Thanks, apollo32
I am sadly aware of the fact that I am spending almost as much time on the Intro as some other games need to progress to 50% of the plot.
Sure the complexity of the storylines management, and keeping track of it is the main complexity driver.
The other thing is, I am really new to coding and Renpy, so I take probably 300-500% time to do stuff compared to experienced devs/coders.
But honestly, reading a positive review makes up for the headache
As a side note, I would really love to hear from you, what is "bad/wrong" with the grammar.
As a non-native speaker, I admit I haven't been able to find the problem you guys are addressing.
So I kindly ask of you to show me a few lines that are bad/wrong and how it should be ... maybe we can work it out together
So I am not an English teacher or anything but I gave a couple of examples of bad grammar and sentence structure. I explained my reasoning behind most changes so hopefully you can understand some mistakes. Like I said, I am not a teacher and I could be wrong with some of these. I hope it helps you anyways.
So here are a few examples of bad grammar and run-on sentences:
1:
"Our dance was perfect, it felt like we belonged together, in this exact moment we synced and moved like a single body."
So this is a run on sentence. Basically they are 3 sentences unnecessarily crammed into one. You can fix this by simply making them separate sentences or adding a conjunction word such as but or and:
"Our dance was perfect
and it felt like we belonged together
. We
were synced and we moved like a single body."
2:
"The it seemed like the entire universe just stopped, there was only you, Naida and the music."
This probably should be written like:
"It
felt like the entire universe just stopped
. There was only you, Naida, and the music."
I changed seemed to felt as it fits more naturally in my eyes. The original sentence dragged on a bit so I separated it into two.
3:
"Its strange, I really like it. Maybe I stay here for a while after the contract."
There are quite a number of mistakes here. First, Its should be It's. When written like that it means It is. So "It is strange".
Next, I really like it should probably be changed. It currently is rather open-ended. What does she like? I think it should be written, "
It's strange, I really like
dancing with him." There are a lot of ways to write this but I think that is probably the easiest way to get the point across while still sounding natural. Last, Maybe I stay here needs a linking verb and should be written as, "Maybe I
will stay here for a while after I am done with the contract."
"
It's strange, I really like
dancing with him. Maybe I
will stay here for a while after I am done with the contract."
4:
"After a series of figures, Biggs takes Naida into a spinning figure, and she lands in his private space, almost hugging him."
First, I think "after a series of figures" is just unnecessary, we see pictures of them dancing and it was already explained that they were dancing. It is just repeating already understood information. Next, Biggs takes Naida into a spinning figure. You use the word figure again. I'm not certain what you are trying to say but in general you want to avoid using the exact same word multiple times in a sentence. It starts to sound unnatural. Next, and she lands in his private space, almost hugging him. So private space isn't really how you would say that. I assume you mean she lands close to him. So you have to say it differently. Again, the sentence is long and clunky. I will attempt to rewrite it while hopefully capturing what you originally intended.
"Biggs twirls Naida and she lands with her body pressed up against his."
The sentence is a lot cleaner and pretty much should convey the exact same meaning as the original just with a lot less words.
5:
"Not good, maybe I enjoyed me a bit too much."
It should be written:
"Not good, maybe I enjoyed
myself a bit too much."
I hope this helps explain a few mistakes. I think in general, these are mistakes that will be caught by having an editor. Even if you are perfectly fluent, mistakes like this happen pretty often. If you want to go over more examples or something feel free to dm me or whatever.
I just want to reiterate that I am not an English major but I am fluent and English and have taken a lot college level English and Writing courses. Even then, I still make countless errors so take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I definitely could be wrong about some of them. On another note, good luck with the game. It is very interesting and has a lot of potential. Hope to see a lot more from you in the future.