First impressions... Running commentary...
THIS IS MEANT TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE - to help you identify issues and improve the player experience... I have ZERO negative intent here. I'm just being truthful to my first impression...
1. The music starts nice, gives atmosphere, but sadly it quickly becomes some repetitive vocalizations and hideous saxophone piano shit.
The number one thing devs should NEVER put in a visual novel during dialogues scenes is music with lyrics... Completely distracting. Yet even Being a DIK does that and it's one of the top profit games on Patreon, so... maybe it's just me...
2. INSTANT adverse reaction the moment JAMIE's first render shows up: EEEWWW!!!! *shudder* throw up in mouth... She looks like a thicc teen with a granny's face and a corpse-colored complexion. The grey outfit just makes her look even more sad...
LATER - in the car - she looks completely different... Different lighting makes her look almost pretty, even if she's screaming.
EVEN LATER - in bed, with her head tilted up, she looks like she's a zombie, walking dead decaying bloodless corpse... However...
At least her physique is decent. None of that "J-cup" manga watermelon tits... I prefer natural A-B-C handfuls with nice protruding nips versus beach balls that droop below the waistline and have PAINTED ON nipple textures that never protrude.
And now that I see her in full lighting as she is filled up.. she looks beautiful. You should really re-render the earlier Jamie images to make her look pretty, reflecting the model's actual looks. Fix the neck angle and avoid making her look like a 90-year old zombie and she'll be more appealing to players, who are confused when MC says she's so beautiful in those hideous shots.
3. Spelling - word choice can be contextual and different per national language. In America "Martial Arts" is a singular thing... using "they" making it plural is odd. The word BREATH is a noun - the air that is exhaled/inhaled. BREATHE is the verb... the action...
4. Possessive use of
's when mentioning multiple - do not use the apostrophe... Sister
's means you're talking about an item or feature of that sister. Sisters means multiple girls.
5.
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6. WHAT IS THIS? a code error at the end of the sentence?
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7. Re-render the family home image... need to remove the enormous house behind it...
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8. Might wanna peep the first person/third person stuff... One line "Jamie notices MC..." the next line "She feels your..." Switching between narrative third person and descriptive first person is weird.
9. Writing description summaries of a character's feelings (Emma) is sloppy. It might be better to switch up the writing to what that character's literal thoughts in their head... So instead of "She felt this and she wondered why." something like... "I feel so warm and tingly. It's so weird. Why do I feel this way?"
10. Several lines are questions that end in a period or run-on as a longer sentence with a comma. These can be split as their own question.
11. The entire dialogue with Detective Single is redundant, odd, and could use a rewrite. The Detective also has weird placement, very far from the MC, very far from the table where the picture is... which is odd... confusing...
12. The font choice... COMMAS look like periods. With the run-on sentence structure, it gets confusing. Many commas should be either semicolons or the long sentences split into 2 separate sentences within the same script line.
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14. Similar to Jamie... MC's mom looks like GOLLEM from LOTR... Better lighting might fix it?
15. Micaiah... man hands, extra long arms... she's not quite right...
16. Who's the new guy in the living room? in red boots? looks younger but has a shorter beard, a major haircut...
