Okay.
Cracks Knuckles
There's stuff I liked. And there are stuff I disliked. You're just getting started as a developer, so I think the best thing I can do is talk about it in detail. The goal is not to criticize. It's to point to where improvement is needed, for the sake of further action.
On the front of the visuals. They're fine for a first time. Honey select, I think? Most of the girls were visually distinct, so whatever. My main comment here is that this is a good situation to make yourself a Patreon and then devote the money to a rig that can handle higher quality renders. But, I'm not really art side, so not important.
That said, the UI was very "generic ren'py". There are some free UI designs online that I suggest you look into. But, a second use for Patreon money would probably be getting a graphic designer to work on the UI. If you need recomendations, you're free to DM me.
Game design-wise, there is nothing to talk about. It's a kinetic novel. No design or gameplay elements. No fail states. No player choices. This is fine for a first project, but you will find you will get more out of your work by experimenting with choice and mechanics. My advice is start small. The first rule of writing for multi-state is that it has a tendency to increase writing load exponentially. Try a few more choices, or one or two simple path choices for your next major project. You want to try slightly and slightly more daring things for each project, instead of going for broke.
So. Now let's move to the writing. We're going to start with narrative, then go down to prose.
1. I like that the game has a clear premise. There is an inciting incident that changes the status quo (her discovering her cuckquean kink). This creates an impediment for the story to move. Lots of Hentai games just start with "well you're living at home with your mom" and it just sucks.
2. I also like that there is a built-in conflict. Specifically, "can the various people realize their kink". That somewhat doubles as a theme, but it's a bit flimsy in the narrative.
3. I like that all the charachters have arcs. They all start somehow repressed and through the story grow and evolve. Charachter growth and arcs are a major element of the growth of charachters. Without it stories are boring.
4. I like that the conflict of the story is sexual. All these charachters have some kind of sexual internal conflict, so using sex as the resolution feels naturalistic, while still allowing you to include lots of fucking.
5. I like that the cast is reasonably distinct. They're a bit simplistic/one note, but they have clearly definable character traits, and that ties into their kink identity as well.
Now for what I dislike, narrative side.
1. The game has conflicts...but they're all flimsy as fuck. All of them are exposed to the idea of sex with the MC and then get over their hesitation. Then the next girl does it. Rinse and repeat. None of them *don't intially* want to and need to be persuaded. None of them refuses intially and then comes around later. Once exposed to their kinks, they all accept them 100%. The MC never fucks up making the situation worse. The MC over-steps a line somehow and the wife has to take a stand to make the relationship good for her again. SOMETHING.
2. Extension of the prior point. There should be EXTERNAL problems making this all more difficult. Not for the sake of realism or some bullshit. But, for the sake of a more exciting story. An administrator should be snooping around. Someone should see the exhibitionist girl naked creating a problem. One of the girls fathers should disaprove and she should have to fight with society to get her kinks.
3. This easiness ties into problems of theme. This game is about people overcoming social hurdles to self-express sexually. There should be social pushback. Examples of how the world around us force us to sexually conform, so that being kinky is an act of rebellion. What are the MC and these girls fighting AGAINST?
4. I gave credit for the charachter arcs, but they basically just stop. The wife basically settles into her role by the 1/3rd mark, and her arcs is mostly over at that point. In fact, it is the common feature of almost all of the girls that once the MC has fucked them, their arc has basically hit it's dead end and on to the next girl. Charachter arcs are defined by constant growth and change. This is especially true of charachters who remain throughout the game like the wife. You need to design post-corruption growth and development arcs for the charachters OR extend the corruption segments so they run over more scenes.
Now, on the actual event writing side, I'm less of a fan. I have four specifics criticisms.
1. The writing is just way too sloppy about introduing the girls. I laughed to myself when the game outright said THESE ARE THE ONLY FIVE GIRLS THAT MATTER. Also when she's thinking about the diffrent girls, she thinks of the pink girl, despite not knowing she's a prospect. My general advice is to just show the girls interacting with the protaganist, and that will tell the player that these are the one who matter.
2. You use first person present tense as a writing style. Conceptually fine, but when multiple charachters use first person present tense, it makes it disjointed to read.
3. I think you fail a lot at scene construction. Specifically, the key to designing scenes is the make them in the most exciting way possible that the audience feels is earned.
- Good example of a scene where this fails. The athletic girl has dominated the wife, and is going with her to walk in on the MC and Karen. But, when she arrives KAREN IS ALREADY TIED UP. Not only that, but you designed the scene so that she already knew Karen was tied up. So there's no information disparity and the conflict is resolved basically as soon as she arrives.
- Imagine instead if all the wife had told her was that Karen was already fucking her husband. But, it's not too late to win, because she knows where they will meet. But Karen wants to test Athletic Girl. So she comes wearing her uniform and the two meet in the darkened room. She pretends to want to dominate the wife and orders her to come to her side. But, Athletic Girl orders her not too. They have a test for dominance, and the wife decides to kneel to Athletic girl and announce she is superior. Athletic girl turns back to Karen and asks what Karen has to say about that. Rather then answering, she takes off her uniform and puts on a dog collar. And on her stomach she has the word "worthless slave" written. Lights come on, and the MC steps out of the shadows and tells Athletic Girl what happened.
- It works better because it acts to highlight the conflict. The charachters know less vital information, there's more uncertainty as to what will happen, and it makes the resolution into an explosive resolution of conflict. Boom. Scene writing.
4. As a general note, I think your dialogue needs work. There are a few basic problems with it.
- The charachters talk in hentai talk. A lot of it is unessacerily lewd to a failure of charachter. It's bad because it's not realistic and it doesn't capture how real people talk or sound. Always imagine a real person saying your lines. If you can't imagine it, figure out how an actual person would say it. The other problem is that it lacks contrast. Most people are only exceptionally lewd at very specific moments. This is a good thing, because it makes when they speak lewdly MORE IMPACTFUL via contrast. The more you use it, the less meaningful it is. This hits hardest with the wife charachter. She's supposed to be this surprisingly open and lewd person when talking about sex. But, everyone talks the exact same way, so it doesn't scan that way at all.
- The charachters need diffrent voices. Real people talk differently, and the charachters feel more alive when they speak in a unique way.
Some elements of unique dialogue are: Diction (how expansive their vocabulary is. Show education/social position), slang use (the more they use slang the hipper/younger they seem. Incorrect slang use is often a sign of lameness), brevity (shy or laconic people keep statements as short as possible. Exciteable, egotistical, or talkative people talk a lot), affectation (Do they talk cutesy or macho? Formally or informall), honesty (Do they lie or shadow their intentions a lot?), confidence (Do they use the words they mean, or do they sugar coat unpleasant or socially awkward ideas).
You should write charachters so if you look at any one piece of dialogue, you know at once who said it. A good excersize is to take a statement, and rewrite it so each diffrent charachter is the one who says it. The easier it is to recognize a sentence with the same informative content, but from a diffrent voice, the better your dialogue will be.
Okay, so overall. I had fun with it. But, if I had one recomendation, it would be this. Do not waste your time with a sequel. The game was ALREADY running out of steam by the midpoint, because the conflict was exhausted. A sequel would struggle with arcs for the charachters, and just add more girls in a vain repetative attempt to recapture the conflict.
I'm not saying I don't like you as a dev or don't want to see where you go from here. But, this was a learning project, and you should take the lessons and try to make something with a bit more heft. More of a conflict, more room for the story to go. I for one would be very disapointed to come back in a year and find that you're just repeating the same "some girl learns she's a cuck, goes to fuck him" routine over and over. Spread your wings. Think bigger.
Also, yeah I can be brutal. But, hope this helped.
