VN Ren'Py Karlsson's Gambit [v0.8.1 Part I] [Grym Gudinna Games]

[TessSadist]

You've got to be kidding me! This looks like you are a seasoned pro.

Oh my gosh, thank you! I don't think so personally, but I appreciate the compliment! My appreciation though of a few people I know that are coders have gone way up!

 

[asehpe]

I've just finished your game, and I must say it looks excellent! I'm really looking forward to its continuation. The graphics are really beautiful, the text is well written and intriguing, and the characters all look really interesting (and not only from a femdom perspective).

If I may mention a couple of things, though:

a. The exposition part (reading about the Karlsson group) could probably be better handled (the file contains pretty negative information about the group, and it seems unlikely that members of the group would want a new recruit to read what sometimes sounds like an indictment). Perhaps some of the 'bad' things (Karlsson group and slave markets, etc.) could be rumors that the MC hears from the Guards, or from other prisoners like his best friend, while the computer file reads more like a normal introduction to a corporate group?

b. It doesn't feel very realistic for the MC's sister to be brought to Allesandra's place just for Allesandra to say that she's very tired and they'll talk the following day -- why not bring the MC's sister the following day then? I assume that the narrative need is to show her the amazing room, and to give an impression of Allesandra as friendly, but it does sound awkward -- and counterproductive to this impression -- that someone should be brought to Allesandra's place just to be told to go to sleep. It would probably be better to have something else happen: a longer dialogue? some discussion about the MC's sister's life, or about the world as a whole and how bad it became after the Great Collapse? Or something happens that needs Allesandra's immediate attention, so as she is about to start a serious conversation with the MC's sister, a servant comes in and takes her away, the MC's sister has to wait, and after a while is told that Allesandra can unfortunately not come back until the following day? This would still keep any big reveals for later.

 

[TessSadist]

I've just finished your game, and I must say it looks excellent! I'm really looking forward to its continuation. The graphics are really beautiful, the text is well written and intriguing, and the characters all look really interesting (and not only from a femdom perspective).

If I may mention a couple of things, though:

a. The exposition part (reading about the Karlsson group) could probably be better handled (the file contains pretty negative information about the group, and it seems unlikely that members of the group would want a new recruit to read what sometimes sounds like an indictment). Perhaps some of the 'bad' things (Karlsson group and slave markets, etc.) could be rumors that the MC hears from the Guards, or from other prisoners like his best friend, while the computer file reads more like a normal introduction to a corporate group?

b. It doesn't feel very realistic for the MC's sister to be brought to Allesandra's place just for Allesandra to say that she's very tired and they'll talk the following day -- why not bring the MC's sister the following day then? I assume that the narrative need is to show her the amazing room, and to give an impression of Allesandra as friendly, but it does sound awkward -- and counterproductive to this impression -- that someone should be brought to Allesandra's place just to be told to go to sleep. It would probably be better to have something else happen: a longer dialogue? some discussion about the MC's sister's life, or about the world as a whole and how bad it became after the Great Collapse? Or something happens that needs Allesandra's immediate attention, so as she is about to start a serious conversation with the MC's sister, a servant comes in and takes her away, the MC's sister has to wait, and after a while is told that Allesandra can unfortunately not come back until the following day? This would still keep any big reveals for later.

Thanks for the feedback! As to the first point, there might be a strategic reason and motivation as to why it was written the way it was and by whom. Also don't assume the original brief was only written (i.e not edited somehow by someone else) by one person.

As to the second, very fair point. I originally did have a longer scene there that I cut short (my original script I cut down 7,000 words for this episode) that discussed how long she had to wait for Olivia (sister default name) because of the hospital and even why the kidnapper acted a little more aggressive for fear of having made Alessandra wait too long, etc.

 

[Latex224]

Hello TessSadist.

I tried your game today and i was stunned.(in a good way)
I also like the intro scene/info about you/game at the beginning.
Nice dialogue, renders and one cool story to follow. It also contains some of my fave tags ;-)

The very best of luck with your game Miss Tess.

 

[TiffanyMonroe]

For some strange reason I feel compelled to go full evil/dom route. I think I may be corrupted.

 

[SkinnyWeenie]

Hi, I can't put every tag I have planned in the links yet (it says only what is currently in game) but yes, I actually want to allow romance tracks, but of course some relationships might be very normal and some definitely more weird (or fucked up even, etc.).

sooo does that include incest or even romance between the two main characters?

 

[TiffanyMonroe]

I like this game even more now.

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[Reezo]

Rather decent short first version of the game. I would rate this game 7/10 (10 is highest)
For 0.1 version, it's promising start for this game. I hope, that there will be more lewd scenes like water sports?
So far i have played Good sub route, and i liked it.

Thumb up for me

 

[asehpe]

Thanks for the feedback! As to the first point, there might be a strategic reason and motivation as to why it was written the way it was and by whom. Also don't assume the original brief was only written (i.e not edited somehow by someone else) by one person.

As to the second, very fair point. I originally did have a longer scene there that I cut short (my original script I cut down 7,000 words for this episode) that discussed how long she had to wait for Olivia (sister default name) because of the hospital and even why the kidnapper acted a little more aggressive for fear of having made Alessandra wait too long, etc.

Hmm. I hadn't thought about this first point. It certainly raises the intrigue level.

As for the second, I'm sure things can be played with a bit to make it more realistic. And it's not like it's a big deal. After all, this is just the first episode/version of a game that will be much longer. And if I sound a bit too analytical, it's just because I taught writing for a little while, so sometimes I sound like I'm writing comments on someone's essay. Or so my friends tell me.

A final comment: the four Karlsson women all sound different and interesting in their own ways, and there seem to be some seeds of conflict between them. That is interesting, and plays into a problem that characters in erotic VNs very often have: the balance between being characters that are actually human and have human backgrounds / motivations, and characters that represent the players' / developer's fantasies. I guess the main point is that the more a character looks and acts like a "wet dream" (for me, this is Juliette's case right now), the more it is exciting, but also shallow (i.e., Juliette acts very "what-you-see-is-what-you-get", "this-is-all-I-am"). Since one does want to give life to fantasies (erotic fiction is, after all, meant to be arousing), the "wet dream come true" factor is not negative, but, in the long run, the "there's some depth in her too" factor makes the character more memorable, like someone you'd actually like to meet and have tea and chat with (right now, that would be Dominique for me).

Just a thought. And without knowing what your future plans are for each character, so I may be totally off here.

Again, great work, and I'll be looking forward to its future development.

EDIT: (Oh, one little detail... sorry for nitpicking. In the scene in which Samantha handles the prisoner who attacked the MC -- ah!.... --, after she finishes, she stands on top of the box. Something is wrong with the perspective there: I know Sam is supposed to be small, but she looks almost like a midget. Perhaps increase her size slightly?)

 

[ratbag]

Very promising game. High end stuff.

Stunning visuals and a decent story that flowed well.

There seem to be more dom than sub options tho, i didnt follow them so i could be wrong as to the outcomes. That said, i did have a very enjoyable play through.

Please ignore all the 'too insecure to submit' detractors and if you can stay to female domination then this could be great.

 

[Lermo]

Will keep my eye on this one. depending on how much content you can dish out i would consinder supporting this project on patreon.
Love the first encounter between Patricia and prisoner 1821. Where she makes him beg for mercy and grovel at her feet.
Wish she would do that to the mc as well

What i didnt like was how easy going Patricia punished my ambusher.
Elena said that the extra punishment administered by Pat would be severe and the prisoner will suffer great pain just without permanent damage.
Sounds great. teach that idiot not to attack me.

ok.. he gets to lick her.. nice punishment... thanks elena for giving me power i guess

Sam was extreme but still enjoyable to my shocking.

keep up the good work

 

[KinkierThanThou]

Will keep my eye on this one. depending on how much content you can dish out i would consinder supporting this project on patreon.
Love the first encounter between Patricia and prisoner 1821. Where she makes him beg for mercy and grovel at her feet.
Wish she would do that to the mc as well

What i didnt like was how easy going Patricia punished my ambusher.
Elena said that the extra punishment administered by Pat would be severe and the prisoner will suffer great pain just without permanent damage.
Sounds great. teach that idiot not to attack me.

ok.. he gets to lick her.. nice punishment... thanks elena for giving me power i guess

Sam was extreme but still enjoyable to my shocking.

keep up the good work

Yeah I don't get how licking a beautifully rendered model is punishment either. That's honestly the one thing I would change about this not-so-near-future. Less shock collars and pain chips, more good old-fashioned leather applied to asses.

But that's just me.

 

[snoupy]

beautiful start!!! little problem with translation but is ok! I am very happy when I pay it!!

 

[eightypercent]

What I really like about this VN so far are the choices... they are powerful in terms of immersion and emotion. The introduction [perhaps a little long and not enough "teasing"?] makes my relatively dark soul shudder... EXCELLENT.
Going to first RP male MC as relatively dominant/good and sister as "gentle"/sub in order to explore my fantasies. But I really want to see how dark the author is too

 

[TessSadist]

No one should ever feel bad with criticism. (well, non-troll stuff) I'm not really sensitive that way because I am generally very secure and confident in who I am overall as an individual from my own life experience, but I also understand I am new to this and learning a lot from a very low position of knowledge so I don't feel defensive about anything that way. Sometimes I won't agree with something, but other times I will actually learn something and that ultimately makes the next update better which is actually a great result so fire away! One poster much earlier mentioned too many flashes as transitions and I actually looked again at everything and I then I kind of really agreed with that and am changing it up there for example.

 

[TessSadist]

Very promising game. High end stuff.

Stunning visuals and a decent story that flowed well.

There seem to be more dom than sub options tho, i didnt follow them so i could be wrong as to the outcomes. That said, i did have a very enjoyable play through.

Please ignore all the 'too insecure to submit' detractors and if you can stay to female domination then this could be great.

Over time, sub tracks will actually split into levels of harshness (also depends if you are focusing on a specific girl as their personalities/desires are very different) with other side scenes designed for specific fetishes that people might like but others can ignore. One obvious example I guess would be that you should expect very different types of treatment if it's say Juliette versus Dominique as the former is already projecting as an extreme - even psychopathic - sadist while Dominique is more likely to be very caring and gentle for a sub, etc. I've rarely seen what I could call a more romantic/gentle dominant path in femdom games where you feel like the dom actually cares about the sub, so I kind of want that option out there too. I've also rarely seen the kind of sadist I have in mind for a few things later so want to go the other extreme way too.

 

[TessSadist]

Will keep my eye on this one. depending on how much content you can dish out i would consinder supporting this project on patreon.
Love the first encounter between Patricia and prisoner 1821. Where she makes him beg for mercy and grovel at her feet.
Wish she would do that to the mc as well

What i didnt like was how easy going Patricia punished my ambusher.
Elena said that the extra punishment administered by Pat would be severe and the prisoner will suffer great pain just without permanent damage.
Sounds great. teach that idiot not to attack me.

ok.. he gets to lick her.. nice punishment... thanks elena for giving me power i guess

Sam was extreme but still enjoyable to my shocking.

keep up the good work

In hindsight, I wish I had done Pat first and not Sam because I think Sam's punishment influenced how I did Pat. I'm about 75% happy with Pat's scene but I learned a lot from it for later. I'm doing what I guess I call a self-evaluation of the entire episode and I've listed about 30 things that I learned, and this scene was one I looked at with a few other ideas I would put in there now if writing it again. I actually downgraded even Sam's punishment too from my first idea because I'm always a little nervous that I am way too extreme compared to most people, even people that play these kind of games.

 

[noway1]

I guess you are absolutely right about not starting with the most extreme stuff.
1) That is the beginning of the game, you can see how it goes and add extreme stuff later in the story.
2) Some extreme stuff may also need more experience in modelling, otherwise it may look ridiculous. Hence, another reason to do this later, when you refined your skills.
3) I'm not sure about patreons policies, if there is an limit about what they allow.
4) In some countries more extreme stuff may be also illegal. May be an issue depending on where you live.
5) If you plan to make money with this: the more extreme the fewer the audience. If you are actually good, and it seems you are, you most likely succeed in competition with other mainstream content. Hopefully you sacrifice all the riches to continue this nasty shit here

And most likely, it still some kind of shame to write about fetish stuff that is actually in your mind at the beginning. It is like a striptease to really create the exact fantasy you have in your mind. At least I experienced that, when I first started writing novels with sexual content. Luckily, this vanishes in a relative short amount of time. On the other hand: I'm a very experienced and talented coder, I'm experienced with creating computer games, and I'm writing sexual novels, but never created an erotic game^^ Most likely due to my bad skills regarding modelling humans.

 

[asehpe]

[...] I actually downgraded even Sam's punishment too from my first idea because I'm always a little nervous that I am way too extreme compared to most people, even people that play these kind of games.

I don't think there is any reason to be nervous about that. If people don't like something, they'll say it (with varying degrees of intensity I assume), and that will be it. There will always be those who like it, no matter how extreme you go. I've always felt it is better for a creator to go where s/he wants to go (it is easier to create, and the result is usually better, when one really enjoys the ideas one is bringing to life) than when s/he feels the need to adapt to other people's visions.

 

[asehpe]

5) If you plan to make money with this: the more extreme the fewer the audience. If you are actually good, and it seems you are, you most likely succeed in competition with other mainstream content. Hopefully you sacrifice all the riches to continue this nasty shit here

I tend to agree that respecting the audience is a good idea, especially if you want to make money, but not only then. After all, when one creates, there is always some idea in one's head about an intended audience that will "get it." OTOH, audiences aren't just pre-existing, they are also to a great extent made/shaped. If the content is well done (and in this game that is the general impression), it will probably attract more of an audience than you might expect.