VN Ren'Py Completed Avalon [v8.2] [Lockheart]

[Lockheart]

Well, the joke right at the beginning is right up my alley already.
And I know the "ease dropped" thing wasn't intentional, but it made me laugh nonetheless.

Okay, I like the humour, I like the quips, but the constant barrage of them is just a bit too much. It started to get on my nerves pretty fast. Which is bad, because it chipped away at the sympathy I felt for the characters.

Some of your spelling errors or wrong words were hilariously funny (see ease dropped above), some were just weird.
I am not sure I know what Byron wanted to tell his godawful sister when they went to pick up Ava's stuff.
"You are encouragable" WTH is that supposed to mean?

All in all, it was fun. It wasn't badly written, though the writing did feel a bit awkward at times, the renders are alright, Dallas and Avalon are cute as buttons.
It was fun playing and I'm looking forward to more.

There are a few thing, like the constant banter, that weren't that great.

I don't mind the rape story, but why is the rapist black? Seems like a weird coincidence that the crazy father and daughter duo are the only black characters in there. I'm not accussing you of anything, but that was honestly what I was wondering once he appeared.

Also, the guy acts like some sort of b-film villain, the whole thing with him knowing Byron and being proud of what he did, tranquing the guy and all, that just seemed so OTT and you seemed to be going for a relatively grounded story.

The last thing would be that the moods of the characters swing too fast, they seem to go from one extreme to the next in a way too short time.

Don't get me wrong. I think this is a strong first effort and I am glad I played it.
Please consider seeing this as constructive criticism, you decided not to go for a straight porn story and as such of course the story-telling will be under a bit harder judgement.

Ah, the word is supposed to be Incorrigible. Thank you for that catch! I'll make the adjustment for the next Act.

I know Evans had a small part to play so far, but he's actually supposed to have a larger role later. That's why he had his own song. The decision for Tyler to be black was simply because this was a great model to work with. Large, intimidating, strong features. He's just a beast.

I also expected Penny to be more popular but nobody has mentioned her at all. I'm starting to understand a lot better what people are interested in and I'll make those adjustments going forward. Feedback is so important, I really appreciate it!

 

[botc76]

Just remember the only one you need to please is yourself, its your story you tell it the way you want to.

I really don't think most people write a story just to please themselves.
They want people to enjoy and like them, to be inspired by them, to feel the stories resonant with them.
If you write a story just for yourself, you are actually a bit of a pompous twat more often than not.
Self-aggrandizing circle jerk is often what comes of it, best example being stuff like "Dual Family," which people who have no clue what good writing is, see as deep and which is really just a guy in love with his own "creative" farts.

 

[botc76]

Ah, the word is supposed to be Incorrigible. Thank you for that catch! I'll make the adjustment for the next Act.

I know Evans had a small part to play so far, but he's actually supposed to have a larger role later. That's why he had his own song. The decision for Tyler to be black was simply because this was a great model to work with. Large, intimidating, strong features. He's just a beast.

I also expected Penny to be more popular but nobody has mentioned her at all. I'm starting to understand a lot better what people are interested in and I'll make those adjustments going forward. Feedback is so important, I really appreciate it!

IDK, with Penny, I usually follow the rule don't stick your dick in crazy and I seriously don't like her hurting people because they wanted to hire a prostitute, that makes her completely unsympathetic for me.
Not because I constantly hire prostitutes, but because I think it's not a crime and shouldn't be punished, as long as you treat sexworkers with respect.

 

[Jimbog]

I really liked the story up until the final part........it just seemed to go from a grounded story to something weird, that wasn't necessary for a good story. I also agree with Botc76 that the banter got to be too much. Still I love the characters (Dallas and Octavia are my favs) and like the fact that the author is exploring different areas.

 

[Jimbog]

Re Penny.................She's kind of creepy.

 

[bombten]

Sooo...the Models are super hot, but it says "After moving in with her Uncle, they find solace in each other and rediscover their sexuality. " but the tag is No Sexual Content? Sooo....will there be any sexual content further down the line?

 

[TheCrimsonRevenger]

No sexual content right now, or ever?

 

[Fenix34]

For the people complaining about no sexual content...i highly recommend playing this update, it will give you a very clear idea if its something you want to play or not. This doesnt seem to be and absolutely shouldnt be a fuck fest. So if thats what youre looking for go elsewhere.

Regarding the game, I had a great time playing it. Its actually pretty hilarious, matches my sarcastic humor so I could relate. Ranging from funny moments to some honestly rather intense moments it actually keeps you well engaged while still flashing you some great tits along the way. Its set up to be a slow ramp up of their relationship but seems like there will be an earlier outlet in the super sexy side character dallas. (whos super sexy and playful.) Theres even a hot representative at the end who made me appreciate this game even more. I think I found my new game to follow and def look forward to where this goes.

tl:dr - came for the fap, stayed for the story.

ps: I wouldnt be opposed to your representative showing up at the end of each update, and maybe wearing a little less each time.

 

[Madridfan]

This is a quiet nice story and game for me,i really like it,keep it up!

Spoiler: delicious

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[Alfius]

First of...wow..the game looks awesome.

As a rule I don't play games until it's at least 6 months old. I do this as a rule to protect myself.
1) A lot of games starts of with a bang and then gets abandoned. By sticking out at least for 6 months, the percentage of games that gets abandoned drops significantly.
2) I get very impatient and frustrated with a very short story and then waiting months for the story to be told. GRRM, I'm looking at you.

Having said, your game looks awesome. Will definitely play in a couple of month's time.

I really don't think most people write a story just to please themselves.
They want people to enjoy and like them, to be inspired by them, to feel the stories resonant with them.
If you write a story just for yourself, you are actually a bit of a pompous twat more often than not.
Self-aggrandizing circle jerk is often what comes of it, best example being stuff like "Dual Family," which people who have no clue what good writing is, see as deep and which is really just a guy in love with his own "creative" farts.

Disagree with this 100%. A writer should write what they want to and not give a fuck about anyone else.
Dual Family was actually good. People are not mad because of his writing, people are mad because the game has been in limbo for almost 2 years now.

Obviously, a writer wants people to enjoy his work. But the readers must fall in with what the writer wrote. No successful Novelist asks his fans what he must write.

 

[botc76]

Disagree with this 100%. A writer should write what they want to and not give a fuck about anyone else.
Dual Family was actually good. People are not mad because of his writing, people are mad because the game has been in limbo for almost 2 years now.

Obviously, a writer wants people to enjoy his work. But the readers must fall in with what the writer wrote. No successful Novelist asks his fans what he must write.

Lol. No one is mad because the writing in Dual Family sucks, of course not. If the writing is bad, you just don't play the game any more.
And no, it's not "actually good" it's a contrived, pretentious, emo-shitshow. It's fake-deep, pretend-soulsearching, it's an attempt to write"Sturm und Drang," while not having the literary skills. It's Twilight if Twilight was a story about incest and not about emasculated sparkly vampires and male stripper looking like werewolves. That's how bad it is.


Also, this is a nice "artistic" view that a writer should write what they want, but it's bullshit.
What good would writing things be for any writer, if no one enjoyed it? Outside from maybe some therapeutic experiences?
I'm writing myself, what good would my writing be if no one ever saw it?
Of course I write MY stories, but I WANT people to enjoy them, not read them and be pissed or think they are bad or stupid.

The problem with your view is that it is too extreme, just like the other option that writers should follow every whim of their readership.
In reality it is a balance. You tell your stories, BUT you write them not only for yourself, but also for your readers, players, viewers or whatever.
Do you think any published writer, just writes what he or she wants? Writers don't always think of the best ways to tell a story, or to reach many people, that's what editors are there for. That's why you have people read your stuff before it's published, to tell you what works and what doesn't, because frankly, many writers have their heads up their own arses and don't realize when they steer wrong.

My point wasn't that writers shouldn't tell their own story, it was that they should DEFINITELY NOT just listen to themselves while doing so. And again, even if you think they SHOULD only write for themselves, they just fucking DON'T, BECAUSE THEY WANT others to enjoy it, to read it, watch it, play it, to experience the child of their creativity
Because of that, the idea that they write only for themselves, isn't thinking the development of a story through to the end.
Without feedback, you simply don't know if your work is any good.
Writers aren't gods or infallible, they are human like we all are, they need advice too, they fuck up, they go on weird, irrelevant trips instead of focusing their narrative. THEY NEED FEEDBACK AND THEY WANT PEOPLE TO ENJOY THEIR WORK.
That means no man is an island.

 

[Alfius]

Lol. No one is mad because the writing in Dual Family sucks, of course not. If the writing is bad, you just don't play the game any more.
And no, it's not "actually good" it's a contrived, pretentious, emo-shitshow. It's fake-deep, pretend-soulsearching, it's an attempt to write"Sturm und Drang," while not having the literary skills. It's Twilight if Twilight was a story about incest and not about emasculated sparkly vampires and male stripper looking like werewolves. That's how bad it is.


Also, this is a nice "artistic" view that a writer should write what they want, but it's bullshit.
What good would writing things be for any writer, if no one enjoyed it? Outside from maybe some therapeutic experiences?
I'm writing myself, what good would my writing be if no one ever saw it?
Of course I write MY stories, but I WANT people to enjoy them, not read them and be pissed or think they are bad or stupid.

The problem with your view is that it is too extreme, just like the other option that writers should follow every whim of their readership.
In reality it is a balance. You tell your stories, BUT you write them not only for yourself, but also for your readers, players, viewers or whatever.
Do you think any published writer, just writes what he or she wants? Writers don't always think of the best ways to tell a story, or to reach many people, that's what editors are there for. That's why you have people read your stuff before it's published, to tell you what works and what doesn't, because frankly, many writers have their heads up their own arses and don't realize when they steer wrong.

My point wasn't that writers shouldn't tell their own story, it was that they should DEFINITELY NOT just listen to themselves while doing so. And again, even if you think they SHOULD only write for themselves, they just fucking DON'T, BECAUSE THEY WANT others to enjoy it, to read it, watch it, play it, to experience the child of their creativity
Because of that, the idea that they write only for themselves, isn't thinking the development of a story through to the end.
Without feedback, you simply don't know if your work is any good.
Writers aren't gods or infallible, they are human like we all are, they need advice to, they fuck up, they go on weird, irrelevant trips instead of focusing their narrative. THEY NEED FEEDBACK AND THEY WANT PEOPLE TO ENJOY THEIR WORK.
That means no man is an island.

Well "Actually good" was relative to other games on here at the time. There are a lot of games I enjoy here, but in good writing comparable to say LOTR, GOT etc. Then no, none of the games really is really comparable. (Luna's story was pretty good though). Even Twilight in my mind is relatively good. No masterpiece for sure, but there is a reason that is was so popular when it came out.

I have read books and played games on here that was pretty bad and most of them are pretty average. So in comparison with the average game on here, the writing in Dual Family in my view, was actually pretty good.

In terms of feedback, sure a writer needs feedback, especially pointing out some glaring errors or inaccuracies. But listening to feedback on this forum in my view is not a good idea and is quickly turning into one of my pet peeves around here. I just saw what happened "My Sister, My Roommate". First of I do not think Avaron was right "pressuring" the Dev to keep MC out of relationship with his sister and the subsequent backlash when the story end was just as bad. I will never know how the story would have gone if the dev just decided to write his own story.

Any story with just a hint of cheating, braking up of relationships, and people just goes mad, screams NTR and jump on the dev to change his mind. Honestly that makes me sick. It's like half the people on here have not being living in the real world or are still 12 years old. The same thing happened in Haley's Story. Luckily the Dev stuck to his guns. Imagine DrPinkCakes changing Acting Lessons?

So my final thought on feedback for devs is, stick to your story. If someone makes a valid point you agree with and think it will improve your story, by all means go for it. But be careful, some of the best guys on here just do their own thing. The Deluca Family, The Gates Motel rarely let the players dictate the course of the story.

 

[ontach]

IDK, with Penny, I usually follow the rule don't stick your dick in crazy

LOL That was my favourite part of My Sister My Roommate. That blond tree hugging weirdo chick was absolutely nuts, and absolutely delightful. Things got kind of boring when she went out of the game. In real life, of course, that rule is pure gold.

 

[a1fox3]

No sexual content right now, or ever?

https://f95zone.to/threads/avalon-act-3-lockheart.44397/page-4#post-2940435
https://f95zone.to/threads/avalon-act-3-lockheart.44397/page-4#post-2940515

 

[Kavy]

There is only one choice you can make throughout the whole thing, certainly not my cup of tea.

 

[ontach]

There is only one choice you can make throughout the whole thing, certainly not my cup of tea.

Look out for the [VN] tag - most of them are like this. VN = visual novel.

 

[a1fox3]

There is only one choice you can make throughout the whole thing, certainly not my cup of tea.

I guess you have no idea what a "Kinetic Novel" means so here it is.
Kinetic Novel [Used when a a visual novel style game presents the player with no choices.]

Look out for the [VN] tag - most of them are like this. VN = visual novel.

Visual Novel does not mean no choices its just a style.

 

[Lockheart]

For the people complaining about no sexual content...i highly recommend playing this update, it will give you a very clear idea if its something you want to play or not. This doesnt seem to be and absolutely shouldnt be a fuck fest. So if thats what youre looking for go elsewhere.

Regarding the game, I had a great time playing it. Its actually pretty hilarious, matches my sarcastic humor so I could relate. Ranging from funny moments to some honestly rather intense moments it actually keeps you well engaged while still flashing you some great tits along the way. Its set up to be a slow ramp up of their relationship but seems like there will be an earlier outlet in the super sexy side character dallas. (whos super sexy and playful.) Theres even a hot representative at the end who made me appreciate this game even more. I think I found my new game to follow and def look forward to where this goes.

tl:dr - came for the fap, stayed for the story.

ps: I wouldnt be opposed to your representative showing up at the end of each update, and maybe wearing a little less each time.

I've got a thing for women in armor. It's an unusual kink but it's my kink. But I will definitely take this into consideration! Maybe I can find some different types of plate mail for her. Thank you for playing!

There is only one choice you can make throughout the whole thing, certainly not my cup of tea.

That's OK! I totally respect that decision! I didn't want to make a game where there are a bunch of decisions that don't mean anything and I didn't want to make a game with so many branching story lines that I couldn't keep up or ever finish the story. A Kinetic Novel for my first story is a great way to ease into making visual novels. I hope you'll reconsider! But if not, that's alright too.

 

[Darthjake]

Saw exhibition, and got excited, saw kinetic novel and got depressed. Saw no sexual content and got really depressed.

Well, hopefully you will grow into VNs or RPG type games. Good Luck!

 

[DefNotATroll]

I skipped over this one because it was tagged 'no sexual content' initially. I don't like when devs tag their games with that when they plan on adding sexual content at a later date, maybe just put in the OP no sexual content CURRENTLY because i'm sure others skip over it because of that aswell.

aside from that looks good, downloading now