've got to write things that I like though, because if I don't, who will?

That said, if it's hard to tell who is saying what, then I'm not doing my style well enough. I'll work on making it better/more clear. Thanks for the feedback!

As for the Swede with the Russian accent, I wanted people to notice that and think it's strange. You'll have an opportunity to learn more about why that is in Ep2.

By the way, we're getting pretty close on Ep2. The main script is done and so is the artwork. I've got to test it, clean it up a bit, and smooth out some rough edges. And I've got to give my localizers some time with the final product (they're currently working on an early draft).

Tlaero

 

[Canto Forte]

Hy there.
This is the perspective of a fan for many years,
those years where the gaming was terrible but the art and the story was fantastic.

Now you got a propper game ingine that is well received the world over.
This engine that powers your latest game is most compliant with the way you do things:
There are beautiful renders cooked in advance, the story gets written on the side,
then they all come together in a game.

A game is like a movie - it will have to dramatize and cut a lot of words and beautiful exposition
to make any sense as a visual experience that entices and compels the gamer.

Should you watch the documentaries about huge game studios for assassin creed or mass effect
or witcher or any other world building + character heavy + story rich blockbuster game,
you would find out the huge amount of work from writers and artists that is adjacent,
tripple the size than what we get as a finished game, that never makes it in the game itself,
but it makes the trimmed gaming experience fabulous.

A novel should be double or tripple the size of the game scripts,
your writing has nothing to do with the game itself,
because if you approach it like a novel,
all your descriptions - several pages long expositions - will have to become a couple of beautiful +
terribly suggestive and compelling renders.

I would prefer that games read like novels.

Games never read anything. Games are interactive.
You lose the interactive aspect, you lose the players.
Games need to engage and compel players to keep gaming, not reading.

I've got to write things that I like though, because if I don't, who will?

Writing is the backbone of story telling,
but you have ta be this wonderful word wizard to translate your writing into dialogue.

Keep writing the beautiful stories and let games take shape from the essence of your writings.

 

[cxx]

Games never read anything. Games are interactive.
You lose the interactive aspect, you lose the players.
Games need to engage and compel players to keep gaming, not reading.

well some like kinetic novels.

 

[Canto Forte]

This game starts with a choice of gender that changes the whole gaming experience,
so this game is not that kinetic you can exchange it to a novel.

 

[cxx]

This game starts with a choice of gender that changes the whole gaming experience,
so this game is not that kinetic you can exchange it to a novel.

i know that but there is big enuf fanbase for kns that those are made (this isn't kn ofc).

 

[Canto Forte]

This writing is so heartwarming and inclusive this game sparks butterflies in the belly.
How can anyone be so confident and witty to display such awesome levels of good vibes in those around?