The whole pint of this is to have the characters close and eager to live near eachother.
The setting works to stick eacother in everyone”s face and make them say/do something.
The trick is that such close proximity day in and day out makes for easy convo and relaxed feelings.
They know they see eachothe rdayly, they are close together for reasons that block awkwardness.
About the subject of their talks, often neighbors or flatmates will just fill the time they share together
with filler talks, to feel like they are giving something to their neighbor,
without actually making plans together or moving their relationship forward:
”I appreciate you being here for human contact and help around the house, but stay out of my life.”
I wanted to throw some specific comments here, based mostly on the first day. I wouldn't ordinarily get this specific for an h-game, but someone messaged me for specifics after my review.
First impressions:
- This is beautifully shot, for the most part. Maybe too beautiful! I would not have guessed the characters are having money troubles from the house. I think a visual direction I might have taken would have been to add more depth of focus (i.e., blur the backgrounds a little), add some clutter (while narrowing the camera angles to keep the scenes simple), and darken or filter the lighting a bit more. The side characters tend to have FAR less impressive models than the main characters, which is a tiny bit jarring.
- Okay, my main criticism is that this is WORDY. I STRONGLY expect that most players will be skimming within a minute or two, even those looking for more of a literary or character-driven experience. Conversations that could have been 2-3 sentences take 40+ screens, with tons of filler comments and internal dialogue, with very little information other than Anya feeling shy. "Show, don't tell" is so cliché that it feels insulting to say, but it definitely applies here (I'll put some specific examples below). Any key information (e.g., a mysterious new professor, there will be a party, Anya doesn't have a boyfriend) tends to get buried by the characters musing to themselves or each other for several screens per thought. Finally, while the English is clear and understandable, it does seem like a second language, and the large amount of text makes this more obvious.
- In my initial review, I gave this two stars to give a heads-up to early players who might react poorly to the slow pacing and then leave lots of negative reviews. But at risk of discouraging the devs, and given how new the game is, I've changed my rating up for now.
Some specifics:
- Opening shot is mother's backside, which has even been edited to have much wider hips than she'll actually have in future scenes. This is a strange choice, as it immediately sexualizes her and the story and makes her feel like a potential love interest or something. Yet her role (so far) is an extremely warm, loving, very nonsexual mentor. (I suspect there is more to her later, but it definitely starts the story in a different direction than the first two days, which are about Anya's shyness.) I think a dreamy opening shot of Anya lost in thought (no actual text, just the image) would have aligned better with the rest of the story so far.
- The music is very soft and emotional, which isn't bad in itself, but on top of the slow-moving dialogue, it makes things feel very sleepy after a while. I think it also hides the fact that without music, the scenes would be very quiet and rather lifeless. More on that below (the suggestions about moving scenes to hallways and stuff).
- I think the brother character has a few flaws. First, he is just getting started out in the world and still living at home, but he appears to have a whole studio with models, Anya seems envious of how successful he is in life, and he could easily pass for someone in his late 30s, appearance-wise. Second, he and Anya act like strangers to each other (Anya is absurdly shy around him, and he is always noticing one thing after the other about her that is different to him). The questions he asks at breakfast feel like those of a distant father or visiting relative. SUGGESTION: I think the plot would be much stronger if the brother was moving back in after several years away, to support Anya/Mom during their money problems. That would explain the sense of awkwardness between them, Anya's confused feelings about sudden proximity to a male, his older looks, his sudden over-eagerness to reconnect that scares the reclusive Anya, and why his business is already established to the point that Anya is envious and people like Mikaela and Abigail can look past his age and believe he could launch them as models. This "brother comes home" plot would also be fun and easy to "show, don't tell" without tons of soft dialogue and internal monologue: e.g., he accidentally drops some underwear on his way back from the laundry, to Anya's shock; he leaves his door open with a photo book open or has a business phone conversation around her, making her realize how successful he is compared to her; etc.
- The car ride is a good example of some motion and life in a scene, but there are ways it could have been taken better advantage of. Like using the time with her mom to talk about Mark, or noticing some new businesses in her city to give a sense of the location and potentially future plot points, etc.
- Physics teacher intro: no shirt at all is a little jarring. And then people only comment on the skirt! #fashion?
- The teacher's intro is very long and very static (nobody moving, etc.), further sapping momentum. One "show, don't tell" way to handle this would have been to have the entire scene be her walking into the classroom -- or even just passing in the hallway -- and immediately wink/flirting at the boys, to Mikaela's irritation (maybe she swats her boyfriend for staring?) and Anya's shock/awe. Cut to next scene! And/or, in the classroom, maybe the prof launches boldly into an intense physics lecture (just a sentence or two), or maybe challenges some students with a question or two to test their knowledge (while still flirting or showing off her body) to showcase her intellect too. But honestly, this scene could almost have been done with no dialogue at all, given how little hard info was needed to be communicated. There's a story in Hollywood about a famous scriptwriter teaching a class about "show, don't tell." He asks the class to write a scene showing a husband and wife on an elevator having marriage troubles. The students all wrote these long scenes with lots of tortured dialogue and tears. The professor then shows them his version: the husband and wife get on the elevator in cold silence, him still wearing his hat; a beautiful woman gets on, and he removes his hat for her. Not a word of dialogue!
- There's a comment about "love letters": do people still write love letters? Made this exchange feel rather dated or cultural.
- Once again, the scene in the cafeteria was VERY long. The important info -- upcoming party, Mikaela's boldness, boyfriend into, Mikaela wanting to model for Mark, ...? -- get buried in lots of text. I think a "show, don't tell" way to do this, esp with some energy, would have been to have Anya and Mikaela chatting in a busy hallway (maybe even have the physics professor do her intro and pass-by in the same scene), have someone stop to mention the party to Mikaela, have the boys come by and flirt/grope/stare/whatever briefly before being sent away by Mikaela, maybe have other boys staring at both girls as they pass by to amp up the girls' desirability for the readers. Then end, with a fraction of the dialogue. In very active, noisy scenes like this, Anya's shyness (head down, internal monologue, etc.) makes more sense and doesn't suck energy out of the scene compared to when she's in an already quiet place like her living room or a booth in an empty cafeteria.
- Anya's deep shyness is EXTREME during the movie scene and then at the thought of shopping with her brother. I almost feel like there needs to be an explanation at this point for why she's so incredibly withdrawn, especially if the brother really has been living with them all their lives. Could she be mildly autistic or something? Survived an attempted assault a few years ago (might be too dark for this story)? This would enliven the plot and conversations a bit.
- On a related note, Anya has a LOT of internal monologuing. This is risky because it usually happens in stories for one of two reasons: 1) To fill in facts that probably should have been communicated with dialogue or action; 2) To show the reader that the character is a very different person on the inside. While that hidden side can be dramatic when done right (e.g., "when will the other characters discover he/she isn't like how she says she is!"), in this case, Anya is CLEARLY shy already (head down, quiet, stuttering), so the internal monologue is just redundant. An alternative to her internal monologue about her shyness would be to have her struggle with daydreaming or unrelated thoughts whenever she starts to get anxious in social situations (a common symptom of social anxiety or ADHD), or simply sit in silence, staring off into the distance as others talk over/at her, which can communicate some mysteriousness and depth.
I think that covers the first day. Obviously the second day takes quite a turn with the intro of Abigail. I think that intro would also be improved if the brother had just re-entered Anya's life. Anya could be just starting to warm back up to her brother and wanting his approval, and suddenly this gorgeous future model swoops in and Anya gets reminded how successful and desired her brother is. That could then explain her sudden willingness to model for him too, to reclaim the taste of acceptance.
