The hard fact of it is she was using you, and I would just about guarantee she is doing the same with her new "boyfriend". You had no way of knowing what she was doing, she took advantage of you. She saw someone in a vulnerable position and put her claws into you, when she found out you weren't what she wanted she left you and went onto the next one. Its not your fault, dont beat yourself up over it. It'll be hard, but believe it or not your current position is fixable. You just need to make some goals, and strive towards them. Friends? Go find a support group, there are tons of them online or IRL and they're people who you can relate to. Those people can be great friends. Job? What kind of job do you want? You dont need to make a lot of money to be happy, just look at all those filthy rich people and how miserable they are. Just need enough to pay the bills. Loveless? Like I said previously, there is someone for everyone. You ever made an account on a dating app? You can also find love at your job, or a friend that evolves into love. It may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes people need to be torn down in order to be built back up even stronger than before. You can build yourself back up, you just gotta believe it and make it happen. Just take a step, then another, and another and before you know it you've walked miles. (or kilometers for you europeans
)
I know for a fact that she's doing this with her new boyfriend. She doesn't love him at all, only his wallet. He literally paid her to go on a date with her after they fell out. She has told 'me' that she sees their relationship as a transaction of money for sex. calling her a prostitute ended that conversation.
She didn't use me. She actually had a similar story to mine. None of the flying across the world or cutting, but her boyfriend before me wrecked her. She was very dreamy and lovey about the relationship, dreaming of weddings and children and everlasting love, then he cheated on her and she was lost for a long time. We fixed each other, but 18 months later something changed. She was on holiday to stay with her family. I think they convinced her to leave me. She values money far higher than I do, but I think she gave up on love.
I can't even motivate myself to play overwatch or football manager, so goals are kinda out of the question, sadly. I find it impossible to ask for help. When I was a child, I would sit in my house and huff or play football with the wall in my backgarden. There were kids in my street who'd play with me, but I was too scared to go and ask them to do so. I didn't ask for help in school and my grades plummeted from top of my age group to below average. Then I didn't go to uni because I needed help on my application but didn't want to ask. I know how huge of a flaw it is, but I prefer to just hide and wither away.
Unlike the population of a certain, unnamed, eastern country, I know that money isn't what's important. My job is literally 'enough to pay the bills'. I like the freedom of being able to work mostly when I want to, but it does mean I'm broke. It hasn't bothered me for years and if I need money I can work every day and I can save up slowly. What bothers me is that I have nothing. There is no aspect of my life that I can look at and think that I'm in a better place now that I was 2, 3 even 5 years ago. 20yo me had no money, no friends, no girlfriend, no future. He also had more hair and a better body.
I don't want to find someone else. I'm not a 'lad' as most brits in their 20s are. I don't drink or have casual sex. I wait years to fall in love with a sad girl with a pretty smile, long hair, and cute stomach to lie on, then I give her all my heart. Then she leaves me.
I had started building myself back up. After an hour staring at a cute video of her kissing her cat goodnight, I decided she wouldn't want me to cut myself and I stopped. I took a month of MyLK to sort a few things out personally and set up MyLK to be greatly improved in Chapter 4. Then she posted about her new boyfriend and everything just fell down again. Thoughts of her constantly haunt me and there's nothing I can do about it. I can describe the better version of me that you and I agree I should strive to become, but I know it will all be for nothing once she gets married and my mind won't want to think another thought.
Thanks for caring. Sorry for the long reply. Replying is better than my other 'hobby'.
