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Sup guys.
I just felt like typing some shit out. I know I said the next thoughts post would be on the 2nd but I'm feeling a certain type of way and I just know what I have to do even if you guys won't like it.
It's no secret that shit has been fucked for a while.
It all starts and stops with me, and I've been on quite the self destructive journey lately.
Things kept clashing together in the worst ways at the worst times and I let myself slowly fall into this mental block.
I can't describe the mental side of this shit. All I can say is that putting the actual update out is simultaneously something that I know has to be done and I want to do, and is also something that I dread having to do.
The pressure, the expectations, the finality of it all.
It's all self imposed issues. I know that, I'm not trying to deny it.
It's almost been a year since the last actual update. A fucking year.
There's so much work done but none of it has been shown and it's the most frustrating thing. I hate this, I hate feeling incapable.
The obvious question is "What's stopping you from releasing it?"
And I don't have a good answer. Anytime I sit down and package it and think about calling it done, I get this deep guttural feeling of dread. I'm so fucking mentally blocked up and I don't know why.
I fucking wish I did.
It's not something I think about once and then put off for a month. It is all day every single day.
But I've been doing everything I can to get away from it. To try and put it off but it's impossible.
My wife mentioned to me about how she thinks I'm worried to call it quits on it because then everything that has happened this year is over. It means I'm over it and it shouldn't.
There's so fucking much that I haven't told you guys about shit that has happened because I hate sounding like a fucking excuse robot. There's been so many times where I've typed out these long rant posts just to ctrl+w at the end. (Don't try that command unless you're tired of reading this btw)
Working on WVM has always been an escape for me... and something about stopping the work that I was doing when all of these things happened feels like I'm closing away that part of my life... I think.
Does it really make sense? No, but it just... it is what it is I don't know what else to say.
I've been stuck and I want out. I need out.
And that brings me to this next part.
I made the DITLO with Harper and I had a fucking blast making it. It was fun to write... hell it was even fun to edit the images (Which is usually the biggest bore for me).
And... it was even fun to release.
Sure, it may not be what you guys really wanted right now. Sure, it may suck that she was censored in it. I get it, but that's not what really matters.
It was the first time in nearly a year that I felt good about releasing something.
Like really good, I feel great right now which is insane.
There's many reasons for that but the important bit for this is that it made me realize what I need to do.
I've asked about it before and you guys overwhelmingly said to hold off and release the update in full all at once.
And I do agree that that way would be the best for the game and the best overall experience... but I can't. Trust me, I want to... but I can't.
The simplest way I can put it is that there's too much instant finality to it. I put a piece of me into every part of this game and I think it makes it a good game but it also makes situations like these... really hard to let go of.
When it's over... life goes back to normal. And that scares the fuck out of me right now.
But it has to be over.
Part of me says that I should just rip the band aid off but I'm legitimately scared of things going poorly and me ending up in an even worst spot.
There's so much emotionally put into this update... it's fucking rough man.
I've always enjoyed small consistent releases... mostly. I get the most short term enjoyment from them but I don't feel like they're what's best for the game in a developmental aspect. And I've become incapable of the consistent part anyway.
So... instead of ripping the band aid off I'm going to slowly peel and chew at the bastard until it's gone.
I'm going to sit down and parse the update out in chunks that make sense to me and I'm going to release those chunks.
I'm going to allow myself to work on some of the scenes again... there are a few that I genuinely think I can improve rather easily and quickly. I'm not going to let myself go into perfectionist mode... and that's not what this has been about. I don't think anyway.
I can do it in chunks... I'm not going to pretend like I won't be stressed or be bogged down by that dread feeling... but I can manage it.
It has to get done.
I really tried to do it the way that most of you wanted it to be... I did.
I still want to do it that way but I simply can't I'm sorry.
I'm going to hold off on the character sheets and bday renders that were planned and focus on getting the update chunked out before releasing those.
And ultimately if you want to wait for all of it to be out then you're free to do so.
I just know that this is the only way for me to get out of this block I'm in right now.
I thought letting enough time pass would let me heal enough but the pressure of the update is really slowing that stuff down.
I do apologize for going this route after asking how you guys wanted it.
It's out of necessity though and I hope you understand.
I'll have info about update sizes and dates soon.
Thanks for caring enough to read my brain vomit.
Love you guys and talk to you soon.
(Oh and each release for this will be available to all patrons and former patrons (Through discord))
we all do it Mr. Dev. You made the right choice, you'll feel a lot better. 
