Played through 0.1b, and I had some thoughts:
* Banter between MC and Lillie could be better.
* 'sometime passed midnight' should be 'Sometime past midnight'
* Is that a dildo on the bathroom counter? Interesting thing in this situation, as they aren't lovers and I would imagine that whoever owns it would prefer to to keep it hidden even if the other party knows about it. Oops, apparently on second glance it's hairspray.
* I have a difficult time believing the MC doesn't know what thte noises coming from Lillie's room are. Perhaps he should be teasing her about them? I think it would show a closer relationship between the two.
* From the very first time he shows up on screen, I find Liam unlikable. If that's intentional, great, but I'm getting the feeling he isn't supposed to be.
* The business is surprisingly successful very, very quickly. Perhaps too quickly to work for the story.
* MC is definitely acting more like a lover than a friend or...whatever he's meant to be to Lillie.
* I see the MC reacting to Lillie's first reaction to Liam, but it's difficult to tell it's his thoughts as it's the same font as the general narration. Maybe those thoughts should be italicized or something similar to separate them and give clarity. This is also a point where I would like to see the MC elaborate on his thoughts in this regard, something like, "wow, she's really taken with him".
* It's good that Lillie is obviously attracted to Liam before the big tip, but I still think the big tip should be either taken out or reduced significantly.
* I see the MC reflects on Lillie's attraction after Liam gives her the tip, but I think it would be better if he thought those things before. It would be good to establish that Lillie is attracted to Liam before he starts throwing money around, otherwise it makes both characters much less likeable. AS it is now, Lillie looks like a gold digger, and Liam like a pompous ass.
* Now he teases her about masturbating? The timing just seems wrong.
* 'expedited', not 'expidited'
* The descriptive text for how bikini girl looks could be reduced a lot. You have images availalble to set the scene visually, so not so much is needed.
* I'm surprised they didn't talk about hiring more people the night before. Given a fledgling business and how busy they've been, I would think hiring someone else would be a heavy priority.
* It would be nice to see Lillie and Liam in more poses. Right now they kind of look like cardboard cut outs.
* Assuming Liam is in his late 30's-early 40's, he could stand to look a little older. Perhaps some more grey in his hair.
* Is this story going to be told from both the MC's and Lillie's perspectives? If that's not the case, we don't need to see her thoughts. It also might be better if the MC described her reactions, considering how well he knows her--assuming he knows her well.
* Why isn't Lillie talking to the MC about her feelings for Liam? If they have a strong relationship, especially if they're best friends/siblings, one would think she'd be down with sharing.
* If Liam is meant to be a business mentor, why isn't he doing more toe befriend the MC? Also, thinking about it, why didn't he ask Lillie earlier about your relationship to one another?
* 'pushes passed you' should be 'pushes past you'
* Lillie is a brand new business owner at a business that we already know is understaffed and overworked. I'm amazed she can state definitely that she'll be free any night that far prior.
* He seems kind of creepy to me too. Maybe the MC should ask her what she sees in Liam?
* I think 'would that seem too despite' was meant to be 'would that seem too desperate'
* Didn't Lillie already set a date with Liam? Why does she need to text him and ask again?
* I'm just realizing we know almost nothing about Lillie's personality. Apparently she's shy?
* I'm wondering what the MC and Lillie talk about when they hang out.
* I do like 'have fun with grandpa'. I wish there was more stuff like that. It would definitely make me think they're closer.
* That town needs more bars.
* Right away, Liam is being a condescending prick to Lillie, who doesn't seem to notice. I'm fine with him calling her 'good girl' and 'pet', but only if they've already established some sort of D/S relationship. Right out of the box it sounds creepy.
* I think this could use a lot less narration.
* Yes, why is she admitting this?
* There's so much we don't know about Lillie. Why has she been celibate? Why hasn't she seen the MC in five years? Why was she living with a crazy aunt who was obviously an unfit guardian?
* I'm not saying this never happens, but this negotiation is way too quick. She barely knows this guy so she has no references for him, and she apparently has zero experience with kink. If she were a newbie coming to her first munch, I and a lot of others would be warning her away from this exact situation.
* It would be good at some point for hte MC to think, "well, Lillie's an adult, and she's free to make her own choices" I think that would lessen the accusations of NTR.
* I'm surprised bikini girl drives to this bar rather than living within walking distance. She doesn't seem the type that cares much what other people think, and it would likely be more convenient for her to go to a local rather than a place she continuously has to drive to and back several times a night.
* The sex is fine, but it would be hotter if it were more public.
* I personally preferred it when bikini girl made it clear that she was mainly looking for a quick fuck. I don't think that ruined her as a potential character down the line, and in fact I think it's contrary to the behavior she exhibits before.
* If Liam is experienced at topping, he's acting like a creep.
So my biggest issues were with the relationship between the MC and Lillie, and with Liam's behavior.
For the former, it just never seems as if the two of them are close. Their banter feels stiff and uncomfortable, they don't talk or share their feelings, and their thoughts don't elaborate enough on their feelings about the current situation. We see at the end that the MC is a little jealous and so is Lillie, but it's hard to tell why. I just never got the feeling that these two had a close relationship.
I think I was pretty direct about my dislike for Liam in my thoughts, but to sum things up he seems to be an obnoxious predator rather than someone who's genuinely interested in Lillie. Perhaps if there had been some elaboration on their discussions that would have helped--there's a lot of talking between them that the player isn't privy to. There's all sort of things they could have discussed that, if I knew those things had been discussed, it would have been easier to accept.
It's fine to keep some mystery, but I also think it's important to establish at least some sort of public personality for the characters. If Lillie and the MC were estranged for some reason, mentioning that fact could help a lot with understanding their relationship.
Oh yeah, are they meant to be siblings? That's the usual reason for asking the player to define relationships like that. If not, I think it would be better if you just said they were best friends or former lovers or whatever, rather than allowing the playe to define it.
