VN Ren'Py Completed Triangle [v1.0] [Neverlucky]

[supermanz95]

@Neverluckystudios

Okay, I kind of like this and I like the relationship dynamics of the characters but there are some parts of the story that I have issues with and I think should be changed/improved. Firstly, the girl, Jenny is Sarah's friends daughter. But Sarah didn't see Jenny before she gets to her house to move in? She didn't want to console her after her Mum died or go and meet her instead sending a strange man that she had never met to go and pick her up? It's very strange to me. What also doesn't seem to make sense is that this girl is 18 years old, just lost her parents and is now homeless? What happened to their home or money? She doesn't inherit anything? She didn't want to move in with some friends? The MC is told at the beginning of the story that he's been with Sarah for 3 years but we've never met Jenny so I'm assuming (by all means, correct me if I'm wrong) that she hasn't seen her for the 3 years we've been together but she invites her to move in?

My suggestions, put some explanation into the story that Sarah went to the funeral and has met up with Jenny, consoling her after the deaths. Roping into the facts that she lived quite far away and she had to fly there, hence not seeing her for quite a while and the MC not meeting her before. If she's been in Jenny's life more that I think then this needs to be expanded on and conveyed to the reader/player. Maybe have a more compelling reason for Sarah to not go to pick up Jenny and send the MC instead? Maybe she has to meet with a client or video conference, something other than she is a bit mopey and wants to check the guest room.

Perhaps suggest that Jenny's parents were in debt and their home is being repossessed and that is why she is having to stay with you? If she didn't live locally, as I suggested above, she might be picked up from the airport, maybe she was moving to this city for college and that's why she doesn't have any friends to rely on? I know she mentions on the way back from being collected initially that she is going to the same college in the same city and wouldn't want to have to go through all the extra hassle but where are all the people she knows? Did she grow up in this city? Did she live apart from her parents going to college in this city? Why does she have to move out of her current home?

I don't know, these things are the foundations of your story but they seem to be the weakest parts, at least to me. The other cliché happenings within the story can be forgiven a bit more if the foundation is solid and the reader has an understanding of what is happening and how the characters might be feeling/reacting. I'm interested in the story but I think you're doing yourself a disservice without sorting these issues out and having a more convincing plot for your tale to start from.

Take whatever you want from this though, I'm not a creator, just a player with a critical eye.

You summed it up pretty well mate, I also found Sarah's and Jenny's relationship/behavior sketchy, what also stuck out to me just how fucking keen/railroaded the MC was to go through this idea of having a complete stranger live with him, so much so that he would stop having sex with his girlfriend to console this person(rofl), how he puts Jenny on a pedestal of this utter emotional importance, guy comes off as a reincarnation of Gandhi or Hannibal Lecter, I'm so surprised Jenny doesn't find him emotionally overbearing. This would be understandable if Sarah would be his absolute soulmate, the one who he is prepared to fade into space dust and drift through echos of eternity, he would look at Jenny as some sort of adoptive daughter of them both. But after few days of living together Jenny confesses her love and MC doesn't really mind fucking around, I guess he wasn't into that lawyer puss after all, man's a gambler, ready for the sharks to take half his shit, living on the edge. Jenny is pretty cute thought tbh

 

[FlyGamer]

@Neverluckystudios
I think the issue with the relationship between Sarah and Jenny and the MC picking her up could easily be resolved with a funeral scene as EvilMonkey mentioned. MC could meet Jenny at the funeral and there could be a scene where Jenny and Sarah talk privately, followed by Sarah discussing it with the MC later at their house. Also, it does make sense that her parents should have debt issues which is why Jenny gets no money and can't make it on her own (after all, she is 18). Seems like an easy fix with the addition of a couple of scenes.

Just my 2 cents. Love the game so far!

 

[User_920791]

Despite being linear, I quite enjoyed the story so far.

 

[Tanwise]

The relationship between the three characters either needs to have some major work done, or add an additional new route in which the Sarah, Jenny, and the MC slowly progress together at the same time. The opening plot holes also need to have work done, but without giving away spoilers, the characters are completely unbalanced. I.e as it currently is, one is oblivious, the other looks innocent but gets away with everything, while the other acts only on lust.

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At any rate, the story is currently a mess that needs some serious rewriting.

 

[Hartigan]

is there a way to support this developer without Patreon?
I will never send a cent over Patreon, as I will never support such a censoring Company.

I like the game and would like to show it to the developer

 

[Deleted member 167032]

Yes BMAC or Buy me a Coffee if he has it.

is there a way to support this developer without Patreon?
I will never send a cent over Patreon, as I will never support such a censoring Company.

I like the game and would like to show it to the developer

 

[Segnbora]

I don't know what your ultimate plan is — keeping it linear, or introducing branches — but if the latter, it'd be interesting to see a full range of options between the three: MC/Sarah (monogamous), MC/Jenny (secret), MC/Jenny (open), Sarah/Jenny (secret), Sarah/Jenny (open), MC/Sarah/Jenny (double secret), and of course the polyamorous threesome to which the game is obviously progressing.

What would be even more interesting (and this is true even if you never add branching) is to have the threesome confirmed fairly early in the game, followed by a long series of three-way adventures. As in: don't just end the game when they finally decide to all have sex together, but keep it going for a while.

I agree with others that it doesn't make a great deal of sense for the MC and Jenny to never have met, nor for Sarah to have somehow been absent in the immediate aftermath of her friend/spoiler's death, and there have been some good and simple solutions presented by others that would clear this up with a minimum of fuss.

I also agree that the MC and Jenny keeping their fooling around secret doesn't really make sense in the MC/Sarah relationship as you've presented it, unless you do indeed intend to introduce branching. But in the game as you've written it thus far, Sarah's not only throwing herself at Jenny, but also being very, very accepting of the MC and Jenny growing close, to the point that I suspected Sarah was encouraging MC/Jenny all along. (Which is great if that's the case, but then the secrecy makes even less sense.) I don't think the MC would agree to keep his fooling around with Jenny a secret unless he was somehow dissatisfied with Sarah, which he pretty clearly isn't (in the game as written thus far). In fact, now that Sarah's told him Jenny kissed her, it'd be the perfect time for that conversation.

("Sarah, I have a confession and I hope you won't be angry...she kissed me too. I've been struggling to figure out how to tell you, because I love you and I don't want to see anyone hurt. It seems she has feelings for both of us. What do you think we should do?" ) [open polyamory branch, if that's your goal]

...followed by options to pursue one or two secret relationships with Jenny, if indeed you intend to introduce branching. Frankly, though, I'd be perfectly fine with keeping it linear as long as it doesn't end the moment the three of them finally hook up. If it's a linear story, the reward's too easy to earn unless it pays off for an extended time. The MC and Sarah slowly introducing Jenny to sex in all its forms is a fun story, and very unlike most other offerings in this genre.

Anyway, congratulations on an interesting approach to a story we don't see enough of in erotic games. I look forward to the rest.

 

[nasam]

[/spoiler]

You may want to fix this

 

[SumTingWong0420]

I also agree that the MC and Jenny keeping their fooling around secret doesn't really make sense in the MC/Sarah relationship as you've presented it, unless you do indeed intend to introduce branching. But in the game as you've written it thus far, Sarah's not only throwing herself at Jenny, but also being very, very accepting of the MC and Jenny growing close, to the point that I suspected Sarah was encouraging MC/Jenny all along. (Which is great if that's the case, but then the secrecy makes even less sense.) I don't think the MC would agree to keep his fooling around with Jenny a secret unless he was somehow dissatisfied with Sarah, which he pretty clearly isn't (in the game as written thus far). In fact, now that Sarah's told him Jenny kissed her, it'd be the perfect time for that conversation.

("Sarah, I have a confession and I hope you won't be angry...she kissed me too. I've been struggling to figure out how to tell you, because I love you and I don't want to see anyone hurt. It seems she has feelings for both of us. What do you think we should do?" ) [open polyamory branch, if that's your goal]

...followed by options to pursue one or two secret relationships with Jenny, if indeed you intend to introduce branching. Frankly, though, I'd be perfectly fine with keeping it linear as long as it doesn't end the moment the three of them finally hook up. If it's a linear story, the reward's too easy to earn unless it pays off for an extended time. The MC and Sarah slowly introducing Jenny to sex in all its forms is a fun story, and very unlike most other offerings in this genre.

Anyway, congratulations on an interesting approach to a story we don't see enough of in erotic games. I look forward to the rest.[/spoiler]

This 200%^ this is almost word for word how I feel this story should/ will progress!

 

[FlyGamer]

I don't know what your ultimate plan is — keeping it linear, or introducing branches — but if the latter, it'd be interesting to see a full range of options between the three: MC/Sarah (monogamous), MC/Jenny (secret), MC/Jenny (open), Sarah/Jenny (secret), Sarah/Jenny (open), MC/Sarah/Jenny (double secret), and of course the polyamorous threesome to which the game is obviously progressing.

What would be even more interesting (and this is true even if you never add branching) is to have the threesome confirmed fairly early in the game, followed by a long series of three-way adventures. As in: don't just end the game when they finally decide to all have sex together, but keep it going for a while.

I agree with others that it doesn't make a great deal of sense for the MC and Jenny to never have met, nor for Sarah to have somehow been absent in the immediate aftermath of her friend/spoiler's death, and there have been some good and simple solutions presented by others that would clear this up with a minimum of fuss.

I also agree that the MC and Jenny keeping their fooling around secret doesn't really make sense in the MC/Sarah relationship as you've presented it, unless you do indeed intend to introduce branching. But in the game as you've written it thus far, Sarah's not only throwing herself at Jenny, but also being very, very accepting of the MC and Jenny growing close, to the point that I suspected Sarah was encouraging MC/Jenny all along. (Which is great if that's the case, but then the secrecy makes even less sense.) I don't think the MC would agree to keep his fooling around with Jenny a secret unless he was somehow dissatisfied with Sarah, which he pretty clearly isn't (in the game as written thus far). In fact, now that Sarah's told him Jenny kissed her, it'd be the perfect time for that conversation.

("Sarah, I have a confession and I hope you won't be angry...she kissed me too. I've been struggling to figure out how to tell you, because I love you and I don't want to see anyone hurt. It seems she has feelings for both of us. What do you think we should do?" ) [open polyamory branch, if that's your goal]

...followed by options to pursue one or two secret relationships with Jenny, if indeed you intend to introduce branching. Frankly, though, I'd be perfectly fine with keeping it linear as long as it doesn't end the moment the three of them finally hook up. If it's a linear story, the reward's too easy to earn unless it pays off for an extended time. The MC and Sarah slowly introducing Jenny to sex in all its forms is a fun story, and very unlike most other offerings in this genre.

Anyway, congratulations on an interesting approach to a story we don't see enough of in erotic games. I look forward to the rest.

Dude, you nailed it! I think branching options would be awesome but at this point, the way the story is progressing it really doesn't make sense for MC to want to choose anything besides a 3-way open relationship. And absolutely keep going after the event! There are tons of directions this could go after they're all in a relationship.

 

[Neverluckystudios]

I don't know what your ultimate plan is — keeping it linear, or introducing branches — but if the latter, it'd be interesting to see a full range of options between the three: MC/Sarah (monogamous), MC/Jenny (secret), MC/Jenny (open), Sarah/Jenny (secret), Sarah/Jenny (open), MC/Sarah/Jenny (double secret), and of course the polyamorous threesome to which the game is obviously progressing.

What would be even more interesting (and this is true even if you never add branching) is to have the threesome confirmed fairly early in the game, followed by a long series of three-way adventures. As in: don't just end the game when they finally decide to all have sex together, but keep it going for a while.

I agree with others that it doesn't make a great deal of sense for the MC and Jenny to never have met, nor for Sarah to have somehow been absent in the immediate aftermath of her friend/spoiler's death, and there have been some good and simple solutions presented by others that would clear this up with a minimum of fuss.

I also agree that the MC and Jenny keeping their fooling around secret doesn't really make sense in the MC/Sarah relationship as you've presented it, unless you do indeed intend to introduce branching. But in the game as you've written it thus far, Sarah's not only throwing herself at Jenny, but also being very, very accepting of the MC and Jenny growing close, to the point that I suspected Sarah was encouraging MC/Jenny all along. (Which is great if that's the case, but then the secrecy makes even less sense.) I don't think the MC would agree to keep his fooling around with Jenny a secret unless he was somehow dissatisfied with Sarah, which he pretty clearly isn't (in the game as written thus far). In fact, now that Sarah's told him Jenny kissed her, it'd be the perfect time for that conversation.

("Sarah, I have a confession and I hope you won't be angry...she kissed me too. I've been struggling to figure out how to tell you, because I love you and I don't want to see anyone hurt. It seems she has feelings for both of us. What do you think we should do?" ) [open polyamory branch, if that's your goal]

...followed by options to pursue one or two secret relationships with Jenny, if indeed you intend to introduce branching. Frankly, though, I'd be perfectly fine with keeping it linear as long as it doesn't end the moment the three of them finally hook up. If it's a linear story, the reward's too easy to earn unless it pays off for an extended time. The MC and Sarah slowly introducing Jenny to sex in all its forms is a fun story, and very unlike most other offerings in this genre.

Anyway, congratulations on an interesting approach to a story we don't see enough of in erotic games. I look forward to the rest.

Thank you for your feedback.
I definetely see your point, that it would have made sense for the MC to tell Sarah about the kissing at that point.

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[bagodoughnuts]

You summed it up pretty well mate, I also found Sarah's and Jenny's relationship/behavior sketchy, what also stuck out to me just how fucking keen/railroaded the MC was to go through this idea of having a complete stranger live with him, so much so that he would stop having sex with his girlfriend to console this person(rofl), how he puts Jenny on a pedestal of this utter emotional importance, guy comes off as a reincarnation of Gandhi or Hannibal Lecter, I'm so surprised Jenny doesn't find him emotionally overbearing. This would be understandable if Sarah would be his absolute soulmate, the one who he is prepared to fade into space dust and drift through echos of eternity, he would look at Jenny as some sort of adoptive daughter of them both. But after few days of living together Jenny confesses her love and MC doesn't really mind fucking around, I guess he wasn't into that lawyer puss after all, man's a gambler, ready for the sharks to take half his shit, living on the edge. Jenny is pretty cute thought tbh

Wow! Deep thinking. I just want to see a three way.

 

[Hartigan]

Yes BMAC or Buy me a Coffee if he has it.

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[mooncan]

It has little choices you can make, almost a VN only but it's still great and i like the way the characters act and feel.
It's also going quicker than compared to other games in terms of relationship advancement but not too quick to make it ridiculous.

Did this game start out with 0.4?

 

[Hartigan]

any fan signatures available ?)

 

[Skylaroo]

I think many of the people's comments here are becoming a bit too specific for my liking. I understand the intention is well and of course feedback/suggestions are always welcome. But at the same time, I want to see what the creator has in his mind and see that in the game instead. This whole "the story should've gone this and that next" suggestions could potentially change the game for worse IMO.

Feedback about what already happened is great. This will allow creator to learn from it and make necessary adjustment in the future.

Specific suggestions about what should happen next is not as great. This could influence creator to change their initial idea into something else that can be better, but can also be worse, essentially making the game no longer as they imagine it to be like.

 

[Segnbora]

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Fair enough.

 

[Otyi]

Many thanks! Very good game.

 

[Walg]

any fan signatures available ?)

@Krull If you have some spare time, would you mind working your magic here please?

 

[Bubba56]

Very heartwarming story. Decent renders. Gonna wait for few updates before revisiting. Hopefully their sexual interactions are going to be very loving, tutoring type of deal where Jenny is treated like princess(Disney not GOT) every step of the way. Maybe end it with them forming an actual family with kids on the way.