I realize this is completed, but I did want to note that there's a serious overuse of commas ( that may change, I'm in Chapter 3 now).
If it's helpful - in English at least, commas tend to indicate some sort of pause. Often this separates logical chunks of a sentence. In my first sentence above, "I realize this is completed" describes what is to come, but has no direct impact on the part about commas. One would pause to indicate a change in what the sentence is about.
With some of the commas you've ... put in, the dialog can ... sound like a William Shatner impersonator. (Very jarring when the speaker is an attractive young woman!).
Just an FYI.
