VN Ren'Py Completed A Reflection In Your Eyes [Final] [StateOfMind]

[S.O.M.]

I'll be honest, I didn't even get to the second day before I downloaded the gallery mod, because I didn't enjoy the script, so I wanted to "get to the point". While there is not too much to complain about in the grammatical sense (or should I say not as much?), the writing style itself is extremely wordy and convoluted... coming from me that's, uh, something.

Example (these are all successive sentences):

"The first thing I decided to do was check for new mail."
"I'm checking my mails first."

"My father sent me an email marked *Interesting fact about Grimson Mountains.*."
"Hmm, an email from dad titled *Interesting fact about Grimson Mountains.*."

"Our parents are not exactly ordinary people."
"Our parents are a bit unusual."

"I mean that their field of activity is to some extent unique and narrowly focused."
"I mean, their occupations are somewhat niche / out of the ordinary."

"My mother works as a pharmacist and even at the university attracted the attention of teachers. Her success and incredible interest in what she does led to the fact that mother was able to quickly find a job."
"My mom is a pharmacist. Her incredible interest for the field even attracted the attention of her Uni teachers. No wonder she was able to find a job quickly."

"In the future, her career progressed rapidly."
"Soon, ...."

"As far as I know, she works in one of the best medical laboratories."
"Now she works in one of the best medical laboratories."

"The father, in turn, can not boast of a stable career growth."
"My dad however can not boast about his career."

"He is a scientific researcher. He likes to study various historical facts and events that are subject to great doubts."
"As a scientific researcher, he likes to study disputed historical facts and events."

"But he's definitely not a historian."
first sentence that doesn't need to be altered

and so on...

See what I mean? Almost all of the script could use a thorough debloating. And even when it is debloated, the aforementioned example monologue still remains just a dry, almost uninteresting info dump, that goes against the most basic tenet of storytelling, "show, don't tell". I would never have a main character have more than four sentences of inner monologue in one go, it's just not good writing if the main character narrates their own life.

Ok, let's say you have no way around needing to tell all this through the MC's inner monologue. Tell all this exactly prior to the situation where this becomes relevant, not before. Do we really need to know at the end of day 1 that mom is a pharmacist, dad is a researcher so we can go to sleep? I don't think so...

Hey! About mom and dad - this was needed for the plot.
I completely agree with you on everything else. I have written too much unnecessary text and I have noticed it for a long time. I can say that I am learning from my mistakes and in future projects I hope that I will not repeat my mistake. Thank you very much for your explanation and comment about my text! I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

 

[S.O.M.]

About the gallery - a large number of scenes are not included in the gallery. You can open them only by playing the game.
Only animated scenes included into the gallery.

 

[Anthony26]

That link for android does it has full apk file or only contains ep 6 cause it shows 80 mb file

 

[FookU2]

Is the blonde supposed to look cross-eyed? That would make sense with the title, I guess. lol just checking

 

[S.O.M.]

Is the blonde supposed to look cross-eyed? That would make sense with the title, I guess. lol just checking

Maybe I should change the main pic

 

[FaceCrap]

It started out somewhat ok, but the farther I got into it the less I got to like it... the fact that models are completely separated from the background and overlayed instead of actually part of the scene totally breaks the immersion for me... also many times the dialogue refers to a character being in a scene and all you get is the scene background and the referred to character nowhere to be seen.

Apart from that, what's this getting forced to playthrough with just one of the 5 characters you meet about? (sister, teacher and the 3 other girls in your class)? Not only do none of the other characters appear in those separate playthroughs, it also feels totally disconnected from the first part where you get to interact with all of them... it feels like totally separated stories (apart from the fact you know how the MC ended up there)

Sadly this made me decide to not continue with this game... being forced to pick one of the 5 girls I could live with as long as the others would still be a part of that storyline and if models actually would be part of the scenes instead of just overlayed on top.

 

[OVERLORD24]

Is save from episode 2 OK??!!??

 

[S.O.M.]

Is save from episode 2 OK??!!??

For ep6 - yes

 

[S.O.M.]

Chapter 3 is out for

You must be registered to see the links

.
I will release it here at Saturday.
Also, I will need to fix OP because of very much changes in game (first of all I need to fix download links to help people understand what to download).

Spoiler

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[lionarslan]

I get that dev writes from the heart not from the mind. But that text is hella confusing, to tell it's really mild. MC announces that college is 10 minutes walk (in my walk speed it's something less than 1km, real walking distance, I will wait for a bus longer than that), he walks in college, meet couple of girls on the way then his teacher inside college and it's said that sun is already set and MC goes for the bus. It's 1 or 2 minutes drive (don't count the waiting time), but he's still goes for the bus. And MC's sister is irritated then, food is getting cold. She prepared it 10 minutes ago and his brother is not ready to eat it (you can calculate all the timings, numbers are there). The next day MC and his sister goes right to the bus. To drive for for 1 or 2 minutes. Instead of walking for 10 minutes. And bus is always where people need it, it never late.
Next one, MC's parents. Father is scientist that explore not-so-ordinary historical facts. The next sentence about him: "The father is spineless and weak-willed". OK, I can imagine a man that never met any scientists. But I cannot imagine a man knows not even one cliche about scientists. If a man makes science his field of application he's at least not spineless or weak-willed. 'Cause such man can never prove anything even remotely scientific. There's no scientist without will.
And that contradictions goes on and on. I see dev writing's has a style, it's pleasant to read, but troubles with logic and common sense kill all the pleasure. I read only for day one but I needed to make a break after that, too many things made my eyes hurt.
And yeah, someone before me already said about too much repeating in text. I won't repeat it, he's right about it. But without repeating it's really poor text with self-explanatory sentences.
And couple of sentences about MC. It's good that MC is not a clean state, he has some kind of personality. It's really bad his personality is of a sorry whiner.
S.O.M., I like your creation in general but please use someone attentive as beta-reader, your text is full of logical mistakes that you can correct easily.

 

[underoath27]

So, no harem tag? Do you plan to add later or not? S.O.M.

 

[S.O.M.]

I get that dev writes from the heart not from the mind. But that text is hella confusing, to tell it's really mild. MC announces that college is 10 minutes walk (in my walk speed it's something less than 1km, real walking distance, I will wait for a bus longer than that), he walks in college, meet couple of girls on the way then his teacher inside college and it's said that sun is already set and MC goes for the bus. It's 1 or 2 minutes drive (don't count the waiting time), but he's still goes for the bus. And MC's sister is irritated then, food is getting cold. She prepared it 10 minutes ago and his brother is not ready to eat it (you can calculate all the timings, numbers are there). The next day MC and his sister goes right to the bus. To drive for for 1 or 2 minutes. Instead of walking for 10 minutes. And bus is always where people need it, it never late.
Next one, MC's parents. Father is scientist that explore not-so-ordinary historical facts. The next sentence about him: "The father is spineless and weak-willed". OK, I can imagine a man that never met any scientists. But I cannot imagine a man knows not even one cliche about scientists. If a man makes science his field of application he's at least not spineless or weak-willed. 'Cause such man can never prove anything even remotely scientific. There's no scientist without will.
And that contradictions goes on and on. I see dev writing's has a style, it's pleasant to read, but troubles with logic and common sense kill all the pleasure. I read only for day one but I needed to make a break after that, too many things made my eyes hurt.
And yeah, someone before me already said about too much repeating in text. I won't repeat it, he's right about it. But without repeating it's really poor text with self-explanatory sentences.
And couple of sentences about MC. It's good that MC is not a clean state, he has some kind of personality. It's really bad his personality is of a sorry whiner.
S.O.M., I like your creation in general but please use someone attentive as beta-reader, your text is full of logical mistakes that you can correct easily.

Hey! Thanks for your words! I absolutely agree with you! I have very much problems with logic in this game. Today i will release new version as a new file, you should try it, maybe the story will be more interesting in this parts Also, one of my patrons helping me with proofreading. He fixed old eps and new chapters. But i will release changes for ep 1-6 later, like a big patch.
Maybe the problem with my text is that im a russian and very often I find it difficult to explain my thoughts on english. But now, proofreader helping me with english and I learned some new words and sentences from him, this is cool.

So, no harem tag? Do you plan to add later or not? S.O.M.

I have a group sex in plans, for sure. But harem, I can promise nothing.

 

[BlasKyau]

I have a group sex in plans, for sure. But harem, I can promise nothing.

I guess if you add it one day I'll give the game a try.

Until then, thanks for the game and good luck.

 

[DarkSithLord47]

So do i need to download and play the prologue first or the latest update?

 

[S.O.M.]

So do i need to download and play the prologue first or the latest update?

The prologue not necessary. But you can play it for Ellie's content. Just use walkthrough mod that I build in game.

 

[fishbrain]

So was everything up to now considered the prologue and Ch3 is standalone or am I missing something? Even if we have to replay it's early enough that isn't much of an inconvenience, plus I've only really played Bella's content aside from Ellie and I'm happy to roll through that again! Frequency of updates remains great!!

 

[Boehser Onkel]

The prologue not necessary. But you can play it for Ellie's content. Just use walkthrough mod that I build in game.

thats a .... interesting move to split the game

 

[S.O.M.]

So was everything up to now considered the prologue and Ch3 is standalone or am I missing something? Even if we have to replay it's early enough that isn't much of an inconvenience, plus I've only really played Bella's content aside from Ellie and I'm happy to roll through that again! Frequency of updates remains great!!

Yeah, old eps was a prologue. As I said early (I think it was in discord for patrons), Ellie is a main LI in the game. All the plot about her, Hera and Zale. Now Im working only on this characters. Another girls will be in dlc (if after finishing this game patrons will want a continuation of other girls story). Many reasons indicated that all the girls, except for Ellie, almost are not interesting to anyone. And I will be honest, I only enjoy creating events for Ellie, Hera and Zale. Starting from this chapter, you will play the game that I originally intended.

 

[Boehser Onkel]

S.O.M.

 

[Look-see]

Ellie & Zale love points mean they'll hook up with each other?

aside from that yeah ima agree with others who say having to choose between ellie and the other girls sucks. even worse that it doesnt matter cause the girls from prologue dont even show up in the new stuff so it's like. whats the point?

either way. i tried the game, saw that a harem wasnt gonna happen and now ima move on.