Hey guys and gals
Long time no update on anything. I know, I know ... I am a dick when it comes to keeping you guys in the loop - not just you actually. Not that it is any consolation. Change does not come easy and this is something I am still working on ... thirty years later.
I am alive and kicking. Some days I still feel like I am more kicking than alive, but I am getting there. I have made a few new friends and the therapists are great. One of them even caught a serious mistake in how I have been medicated - the past ... well ... probably six years and maybe longer.
Back when I started out on my journey with my new friends Oxy and Codein I was to be getting Oxy as a "prolonged release drug" and the Codein as a quick fix on days when my back was really fucking with me. Somewhere along the way some signals or wires have been crossed so that Oxy ended up been a regular dose of medicine and not the "prolonged release drug" that was to help me fighting my back pains.
Fast forward to some weeks ago when a therapist suddenly asked me, why I had not been on the "prolonged release drug" instead of the regular Oxy? I was absolutely dumbfounded because that was the idea. She fixed this and now I am correctly medicated.
As someone who has had 24/7-365 back pains for almost twenty years, suddenly being correctly medicated is ... I am not sure how to describe it. I mean, I am feeling a huge relief in my pains all of a sudden and I am soooooo fucking happy about that! On the other hand I am furious and in a fucking murderous mood when I think about my doc.
I took a serious nosedive mentally and trust wise when I learned that I had been wrongly medicated for so many years. I was ready to up and leave to go hunt down my doc and go medieval on his ass! How did he miss this? What the fuck had happened, since I ended up on a different form of medication than the one I was supposed to be on? How did I miss it?
Suffice to say I took a dive into a very dark place, but thanks to said therapist I am returning to "normal" (whatever that is these days?) and realizing that it does me no good beating myself (or my doc) up over the past, as I have no power to change it. Focus should be on tomorrow ... always on tomorrow. She is great!
We are currently debating whether or not I should stay for another round of 16 weeks. She thinks that it is a good idea as I, in her opinion, still need help saying goodbye to the regular Oxy drug. Codein is already a thing of the past, so right now we are down to the regular Oxy and the "prolonged release drug" Oxy.
We will see what happens. In all fairness it broils down to my doc signing off on another stay and thus paying for it (well not him personally, but our public medicare thing). Something I have no control over. If he still holds true to his original promise of letting me stick around for another 16 weeks, if I needed it, I may be be inclined to take him up on his offer. We will see.
What about the project? I hear you cry. No worries, it will not be abandoned, it is simply delayed! I need to be all fixed before moving forward with the project and that is a process that can not be rushed - or so they say.
I will have more to tell you when this month comes to a close and I know what road I will be on.
You a ll have a good one and enjoy life to its fullest ... and stay safe.
Cheers - Kaffekop
